SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

First time posting here, so please kindly point out if anything I said violates any of the guidelines.

I’m the WW here and my BH has been on SI since the initial D-Day. Saying it is a lifesaver would be an understatement and I am so grateful that he found it and was able to gain knowledge and strength from everyone who posts. He recommends me to this site. I’ve been lurking for a while and now finally have the courage to post our story...

Timeline:
5/27/2025: I discovered my ex’s (i.e. the AP) profile on social. He was my first and only relationship before my BH. I became curious about how he has been since it’s been like 15+ years, so I friend’ed him and we started chatting. It all started with random conversations, life in general, work, kids, but soon I felt something more. I felt he was subtly signaling he was available (told me his life was complicated and he was seeking a D) and interested. Now I should have totally seen that as a stop sign but I didn’t. I felt quite self-lacking at that time, with so much pressure from life, work, childcare, so when I sensed that, I felt... flattered? and an ego boost. The universe opened an opportunity cuz now in a hindsight, even though me and my BH didn’t realize back then, my own marriage was likely going downhill since he started his own biz 3 years ago. He worked crazy hours (like 16-18 hr a day), with me taking care of everything - the household, our kid, while working a full-time job. And we barely talked anymore cuz we both could only keep our head above the water. I’m saying these not because I’m trying to make excuses, cuz I know nothing, absolutely nothing, justifies what I chose to do, but I just wanted to mention that I was at the weakest point subjecting me to make all the awfully wrong decisions later.

Early June: I took a business trip to the state where AP lived. My BH, without knowing anything yet, suggested me to not go because I was pregnant with our second baby, having the worst pregnancy symptoms, all-day fatigue, headache and spotting. He suggested me to take it easy and rest at home. But at that time I was so over my head that I insisted to fly (using work as excuse ofc). Then me and AP met, we talked and talked, and things quickly went physical. Two days later while I was still there, I had acute bleeding at work and the ER doctor told me it was a threatened miscarriage. Now you would think that as another warning sign sent from the universe. Yes, at that moment, while I was waiting alone in the ER room, I did desperately miss my BH. I texted him and told him how scared I was. But no, unfortunately it was not enough to wake me up from the A. I flew back home and the A just continued. The AP came to my town in mid-June and we met again.

Early July: I had two subsequent ER visits due to bleeding and the last time was hauled to ER by ambulance. I officially had a miscarriage and had the D&C surgery done on 7/1. The next day, AP flew over (it was a coincidence cuz he had booked his biz trip a while back). Instead of turning to my BH for grief, I turned to AP. And I didn’t even grieve the loss properly cuz I was in a different mind state when I was with him. It’s like getting dopamine shots. This intense yet short-lived pleasure at that time seemed to have healed all my pain, stress and grief. I began to struggle to understand what was real, and where I was heading.

7/4: BH found out where I actually was while I claimed I was taking a walk at the park. So there came D-Day 1. I was such a terrible person that I did everything that a WS could possibly do wrong. At first, I denied to the best of my ability, lying to and gaslighting my poor BH. Then came rounds of serial trickle truthing, trying everything I could to protect my selfish self. On that night, I eventually felt so humiliated and angry (despite it was my BH who was deeply humiliated and hurt), I stormed out and stayed at a hotel. I could not have imagined the excruciating pain my BH had experienced that night. Yet my amazing BH wrote a long and affectionate letter to me the next morning. He expressed his understanding, his own guilt for putting work over family and me, his determination to give us a second chance, and his faith in our ability to rebuild our M. Now I didn’t mention my BH isn’t good with words; He shows care and love through actions, but he is never good at passionately expressing his love which was something I nagged a lot in the past. But he wrote such a sensational love letter to me, despite the extreme pain he was suffering at the same time. I was moved, but still confused at that time. I still couldn’t figure out my feeling towards the AP and I told BH I was feeling very ambivalent. I recall suggested D to my poor BH and that had only hurt him even more. Now thinking back, I think the only reason I suggested D was because I was being extremely selfish. I didn’t want to own my part, I didn’t want to commit to the hard rebuilding work, and D looked like the easiest way out (for me).

Early August: My BH and I were in limbo. Even through my BH expressed his desire to try to reconcile, most of the time he was a walking dead (as he should be). I felt a myriad of emotions too - guilt, sorrow, confusion, doubt, self-hatred, to name a few. Both of us started working with our own IC. After hearing my story (which was likely biased cuz I had likely "re-written" my marriage story), my IC commented it as a "train wreck" and she assured me that everything would work out, even if we ended up with a D. And then I let my selfish part took over again. I stopped caring for my husband cuz it is hard work. When he reached out for comfort, I’d still sit by his side and stroke his back, but I felt almost nothing. Cuz anything would be too much for me. I forgot about his love letter all too soon, I forgot about the look in his tear-stained eyes. I was so selfish and self-centered that all I could think of was how could I get myself out of this emotional hell asap. Then I relapsed and broke NC. I started texting with AP again. But this time I felt different. The conversation started to get dull, the initial freshness and excitement had worn off, and we quickly ran out of topics. Over time, I also began to remember why I left him the first time. He was still the same person, full of bs, belittled his wife, bragging, selfish, little to none moral value - essentially everything the opposite of my BH.

Mid August to Early September: Despite I was beginning to recognize the true person that AP was, the affair continued. I was so pathetic and broken that I lost self love. We met in mid August and went to a hotel. I felt so awful, like a prostitute. But somehow I allowed it to happen. After that time, I actually told myself I gotta end this. This was not a relationship I ever wanted to be in. But I was so weak, I was such a people pleaser that I feared he would be sad if I told him that. I wished I had think more of my BH at that time, cuz he was suffering alone all that time. But I didn’t. I was self-consumed that all I could think about was my own struggle and my own pain. Or maybe I just needed the time. I was so messed up and self-hatred that we met again the week of 9/3. I let it happen again. But I was starting to gain the courage and after our last encounter on 9/5, I finally told AP that I was ending this and we would never see each other again.

9/12: AP’s BW tracked me down on social media and sent me messages. I apologized to her and promised we would never contact again. Then I told AP one last time that we would never contact each other again. The next day, I worked up the courage (or actually forced by AP’s BW) to tell my BH that I broke NC. That was probably like D-Day 4 given all the trickle truthing happened earlier. Unfortunately I was still so selfish that I left out important details like we saw each other twice after July and the affair was physical which I absolutely denied previously. Even though I made up my mind to end the illicit relationship, I was still being selfish and a coward. I thought I was snapped out of the fog, but in fact I was still in the fog by being selfish and not telling the full truth.

September onward: After that, I shifted my energy back to my family and BH. We started MC and were both learning how to deal with the mess caused by me. Things actually got worse for me cuz I no longer got my dopamine shots and the stress and problems were still there. I started to have more mental breakdowns, I was defensive in arguments which left both of us in a worse state, I became suicidal and called the hotline multiple times. Every time my miserable BH asked/begged me if there was more, I’d deny and promise him that’s the full story and that I’m determined to never look back. Well it’s truth mixed with lies, and that was killing me. Despite our effort in MC, I knew truth and trust was the #1 hurdle in front of us, and everything else we do was secondary and needs to be based on that. I just couldn’t get all the courage. I was still being selfish and arrogant by thinking not telling is protecting him. But deep down I knew it was also because I was scared to death. Raised from the eastern culture, we don’t talk about intimacy and sex and I never received proper sex education growing up. I knew it would devastate my BH. All that stress and pain came crushing on me, I started developing severe insomnia, waking up at 2am every night, impossible to fall back to sleep.

So I picked up books again, Dr Shirley Glass, Gottman, Linda Macdonald, etc. I have all of them on my night stand. I also re-started browsing SI again. Some of the articles here really woke me up. I learned that I have to consider my M dead, and that knowing the truth is my BH’s right, not mine. He deserves the truth. Period. After a few weeks’ struggle, I made up my mind to give him the full truth that he deserves, not holding anything back. The days leading to the final confession were torturing. I was anxious, fearful, having shortness of breath and feeling stiffness of my tongue. I finally couldn’t wait any longer and disclosed in our MC session on 12/26.

Where we are now...
It’s only been a couple days since D-Day 5 (or 6, I lost track due to all the horrible trickle truthing) but I will say, I’m freaking proud of my BH. He is definitely devastated and crushed. I broke his heart into pieces, and as if that wasn’t enough, I lit a fire and burned that to ashes. Yet he is still here. He told me how devastated and disappointed he is, and he is now seriously thinking about D (as he should be). Yet he didn’t kick me out of the house immediately, like how I’ve kicked him into the junk so many times. He’s actively working with his IC but there’s definitely a long way to go. As for me, i definitely felt a relief after the final disclosure, and that I can see light again. My stress and suicidal thoughts are almost all gone, and I’m not defensive anymore. I think I’ve finally learned to face myself and let go of the outcome. For the past couple of days, we talked 3 hours every day, and instead of trying to defend myself, I just acknowledged everything he said to me. I just wanted to be there, to feel his pain, to heal him (if I still could have the chance). I feel so grateful that I still got the chance to even be able to see him, to have a chance to talk with him, be with him. I committed to myself that I will start working with IC on my own problem. I know I’m really sick and I wanted to figure out what went wrong and more importantly, how do I fix it so I raise our kid properly. Not gonna lie I’m still scared of the future. I still feel a ton of guilt and regret. I wish it was all a nightmare but I knew it was my conscious decision and my behavior. I will continue reading on this site and get all the advice and support I need. To own my part. To correct my wrong. To be whole again...

BeWholeAgain,

I am honestly happy you have finally come 100% clean. It is a burden shed, and you have now shed light on the darkness. You seem like you have quite a bit of understanding on how decietful and dark your actions were.

Even though you came clean, I want to tell you that I suspect your husband will still be asking many, many more questions. His brain is trying to piece together his real history.

Yes, you have placed on him, one of the greatest traumas a human can face. This was not a trauma caused by an enemy, someone from without. This abuse and emotional, physical and spiritual betrayal was from the one person in the world he was supposed to be able to trust. The one who he assumed would hold his heart as precious and valuable. This is the person that knowingly placed a dagger in his heart and twisted it. I describe all this, not to punish you, but to let you know what he is experiencing cannot be described.

This has changed him and his life forever. Whether conscious or not, the disrespect his body is inherently perceiving is nothing short of making him feel like a discarded piece of dung. This is not true of course. He is of infinite value. And you also are of infinite value. You are both precious.

Now my suggestions for healing. You both need to find a therapist who specializes in Betrayal Trauma. A normal therapist is not suited for a case like this. There are truly special methods these betrayal trauma therapists use to help guide the couple though the grief process and they provide tools for healing. They will also help with important things like empathy, trust building, boundaries, and more.

If you have not found him yet, I really recommend getting on YouTube and looking up Jake Porter. His content is just amazing and easy to understand. Also, his "Couple Centered Recovery Model" I firmly believe is the ticket to recovery.

I want to say, details matter. Every single item of betrayal, of lies, of disrespect is something that is a debt...it is like something stolen....it is a separate wound. In your case they are many. This will be a long, long process. If your husband decides to stay, you are talking 2-5 years or possibly more.

YOU have to be active to save the marriage. For every single moment you disrespected and chose yourself or the AP, you have to now with tireless enthusiasm and virtue....chose your husband 100 fold.

Please keep in mind, your precious husband is at square #1. He cannot trust you. You have been lying to him for a long time. Blatantly. Disrespectfully. Right to his face....under scrutiny. It was lying on steroids....it was aggravated lying.

Now, the key. For me, I KNOW that only God could handle the needs of my marriage and the hearts of my wife and I. You see, what I have found is that Jesus can do something no one else can. He can and wants to forgive the transgressor and give them a completely new way of living. He can and does give them mercy and grace. And at the very same time, he can give the wounded one comfort, and healing, and actually believe it or not.... justice. You see, when Jesus died, he demonstrated that he hates sin. And on the cross, the old person we were in our sin....actually gets what they deserve....death. Yet miraculously...WE LIVE. That is the beauty of the gospel. Mercy and Justice both happen simultaneously. Christ can heal you both. He can give you deep empathy and a love and appreciation for you husband like you have never experienced. He can give you a burning hatred for what you did. He can give your husband strength to survive, and forgiveness and comfort to thrive. Jesus knows the pains of betrayal, He cares for your husband. And he cares for you.

Dear One, I pray for you and your husband to latch onto the only One who is truly equipped to handle the deep places of the heart and soul.

Yes, you need to use the resources and helps that He has designed around you. You have to do the work. But healing is possible, I promise you that.

Now so good moment by moment. Chose you husband. Chose him like never before. Over and over. You see, every single aspect of that wicked affair, every choice, every offence....was you NOT chosing him. He feels that.

Now chose him. Make amends.
❤️💯🙏💍

WoodThrush2,

Thank you thank you for patiently reading my story and posting your response. I truly appreciate everything you said and all your insightful advices. Yes, my BH is absolutely in hell. His brain is fried and he's on a horrible emotional roller coaster. I know for me, much of my pressure was lifted but for him, the journey has just started. Our MC is from a local betrayal trauma center and she has been of great help. I'm doing more research on IC. I will check out Jake Porter. Lastly, yes, now more than ever, I'm determined to choose him. I will do everything to my ability to be consistent, be loving and caring, and to choose him.

BeWholeAgain,
I applaud you for actually finding the strength to come clean, to take responsibility for your actions, and mostly for seeing and trying to understand the immense pain you’ve caused your husband. It’s the path I wish my now ex ww would have found. I’ve read before where betrayeds have said, try and imagine the most painful thing you’ve ever experienced and multiply it by 1000. That gets one to the starting gate of what the pain feels like when discovering infidelity. You are on the path that gives the best chance for reconciliation. I held onto hope for 4-1/2 years that my ex wife would find this path but she was never able to cross over to that way of thinking. Your being 100% honest with him creates the best foundation for a new relationship. Yes, to hear things are painful, but as a BS, we aren’t ignorant of the effort it takes to take that step. Moving forward, in my opinion, it’s very important to choose your words wisely, when interacting in discussions, think forward before putting thoughts to words to make sure you are saying what you actually mean or feel. I’m not saying say what you think will make your BS feel good, just try not to inadvertently use words that could make things worse. Your BS is in a very fragile state and will be so for a long time to come. He will forever carry doubt and suspicion in the back of his mind, so be mindful of that. If you truly appreciate this second chance, please pass this gratitude onto him, it will make a difference. I asked my WW once to try and imagine my world if the roles were reversed. Her response was "I can’t because I know you’d never do that to me". That was both a compliment and a heartbreak because it meant I’d never truly get the understanding from her that I’d need to fully reconcile. I guess in this post I’m just trying to say we are all human, we are t perfect. But when we make choices that cause pain, the effort it will take to correct the damage to the fullest will mean 100 fold the effort that it took to have the affair in the first place. Know that you have a ton of work ahead of you but you have taken some of the most difficult first steps. There’s massive value in being a better person. Good luck to you.

Copingmybest,

Thanks for sharing your story and advise. Yes I realize how fragile he is and how each and every word I say to him matters. Now that I'm in a better place to have honest talks, we've talked a lot and talked about how painful he was in early days post discovery when I was ambivalent, ignorant of his pain, and dismissive of his triggers. That makes my heart sink further, to think the pain and torture I've let him experienced. I'm now doing my best to be more considerate, be more kind, and ask him to let me know if I ever say something that would inadvertently make him feel worse. It's a long journey for sure but I think it's on me to do the heavy lift.

BWA~

As the overwhelming majority of BSs will say here, you need to take the lead in actively healing yourself. Books, podcasts, YouTube, IC, posting here, etc. and show him by your actions that you are serious.

Bring up the A for a check-in…. Unless he tells you not to. Check on his emotions and mental health …. Unless he tells you not to. What is his love language? Act on that.

Besides your ICs, have you confessed to any other family members? If he wants that-do it.

Is there anyone that knew of your A? If so, and they obviously did not tell your H, they are not friends of the marriage and need to be cut off.

Your BSs mental health has been tragically altered and you are responsible. No one else. Not even the AP. Take your actions seriously and make amends.

But you deserve to be held accountable. Don’t waste this opportunity.

Take care and I truly wish you both well.

[This message edited by AnnieOakley at 12:40 PM, Saturday, January 3rd]

That's pretty long and horrifying alright...

That said, it looks like you're getting your head right and genuinely trying to do what's right now, if possibly a bit too late. Maybe, maybe not. Your husband is for sure in a very traumatized state, as you appear to recognize. Keep doing what you're doing. If theres a chance to salvage this, a lot is going to depend on you doing and saying all of the right things.

I really like the advice AnnieOakley gave you. I'll add that you literally cannot apologize enough. Preferably with more than just a simple "I'm sorry." Even if he doesn't respond, he hears it, trust me. You need to recognize and acknowledge the pain and damage you've caused. Which you seem to be realizing. Everyone underestimates the trauma infidelity causes, but especially wayward spouses. It's hard to understand it until it's thrust upon you. Then when it is, it hits hard, very hard, and you have some of what I consider some very aggravating factors in your case.

Your husband sounds pretty resilient and committed, but everyone has their breaking point. Whether he's hit his remains to be seen. He's going to be hyper sensitive to anything resembling dishonesty or deceit. You need to be radically honest with him about everything, and I mean everything. No little white lies. Even the seemingly "harmless" stuff will cause more harm. Be tactful and considerate about it tho. I'm not suggesting you bludgeon him with the truth. There are ways to be honest with kindness and empathy.

I applaud you for coming clean and seeking help, and I hope it isn't too late. Wishing you and your husband the best.

No stop sign.

I read your tragic account and I affirm your decision to post here. Id advise reading extensively in the healing library and spend a lot of time reading the posts of veteran WS's in this forum. These folks have tread the path of personal restoration and reconciliation with their spouses. Their transparency and straight talk will prove vwry valuable to you Im sure.

I had a few points to make, and still will, but this comment stopped me in my tracks:

My stress and suicidal thoughts are almost all gone,

Listen, I have lost two friends to them ending their lives over infidelity. One was the traitor, one the betrayed. In fact, one of these losses actually caused me to search out sites like this years ago after it triggered memories of my own betrayal. Its why I found SI. Their losses were crushing to all involved and compounded the destruction wrought by infidelity immeasurably. I say all of that to say, put every available firewall between you and the possibility of acting on these thoughts. Stay in therapy, be honest about any suicidal thoughts, avail yourself of medications if recommended, reach out to family and friends, join a support group, do anything you can to arrest these thoughts and impulses (stay away from alcohol). No matter what has gone down, life is the most precious gift you've been given and it must be preserved and treasured.

That said, there are two things Id encourage you to explore.

Firstly, take a big step back and deal with a much broader and imminently important question which is, are you a monogomous person? At your core, is a committed monogomous relationship within the bonds of marriage your highest and greatest life goal? Put another way, when marriage is mentioned, does your heart leap, fall or stay neutral (meh)? I truly believe that there are WSs that have followed the path of marriage more because it was what was expected than their heart being in it. Yes, they mouthed the words of the marital vows but their true convictions lay elsewhere. You need to be brutally honest with yourself about what you truly want. Know what may be worse than infidelity as a BS? Being in a marriage with someone who is white-knuckling a committed monogomous relationship, i.e marriage. The quote in my signature line from another BH gets to the core of this question. If after therapy you decide that this marriage is not for you because marriage in general is not for you, please be honest with yourself and him and end it in a way that is favorable to him.

Now, IF you decide that marriage is what you want, whether to your BH or someone else (depending on what BH decides), you must pull out the stops to become a whole, fully developed and actualized adult woman. One that is capable of being a safe partner for him or for anyone really. Human behavior is notoriously hard to change and takes herculean effort to make happen. If you take the time to read the posts of veteran WSs here, youll see what I am talking about but these folks are also tremendous examples that it is possible to make the changes necessary to become that safe partner. Some now say that their reconciled marriages have never been better which is really great to read.

Like the other posters here, I affirm you coming 100% clean and sincerely hope you have truly "cleared the decks" of all betrayal facts. You have bludgeoned your faithful husband with your trickle truthing. No matter what he ultimately decides (I know what Id advise him), he deserves all of the truth.

I wish you strength to make the changes that must happen and the clarity to truly "know thyself"

P.S. Please consider stopping referring to him as "poor husband" and substitute "my faithful husband". He doesnt need your pity, he deserves your respect.

No stop sign.

BWA,

Thanks for posting your story in a candid manner.

As a fellow BS, my heart goes out to your BH.

<deleted insensitive question>

[This message edited by Ragn3rK1n at 8:43 PM, Tuesday, January 6th]

Forgive me for speaking on your behalf, BeWholeAgain, but I wanted to respond to Ragn3rK1n.

She said she was spotting before she went on the business trip with AP. It’s most likely the case that she was going to miscarry whether she went or not. Not every pregnancy is inherently viable, nor is every woman’s body in a position to carry a pregnancy at all times. There is no way of knowing for certain what exactly caused the miscarriage.

Miscarriage of a wanted pregnancy is traumatic enough without believing you caused it. Please do not ask questions that might lead someone to thinking that.

Gotthemorbs,

I’m going to delete my question, with sincere apologies to BWA

[This message edited by Ragn3rK1n at 8:44 PM, Tuesday, January 6th]

Miscarriage of a wanted pregnancy is traumatic enough without believing you caused it. Please do not ask questions that might lead someone to thinking that.

My wife has had a miscarriage - after we tried for months for a child.

She doesn't think of it to much now - but on an occasion a couple times a year, she does think about it and gets depressed.
Next day she will be back to normal - or so it appears to me.

Her miscarriage was 35 years ago.