SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I am a SAHM with two girls, ages 5 & 6. I have been married for almost 10 years, and while my husband has "dabbled" on dating sites over the years, he finally turned virtual into reality, by meeting with a woman and being intimate. And I hate him for it.

Yes, I probably should have left years ago, at the first sign. But I had a toddler and a newborn at the time, and with his major anger issues, I couldn't risk him having 1/2 custody of such young kids. So I mentally compartmentalized and raised our kids, cooked, cleaned, and helped him run his business - without pay.

I never rejected sex from him, except for when I could barely keep my eyes open. In fact, I rarely said "No" to him about anything. He was able to go wherever, whenever, while I kept the fort down. I stood by his side when he didn't have a penny to his name, and I even paid/helped him through the U.S. immigration process.

I even sacrificed my career and financial independence because he didn't want to be a stay-at-home-dad. Now, I cannot even leave or retain a lawyer, because I have absolutely no access to money. I have been looking for jobs that would work around their school schedule in the fall, but most jobs ask for references from prior employers, and I cannot even get that, because he forced me to quit my last job without notice.

I am just stuck in the home, caring for our kids alone. He goes to work and then spends all of his free time outside or on the phone with friends. He goes and spends money and shows his friends what a fabulous life he has, while I am at home cooking meals and trying to figure out how to make $30 last.

The kids can tell that something is up, and so they are acting up a lot. And because they don't feel emotionally safe with him, they save all of their tantrums for me. So that just adds another layer of stress.

I am just so angry at him. I feel like he used me and spit me out. And in the end, he just talks about how hurt HE is and how lonely HE is. I know that life isn't fair. I was never born with a gold spoon in my mouth. But to be betrayed by someone you vowed forever with - it just sucks.

you can get a lawyer - tell them about the money situation and they have ways to get paid from your marital share. You can also use household income to apply for a credit card solely in your name while you are married. Having no access to money like this is financial abuse. I'm sorry OP. You can look up The Hotline for support and guidance in making your plan to leave abuse.

catndog, that sounds like a terrible situation. Pain leads to anger, so it's understandable that you're angry about all of this.

Often we feel trapped when we can't see a way out of difficult circumstances, but usually there are ways that we don't realize. Many divorce lawyers offer free consultations. I urge you to call around until you find a few who do and then meet them. I think you'll discover that some of what your WS (Wayward Spouse) is doing is abusive, including keeping account information and money away from you. You might be entitled to a lot more than you think if you leave him.

If you're afraid for your safety, contact some local domestic shelters. Even if you don't need a place to stay, they can point you to local resources who can help you or advise you on the safest way to proceed.

As for his so-called hurt and loneliness, he's DARVO-ing you, which is another common abuse tactic. He's trying to turn himself into the victim so you feel guilty. It's a way of keeping you under control and a way for him to avoid taking responsibility for his actions.

I'm glad you have started looking for a job. It takes a lot of courage and strength to look for ways out, and you've taken a few steps. Don't give up!

[This message edited by NoThanksForTheMemories at 11:29 PM, Saturday, June 6th]

I'm so sorry you are in this mess.

Do you have family/friends who could help you get out of the house until you can find a suitable job?

Is your husband violent? If so, please contact a shelter, they will help you get out of this nightmare, you need to protect your children first and foremost.

Call a shelter. This is abuse and a domestic violence shelter can help you. They have resources. There’s a way to get out but you’re going to have to do a little work to find those resources. And I hope you do. you deserve better.

Thank you all for your replies. I am sure that all of us feel slighted in one way or another. I almost feel like I don't have a right to complain, because there are others that are in more difficult situations. But what bothers me the most is that I have absolutely no financial independence. I rely on him even for gas to take the kids to school. If he decided tomorrow to not give me $10 for gas or milk, I would truly be screwed.

My Mom taught me to be independent, so I had a degree and tons of work experience before he came along. But I fell for his lines and trusted that he had my best interests at heart. Big mistake.

I have spoken to a few DV shelters, but their list of requirements is pretty long. Basically, my situation isn't abusive enough.

Regarding DARVO, isn't it baffling? Mine keeps telling me how nobody is perfect and that, if God can forgive him, I definitely should. But at the same time, he is currently writing a woman on Bumble to meet up. How can you talk about forgiveness when you are still doing the thing that is causing me pain?

I am tired of being a victim at this point. I cried all of the tears that I could, and now I need to focus on being strong for myself and my girls. I have to figure out how to get out of this mess, and I know that finding a job is the first step. Hopefully I will find people that will understand my situation and can help me. The few that I've talked to about my situation (infidelity, etc) have minimized his actions. So it's a bit disheartening.

What were your experiences all like? If you had kids, how did it work out? I don't share any of the details with the kids (obviously), but it's really hard to hide my anger towards him. How do you foster the relationship between your kids and that parent, without bringing your emotions into it?

Call an attorney. Just because you stay at home and he goes to work doesn't mean you do not have a right to access marital assets. An attorney will help you get that squared away pretty quick and he or she will be paid from the marital assets regardless of whatever your husband says

The first step is the hardest but once you take it the next one's become much easier

That's not a marriage, that sounds like an adventured servitude

If you are in California 10 years can trigger permanent alimony.

catndog, your first step is not to find a job, it's to speak to a few divorce lawyers.

if God can forgive him, I definitely should

To err is human, to forgive divine - the intended meaning was that only God can absolve another person of their guilt. It's in our power as humans to let go of anger and recrimination, and we can give a sort of forgiveness that way, but that's for our internal state and our relationship with the other person. The guilty party needs to work on their own absolution, independent of whether we forgive them or not.

Also, as humans (and not gods), we have our limits.

How do you foster the relationship between your kids and that parent, without bringing your emotions into it?

You can't foster it. It's up to that parent to foster their relationship with their children. All you can do is allow space for it and not interfere. The anger part is hard. Your girls are still very young, so I suggest you vent with your friends over a glass of wine or at your therapist's office, and try to maintain calm in front of your children. Seeing your anger will hurt and confuse them, and they'll wonder if they've done something wrong. They'll probably wonder that anyway (at their age, everything is about them), so keep reinforcing that none of this is their fault.

If you think they'll struggle with shared custody, you can consider a nesting arrangement until they're older, or propose full custody for yourself with alternate weekends with their dad. A family or child therapist can also help them to manage their emotions. My personal feeling is that the well-being of the children should take top priority, but at the same time, ugly custody battles aren't good for anyone. This is definitely something to discuss with your lawyer.

and I even paid/helped him through the U.S. immigration process.

This jumped out at me. Does his visa status rely on him being married? Are there any laws / rules which can be used if he lied at the point of application? If he has no right to be in the USA you may hold more cards than you think.

See my tagline? I truly believe in it. I think that in nearly all events we choose to be miserable, and therefore we can also choose NOT TO BE miserable, and take steps that lead us towards that goal. Granted, it’s seldom from misery to bliss, but I am confident you can take a step forwards that get you to a place of slightly less misery, and from there to a better place, and from there to a better place.

I second the suggestion of a DV helpline, only your goal isn’t to get residence. I truly hope you haven’t reached THAT stage because in my experience (as a cop that witnessed a lot of the consequences of domestic abuse) you really need to display the physical scars to qualify… But these places often offer guidance and support for those that are in dire situations, and it does sound like your husband borders on abusive.

Even more – I suggest you really look into what divorce would really look like. Can do a lot online, or the DV helpline can answer some questions, or they can point out a legal resource that understands you might need to hide initial contact from the husband…
But… In nearly ALL US states it’s not his income or your income, but marital income. Same with all assets, same with responsibility. He can’t decide you be a SAHM, he can’t decide that you don’t have access to cash, he can’t decide 30 bucks is all you get. YOU TWO as a couple decide how you want to live. He doesn’t have to agree to it – but if push come to shove and you file, he will find out that this is the truth.

Same with custody. It’s not a given that it’s 50/50. Seeing as you two decided that you be a SAHM, seeing the age of the kids, then the odds are probably like 99% that you will get prime custody as the prime caretaker, that he will have to pay child-support, and that seeing as being the prime caretaker, a SAHM and possibly having the kids 80% of the time – spousal support.
This will be decided by a judge as part of a divorce process, and if he doesn’t pay then his wages garnished or him shipped off to jail. Or maybe his visa/residence reconsidered.

What experience tells us on this site is that in situations like you describe he’s as happy as a pig in mud. He won’t change. What needs to be done is that YOU make changes, and he then has to respond. He can fight back, or he can change so he becomes a better husband or father. But no change and you will be posting your ongoing misery on sites like this for years.