SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I know this probably has been spoken about loads before so just a bit of a rant. I had let go of loads of this anger but yesterday we were discussing his job and people at his other office. Anyway, he got talking about one staff member who got really drunk at the Christmas party and then because he had been talking about that staff member, I stupidly asked about the AP and if she was with the guy that she had been flirting with. He said she was and I know i should be happy about it (she has finally moved in, I don’t have to be lon alert) but I wasn’t. I was really mad as she is very young and pretty it just made me think that she doesn’t realise the damage that has been done. I was annoyed with my husband too and didn’t sleep. I have let go of some of the snidy comments I make but not all of them. Like when he brings up having another baby ‘ I am like don’t you realise that I am too hurt and don’t trust you to even consider this’.

I think he does get the damage he has done but is so full of shame. I have really withdrawn emotionally and he criticises me a lot for not showing him any love for etc and then I get annoyed and bring up the A. Iit is like this constant cycle we are in. I also feel like I have lost so much respect for him. I get his need for physical affection which just isn’t mine. Also I do 90% of the childcare so I am exhausted.

Your anger is understandable.

You have been heard.

Hugs to you.

How does he know that she's with the guy she was flirting with? That's the part you should NOT be happy about. He really shouldn't know anything about her private life.

What is he doing to rebuild trust? Has he read How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair by Linda MacDonald?

You shouldn't be mad at AP. She doesn't care what she inflicted on you. You should be mad at your WH because it's his lack of integrity and boundaries that let him have an A in the first place. It doesn't matter what she looks like. I mean, look at the stars that have been cheated on.

He won’t read anything infidelity related, he doesn’t like me on the site (doesn’t know I post here). He is angry at the way I reacted telling everyone so feels we are equally to blame, he will often say to me ‘we have done so much damage to the kids’. He did massively apologise today but then goes into ‘a poor me routine’. I am terrible. I am just losing all respect for him. Even his moaning about the Christmas party is so childish and you are right it was mean of him to tell me she was flirting with someone else

Have you ever seen the TikTok of that little girl named Paris who's trying to get her sister, London, to tell her the name of the girl who's bullying her? Paris is ready to handle business for London. That's how I feel about your H. Tell me his name.

he will often say to me ‘we have done so much damage to the kids’.

I hope you interrupt and correct him every single time: YOU have done so much damage to the kids.

And if he didn't want you to talk about it, he shouldn't have made it a part of YOUR story. Asshole.

Him wanting you to have another baby is a control thing. He wants it to be harder for you to leave him. Don't do it.

he will often say to me ‘we have done so much damage to the kids’.

Just because he try to serve you this shit sandwich you are under no obligation to eat it.

THE AFFAIR DID THE DAMAGE - NOT THE MESSENGER.

I'm with SacredSoul33

The more I hear the angrier I get for you.

Thank you for your replies and your sympathy. We have just had another argument where my husband told me, I need to get over this and understand that what he did every man would have done. That I don’t get the psychology of men and having a young pretty woman throwing themselves at him and it was good to feel needed. It is two years now and he feels so unloved etc. I got so mad and then he started the poor me routine again.

There are many men who remain faithful to their spouses. You don't have to understand the psychology of men but you can have a very good understanding of faithfulness and establishing boundaries so you don't have an A.

Count me in with the crowd that is mad on your behalf.

His whining and poor me crap? It's emotional manipulation.

Man here.

Had opportunities; never cheated.

The only man’s psychology your husband is familiar with is his own.

Men get together and brag; a lot of it is lies, however.

understand that what he did every man would have done.

Well hell I’d rather be alone than with a man who thinks this way.

Thank you that helps. He is right that I am acting bitter and can be mean but have found it very difficult to get over it as he has still been in contact with her over the two years. I guess contempt has slowly crept in. he justifies it to me tonight as ‘she is nice to me’ and I needed to text her as you are twisted mean and bitter and I had no one else that is nice to me. I am angry and annoyed with him but the truth is I am withdrawn and cold and do remind him about what has happened so I don’t know how much responsibility to take here for this.

This forum has been so helpful to me I cannot even say.

I can see why you would be angry, however, while I’m sure most of us hate the AP in our own story, I think your real anger should be directed at your WH. In reading some of your more recent posts it sounds like over these past 2 years, you have never *fully* gotten out of infidelity. The audacity of him to continue to stay in "secret" contact with the AP (ex. conversation that you caught via VAR), compiled with the excuses, rugsweeping and playing the victim card?! I am beyond hurt, angry and devastated for you.

Gently, you realize he's still in the A? You are not responsible for this. He's doing classic DARVO behavior. (Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender.)

Honey, why do you stay? Do you want your children to treat you the way he does? The children watch what's going on and model their relationships on what they see. My 30 year old son treats me a lot like the way his father did. My XWH is a diagnosed covert narc.

The problem isn't you, it is him.

I have a couple of recommendations for you. If it isn't too triggering, go to the wayward forum and read some of the posts by DaddyDom. Specifically, the ones about discovering your true why's and admitting it vs getting it.

You've mentioned being Co-dependency in other posts. I suggest watching some YouTube videos by Dr Ramani and others by Brene Brown.

I am so sorry to continue to read about your "still engaging in betrayal" spouse.

He doesn’t get it. Nor does he want to. Nor does he even try to.

However you should not continue to live with this anger and pain. It is unhealthy for you and keeps you stuck in a somewhat hopeless situation.

Your husband is behaving badly. Most of us here at SI agree on that point. But what can be done to help you heal?

At some point you have to accept your husband for who or what he is. He doesn’t appear to be willing to change. And I don’t think you want to live like this— having the same discussion for the next 10 years.

How can you move towards healing from this continued trauma? And do you want to stay married to him — knowing he will not get beyond his cave man mentality?

Been there. A couple of dozen times I had beautiful, reportedly very talented young women thrown at me while my W was pregnant. I wanted to enjoy them fully, but I just couldn't see how I could do that while staying married, so I just refused. No regrets, even in the depths just after d-day.

He's way off base. What's keeping you from throwing him out?

Another betrayed man here.

I need to get over this and understand that what he did every man would have done. That I don’t get the psychology of men and having a young pretty woman throwing themselves at him and it was good to feel needed.

He is flat wrong. He did what any pubescent teenager would have done…. Not a real man. He could have separated and divorced if he wanted to get involved with her. He could have told her to get lost. He could have found other ways to feel needed. He chose to cheat. Because he wanted to. It is just more evidence of his own internal justifications for why he has no integrity. My wife also played these games in her mind. I wasn’t meeting her needs and if I wasn’t and someone else was, any woman would do what she did right?… with 6 different guys… The thing is the common problem there was her. She was the one without the moral strength to do what was right. I agree with others. You don’t owe him anything especially not more grace and time to keep f-ing up your life.

my husband told me, I need to get over this

The best way to get over it is divorce.

He is asking you to accept it, not get over it.

[This message edited by HouseOfPlane at 4:51 PM, Saturday, December 21st]

Thank you all, I feel a lot better reading your comments. Today he has been really apologetic, once I really broke it down why I was annoyed but then something happens (his sister texts me as she was really harsh on him when it happened and told him not to speak to her again so he has cut her off) and he is back to being defensive and it is my fault that relationships are tense with his family.

I know I am a broken record, but I do feel I am not taking so much of his crap anymore. I also took some of your words and rephrased them to him today as if they were mine when I was breaking it down for him. He is just so caught up in his own self-pity and constantly moaning that I don’t show him enough affection which makes me dislike him. To be fair to him I am not, I am really withdrawing physically.If it wasn’t for the kids I would be gone.

When he says you are at fault, you can say, "I don’t recall the point at which I was given a vote. You chose." and walk away. Don’t engage after that.

When he is feeling bad about the fallout, you can say, "I see you’re feeling sad about the consequences of your choices. There are ways to make amends, starting with taking full responsibility." And walk away.

The fact that he refuses to read anything that would make him feel "responsible" tells you that he already knows this. He doesn’t want to own it. Too bad. It shouldn’t stop you from just simply stating this fact, refusing to engage further, and doing a solid 180° on it.

I am particularly angry at my husbands affair partner- she was my best friend for 10 years before the affair! Our daughters were best friends!!!

She always claimed to care so much about me. - ha ha ha