SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Suffering through betrayal has made these past 55 days an incredibly painful journey—ever since I discovered my husband's affair and realized he had been spending our money on her.

Initially, I found the determination to leave, start fresh, and travel with my son as a way to heal. When I was firm in my decision, I felt somewhat safe.

But now that he has asked me to come stay with him in his country, my determination is wavering. I’ve noticed that the moment I lose that firm resolve, the intense pain and memories come rushing right back.

Reconsidering and letting my heart soften only reopens my vulnerability.

I can't deny my feelings for him or the good times we shared, but reopening that door feels like reopening the wound. I never revealed to him that I missed or loved him after discovering the affair—would showing those feelings be a betrayal to myself?

I'm sharing this to seek perspective: Has anyone else experienced this cycle where doubting your decision brings the pain back full force? Is it truly possible to rebuild after this level of emotional and financial betrayal, or how could any couple possibly move past something like this as if it never happened?

Has anyone else experienced this cycle where doubting your decision brings the pain back full force?

Yes. Oh, God, Yes.

Is it truly possible to rebuild after this level of emotional and financial betrayal,

Yes. With lots of work both individually and as a couple. If that what you both want after you each heal.

or how could any couple possibly move past something like this as if it never happened?

NO. It did happen and has to be dealt with or it festers, infects and explodes. Rugsweeping (as it called around here) never works.

Take all the time you need to figure it out - BUT if you are being pressured to STFU about it and move on as if nothing happened - that is a HUGE RED FLAG.

I started to write, but I stopped because I believe Chaos said it better than I could.

I'll add that 55 days is not enough time to heal. It's not even enough time to get out of shock for many of us. My reco is to keep focusing on you, your healing, figuring out what you want. Right now you're doubting your initial decision. Maybe you'll end up want to split. Maybe you'll find you really want to rebuild, but your H isn't a good enough candidate for whom to risk R. Maybe you'll both be willing to do the work necessary for R.

There's no shame is taking some time to figure out the best option for you. That's better than grasping the quickest, IMO.

Yes, I will give myself more time. I won't pack up to stay with him right now. Instead, I'll focus on myself: meditation, working out, dancing, healthy food, early sleep, and patience.

In my opinion it would be a huge mistake this soon to do something as drastic as relocate to another country. On average it takes two to three years just to get over the shock and trauma of discovering infidelity and years beyond that slowly trying to rebuild trust.

If you move to another country will you be totally dependent upon him? If so that gives him way too much power and control over the relationship and you just discovered two months ago that he had an affair. It seems to me that he wants you to move so that he can exert control over the relationship

Give yourself time to process through this. It was several months before I felt like my feet were back on solid ground and I could make decisions that were not based on fear

Something else that concerns me, he move to another country and left his son behind. What type of father does this? Not only did he abandon his wife by having an affair but then he moves to another country, abandoning both his wife and his son

My advice is to stay where you are. If you are not in IC please find a therapist that specializes in trauma.

May I ask what country he moved to?

How has he changed that makes you even want to go live with him?

Don’t be his plan B. Don’t be his crutch. Don’t allow yourself to fall back into old patterns.

You should be seeing remorse and his commitment to making amends and helping you heal. And yes, he can do all of those things even if you don’t live together.

If he uses the fact you are living apart as an excuse now to do anything to help heal you & marriage, I dare say that’s a big sign he has no intention of doing anything more than the bare minimum. Just enough to get you to return to him.

Something else that concerns me, he move to another country and left his son behind. What type of father does this? Not only did he abandon his wife by having an affair but then he moves to another country, abandoning both his wife and his son

No, he is my second husband, and my son is from my ex-husband. He moved to another country because we agreed that once my son finished junior high school, we would relocate to Europe. He also bought a flight ticket that very day, after I discovered his affair, grew furious, and told my parents. Because my mom loves him like her own son—or perhaps because of that—he booked it immediately.

Actually, we started our relationship in Europe, and he moved to my country after we spent six happy months together every day. Over the past three and a half years, we were very close—spending almost 24 hours a day together since we run a digital business together.

When we first met, his business was doing better than mine, so he supported me financially in every way. Later, when we lived in my country, he closed his business to help mine grow. We even went to the divorce registry, where he signed everything over to me. Now, he has restarted his old business

[This message edited by Alicia2026 at 2:48 PM, Sunday, August 23rd]

How has he changed that makes you even want to go live with him?

I sometimes feel deeply hurt and even physically sick to my stomach. It feels as if he became a completely different person the moment I discovered the affair. Yet, I cannot say it was a mistake to be with him. When we first met, he spent his entire salary on me. He walked away from his own company to help me build my startup, which is now stable. He has always been wonderful to my parents. All my friends like him as well.

He took care of me constantly, giving me foot massages every night to help me sleep, kissing me affectionately, and showering me with praise.

Additionally, my ex-husband also cheated on me, and what he did was far worse. It makes me want to study relationships and marriage, because I don’t understand why men choose to betray their partners when everything seems peaceful on the surface. Maybe the problem lies with me—perhaps I don't give them enough attention, or my communication skills aren't good enough.

Most importantly, I still feel deeply addicted to being with him. I feel it is a relief to leave and move on. But I can still feel his care in some way.

Please do not blame yourself for the affair. Cheating is a choice that is made deliberately and there is no excuse or reason that can justify that choice or decision.

Secondly I understand that he was good to you in the past. So was my H. Except for his two affairs I have very little to complain about.

Before I agreed to R, I had one thing I needed. A post nup. I needed to financially protect myself.

It took me one year to fully commit to R. I needed to see that he was fully committed and would continue to make amends etc - not quit after a few months and go back to his old ways.

I too saw an ugly selfish rude disrespectful person that my H became during his affair. Fortunately I have not seen that behavior (it’s been 13 years). But I wasn’t willing to jump right back in to the marriage unless I had some kind of sign that he recognized how awful it really was.

Secondly I understand that he was good to you in the past. So was my H. Except for his two affairs I have very little to complain about.

I appreciate that he was kind to you in the past. While I also hope he returns to that better version of himself, I haven't said that I miss him or that I'm waiting for him to change. He needs to recognize his own behavior and choose to change on his own—that isn't something I can push or fix for him.

Before I agreed to R, I had one thing I needed. A post nup. I needed to financially protect myself.

I appreciate the reminder. In fact, his affair made it clear that I have to protect my future. I was originally planning to transfer a property into his name, but seeing how easily he wasted our money on another woman changed everything. I will be far more cautious moving forward—no one is going to take advantage of my financial security.
Right now, I am focusing on my peace of mind, taking care of my body through exercise and good nutrition, and taking control of my finances. Whether we ultimately survive this or not, this experience taught me a vital lesson: my self-worth comes first. No matter how deep a relationship is, I have to love and protect myself above all else.

I don’t understand why men choose to betray their partners

IMO, men and women cheat because they are selfish, self centered, they want what they want, and give little/zero thought to the potential pain/trauma their affairs will cause their partners.

I thought everything was great between my wife and I. We were deep into our retirement dream of building a house in Tennessee in about 5 years and growing old together. The morning of my D-Day I sent her a real estate listing for a piece of land that was for sale in Tennessee and she replied with I Love It! Hours later I discovered her affair and 27 years of trust evaporated.

How does a woman kiss me goodbye in the morning, say I love you, go to work, come home, hug me, kiss me, say I love you, and also be able to carry on an affair with a married coworker?

My wife's excuses were she was close to turning 50 years old, she was putting on weight, her hair was thinning out, the kids were pretty much independent and along comes a man who is 9 years younger, charming, flirtatious, dropping compliments, and my wife sucked it up.

I on the other hand was the steady dependable reliable trustworthy dutiful husband who busted his ass to provide for the family. The guy who sometimes spent 7 days a week working. The guy who would fix anything around the house and fix the cars, the guy who would leave a flower on her dash in the middle of the night so she would find it in the morning. The guy who did so many things for so many years to make her feel special.

And what did it make me in her eyes? Boring. Predictable. She saw no challenge in me but the bad boy from work, the married guy, now HE had an edge to him, he was "dangerous".

I did way too much for my wife for way too long thinking it would keep our relationship bulletproof, but it had the exact opposite effect. Eventually she got to the point where she figured she could do what she wanted and no matter what, I would still be there.

She was able to set aside her moral convictions and gamble a 27-year relationship over some compliments from a married man. My wife gave zero consideration to the fact that if the affair was discovered it could cause two families to break up and kids being forced to split their time between parents.

They cheat because it feels good, they crave the dopamine hits, they are selfish and self-centered

WB1340

You made some excellent points. All true about the dopamine hits etc.

I’ve been on the receiving end of married men putting out "feelers" to see if I was interested in cheating.

I viewed this as a call for sex. The married men didn’t love me or wasn’t all that interested in a relationship - they were only interested in sex.

To me, that is what affairs are - a glorified over/hyped opportunity for sex with someone new or different or whatever.

Alicia

The separate countries, and that he’s getting you to move to his country, bothers me…
Why? What is "better" in his country? Does he have a better job (as in significantly better)? Would you have a better job? Are the laws on marriage and divorce comparable? Would there be any risk for you going there? Do you have family or a support group there? Do you two have a history of living there? In which country did you marry, and if you divorce in which country would that be processed?

The best way to deal with someone is to learn from their past decisions. He was capable of DECIDING this marriage was over and leaving. No warning. Yes – it might be he has changed. But it might be he has realized that moving left him with less power…

If I was walking down the street with a friend and he all of a sudden punched me I would be surprised. If he apologized and gave me some excuse about a cramp or flashback or whatever I might continue walking beside him. If he punched me again… well… I would possibly walk along the street with him, but maybe have more space. Just to be safe.

It’s the same with your husband. He’s punched once, and now he wants to walk beside you. That’s OK… if you are prepared for that punch. Personally I would want to place more distance between you – even if you walk towards the same destination with him.

Your comment about moving things to his name… In most countries property and assets created in marriage are joint. Many countries even make properties joint property when you marry (unless you have a prenup).
In the STRONGEST possible way I suggest you learn what a divorce would look like. What are you risking, what are you gaining. What happens if you file in your country, what might happen in his country. What is your position if you file in country A, and in country B. Where are YOU better off? Where do YOU have more control.

MAYBE by filing you create a frame – a boundary – where assets are locked in. Not enabling him to meddle with them.
Divorce is a process. It’s not as if filing automatically ends the marriage. But if you file in your country you create that frame – that boundary that can protect you. If he’s honest in his wish to reconcile and does the work… you withdraw the petition.

They cheat because it feels good, they crave the dopamine hits, they are selfish and self-centered

This is so true. They get completely lost in that dopamine rush. When I checked her photos, it was clear she isn't anything special—completely average, even with filters, and just heavy makeup. But as I read their chats, I realized she was simply better at playing emotional games than I am. It was obvious my husband fell for it completely, flattering her and reporting his every move just to prove his "loyalty."
He admits he was stupid and that the affair was entirely his fault. But the truth is, no one knows if or when he’ll seek that dopamine hit again. When he was in the middle of that high, he completely lost his mind—and stripped away every bit of love he had for me.A very selfish and self entered version of him.

What is "better" in his country? Does he have a better job (as in significantly better)? Would you have a better job? Are the laws on marriage and divorce comparable? Would there be any risk for you going there? Do you have family or a support group there? Do you two have a history of living there? In which country did you marry, and if you divorce in which country would that be processed?

To answer your questions, nothing is actually better in his country. The main difference is that his job isn't flexible, whereas mine is completely portable as long as I have a computer.

Our marriage certificate has a Hague Apostille certification, so its authenticity is internationally recognized. I don't have family support over there, but we did live there in the past, and it's where our relationship first began, so living there wouldn't be an issue for me. As for a potential divorce, it can legally be processed either in his home country or in mine.

If I was walking down the street with a friend and he all of a sudden punched me I would be surprised. If he apologized and gave me some excuse about a cramp or flashback or whatever I might continue walking beside him. If he punched me again… well… I would possibly walk along the street with him, but maybe have more space. Just to be safe.

This is a brilliant metaphor—thank you for sharing. It gives me yet another clear way to explain to him why I need to wait before moving back.

I definitely feel safer keeping my distance right now. It isn't just about the fear of him cheating again—it's also because we had many fights since finding out. Who knows if I can keep my composure or stop myself from bringing up what he and that woman did the next time we have an argument?

Your comment about moving things to his name… In most countries property and assets created in marriage are joint. Many countries even make properties joint property when you marry (unless you have a prenup).

Yes, exactly. It was actually my separate premarital property. I originally planned to put his name on the deed after five years of marriage so it would be easier for him to qualify for a Five-Star Visa (Permanent Residency) in my country.