SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

5 months from filing to financial settlement is nothing! If you file today, you could have this over and done with before autumn.

And as Bigger said, once you have a settlement in place, she can’t just take you back to court without cause.

So get the ball rolling now, while she’s in the midst of the fog and in eager to start her life, and offer her a peaceful way out in exchange for a favorable agreement.

Throwaway – this post is just as much for other betrayed spouses that might find this thread as it is for you.

One thing I heavily dislike is when we BS fall into some "victim" mentality.
Yes – there is no denying that we are victims in the sense that our WS unexpected and uncalled actions created a crisis with serious consequences that we need to deal with. So I am NOT denying we ARE victims. It’s just that I don’t think we should strive to remain victims, or hang on to things that keep us as victims.

In your instance you have been firm on your stance to divorce.
I’m fine with that. I think there are only 2 ways out of infidelity and think both are fine: reconciling or divorcing. The advice offered this early after d-day is broadly the same irrespective of R or D, but there would also be major differences.
Like if you wanted to R you 100% need to know who the OM is. You can divorce without knowing his name. If you wanted to R we would be telling you to let HR know totally irrespective of the possible impact on her career. Since you are divorcing then this becomes less of an issue – or maybe a timing issue. It’s your benefit that she’s earning an income and gainfully employed. So your stance impacts the advice offered – and to-date it’s been advice aimed at facilitating divorce.

Now… Divorce…

Divorce is a mathematical enigma. Somehow owning half of a house worth 100k feels more or better than owning 50k outright. Somehow we feel bad about our spouse getting a share of our pension – even if that share was earned while the spouse was at home caring for our kids, enabling us to earn that pension…
We generally have two large groups of people moaning about how unfair the process is. A large group of former husbands moaning about how unfair it is for men, and an equally large group of women moaning about how unfair it is for women. To me – I deduct that since both groups seem equally large and equally vocal the process is probably fair.

I think that part of the issue is that we think divorce tries to see the causes for the failure of the marriage and then allocates the debts and assets accordingly. It doesn’t… In some states and countries marital behavior can have some slight semi-minimal impact, but these days an abusive spouse, a cheating spouse, an alcoholic spouse… all have the same comparable right as the other spouse. We also might have some Hollywood-fantasy version of divorce, where the cheating trophy-wife leaves the rich husband for the pool-boy, taking with her the house, the Bentley and the business. Only for the Matlock-type attorney to prove last-minute using DNA from a used Kleenex that the wife is actually her own sister or whatever.

Reality is that divorce is becoming more of an Excel-argument where debts and assets are lined up and then as fair a division as possible is sought. Basically the only ways your wife can take you to the cleaners are:
Whatever separation contract you sign is extremely one-sided. In other words – YOU are taking her to the cleaners and the final settlement tries to adjust that. In reality that’s not her taking you to the cleaners, but rather what the court would consider fair.
She willingly and freely (as confirmed by the court) agrees that you get the house and the cars and the pension and the…
YOU willingly and freely (as confirmed by the court) agrees that she gets the house and the cars and the pension and the…
You neglect to follow procedures and processes and don’t respond to the legal process. For example: if she legally/formally demands the house and you don’t respond legally/formally the court could consider it as your acceptance of the claim.

I once sat with an old attorney-friend I met with some other attorneys at a bar at a convention-destination. Me at an IT convention, they at a family-law convention. They told me that in nearly all instances they could foresee the final settlement in a divorce with quite some certainty once they had all the information (numbers). They said that most of the cost of divorce was in the time spent repeatedly requesting information that the other was legally required to give, but refused or delayed and in time spent arguing over minor issues. Like spending 2x2 legal hours arguing over a 100 buck bike doesn’t make sense.

All the above to give you this advice:
Put the process of divorce into the hands of a professional. Cut costs by asking what info you can provide and what is reasonable. Get legal advice on what steps you can take right now and/or the order in which you can take these steps.
Within what’s reasonable you can work some options. Like you could value your vehicle at the low-end and her at the high-end, or if you want the house at lower market-value. Just expect her attorney to be just as competent as yours.
An inevitable consequence of a divorce is that you don’t live in the same home. Your sense of right-and-wrong might be telling you she should move out but if that’s not possible then you move out (with attorney’s approval), or find a bed-sit, or have alternative weeks…
An inevitable consequence of divorce is a custody arrangement. Get one in place and follow it.

Remember that arguing with her now is about as sensible as arguing with a worker you have already fired. Since your goal is to divorce then find the quickest way to do that, and at the same time get out of infidelity.

Thanks all. We agreed a (favourable to me) financial settlement. She's still deciding whether to take my pension offer as she feels guilty but even if she does, I will be fine.

Whats fucking with me more is that last night was her turn to do bedtime for the kids (at the home) where I usually stay away as that may be confusing to kids. I happened to come home a bit earlier and snuck into the kitchen while she finished upstairs when I heard her on the phone. She talked to her AP. She was like a teenager in love. "Can't wait to see you again, just putting kid 2 down and then I can come meet you, I miss you" the whole spiel. In our house. During bedtime.

I confronted her after. She said it looks worse than it is. They're just talking. He still has a gf. She never meant it fall in love (yeah she used the L word). Lied straight to my face about not meeting him when she said 10 min prior that she wanted to see him that night. I'm so fucking furious.

Yes, this is why No Contact is so vital. All contact will do is cause you pain and deal with her lies. As best you can, keep the contact to a minimum for finance and custody issues. I know this is hard. But learn to gray rock when you do speak. Do not engage. Time will help. The goal is to reach indifference. You will get through this.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 5:29 PM, Tuesday, April 18th]

You need to call his girlfriend. She deserves to know.

Call his girlfriend asap. Sit back and watch the fur fly. Honestly it’s the moral and appropriate thing to do. Trust us. We’ve all been there and attest to the idea of taking control starting with exposure.
Good luck.

The good thing about this experience, OP, is that it simply confirms what you already knew, which is that your wife is a liar and a cheater and you are making the right choice by getting rid of her.

But as tempting as it might be to confront her and unload your anger on her, get your divorce over the finish line FIRST. Don't give her any excuse to feel less guilty about what she's doing or do anything that could provoke her to pursue a settlement that is less favorable to you.

If it gives you any measure of comfort, please keep this in mind: even before your wife started cheating, you had a very one-sided, unfulfilling relationship. By getting divorced, you're actually reducing the number of "children" in your life from 2 kids + immature, irresponsible wife to just the 2 kids... and those kids are your blood and will eventually grow up. Your wife will not.

Your life is about to get much easier. Be grateful to the piece-of-shit OM for taking this dead weight off your hands.

[This message edited by BluerThanBlue at 5:43 PM, Tuesday, April 18th]

You need to call his girlfriend. She deserves to know.

Call his girlfriend asap. Sit back and watch the fur fly. Honestly it’s the moral and appropriate thing to do.

Do this after the divorce is finalized, not before.

[This message edited by BluerThanBlue at 5:44 PM, Tuesday, April 18th]

Agree GF deserves to know. I wouldn't blow it up until after the D is final if the fog is leading to her giving you favorable terms.

Is it kind of horrible and selfish for you to leave that poor woman in a situation where she is being denied her agency for another 5 months? Yes. But your M is dead, R isn't possible, and the first thing you need to take care of is your financial future. I'd tell her as soon as the D is final.

Have her sign the agreements including your pension deal then call the girlfriend. No contact and a hard 180 after exposure. All contact should go through your lawyer.

I agree with telling the gf after divorce is final (or at least financial settlement) but I have no way of reaching her. He's so old he's not on FB or any social media...

And agree that it at least gives me certainty and confirms (again) that she's a cheating liar. Just fucking hurts is all. Will do NC as much as possible bearing in mind we have children...

Thrown,

You wrote.....

He's so old he's not on FB or any social media...

I can pretty well predict this is not going to end well for your WW.

Just look at your watch and wait and I suspect she will come back to you with her hat in her hand.

Her dreamboat has been divorced, has a girlfriend and now is cheating on his girlfriend with a new one.

In the not too distant future OM will be cheating on your WW.

And he is much older than her too.

Also suspect that he is lying about his financial situation in life to your WW.

Your WW has no idea of the prison she is entering by her own choices, wish her good luck.

[This message edited by survrus at 6:06 PM, Wednesday, April 19th]

I had a colleague who caught his wife in bed with another man. At the time they had a 4-year old daughter. It was an instant divorce – not will on either part to reconcile. He told me that his mission in life after that was to live without ever having to interact with his ex again. Ever. Over anything.
He would pick up his daughter from daycare on his days, and return her to daycare at the end of his days. When she started school it was separate parent-teacher meetings and so on and so on. Any interaction about the child via an intermediary.
We worked together for a couple of years and then went our separate ways.

I ran into him about a year ago and we took time to have a coffee and catch up. He told me that he managed for eight years to completely stay away from his ex. After that he realized that she – the ex – simply didn’t matter. That didn’t make him invite her over for coffee or want to hang out, but it meant that he could go to his child’s violin recitals (with his new GF) and sit in the same area as his ex and her husband the OM and focus on his child rather than the ex wayward wife.

I guess there are two things to learn from the above.
It’s normal and even natural to fee this anger and to want to distance yourself from the cause of anger – your soon-to-be-ex-wife. I fully get that and even support that. Distance and NC makes healing faster and easier.
But like my friend eventually realized: His happiness is in no way connected to his ex wifes happiness or unhappiness. Once he managed to feel indifferent about her his healing reached a new level.

I’m guessing you have some years to get to that stage. But just keep in mind that although your rage towards her is normal and can serve a purpose it’s not necessarily constructive long-term or even necessary. Focus on you and your recovery – if she’s as happy as a cockroach in a bakery or as miserable as a mouse in a trap… it’s not your concern.

There is also the third bonus-lesson: You can - at least for the intial period - limit your interactions wiht her.

Her behavior, her decisions, and her happiness are all HER responsibility and her responsibility alone.

You had absolutely nothing to do with ANY of this.

Your marriage had absolutely nothing do with ANY of this.

Your children had nothing to do with any of this.

Your family had nothing to do with this.

Her depression had nothing to do with any of this.

There is no issue, problem, or thing in any marriage/relationship that renders an adult married mother incapable from knowing fundamental right and wrong.

Every reason for her doing this resides within her and those reasons were there long, long before you ever met her.

Realize that you were married to an infidelity time-bomb.

She was going to do this no matter who she was married to.

I know how devastating it is right now but you must realize that you WILL be better off after extracting yourself from her obviously fucked-up world and mind-set.

You will be better off NOT being married to a depressed, lying, deceitful, adulterous back-stabber who didn't give a shit about how her self-aware despicable and destructive behavior hurts the people she vowed to care for the most - especially, and worst of all how she has destroyed her children's foundation and is putting them through a trauma no child should ever be put through.

All for some dopamine hits she's getting via her boss feeding her empty praise and compliments in exchange for sex.

You WILL be better off without her boatload of issues - and so will your children as when they are with you they will be with the parent who harbors no lies or secrets and always kept their word to them.

They will feel safe in that world YOU provide for them.

Handle this divorce with a very cold and steely business-like manor towards her.

No emotion (as much as there is behind it all) and no drama - just business.

And then move on to a better world with better people.

Sorry to read about your situation 'throwaway'. It's important to keep your head down during the divorce process and not fly off the handle about what's going on. I know it's hard but it's to easy to get raked over the coals in the divorce and lose everything. There's plenty of time to express your anger later. For now you should hope that your betrayer stays in the affair fog until after the divorce is finalized. Remember to take care of yourself, workout, eat healthy, focus on your kids and career, and maybe take up a couple hobbies too to keep your mind off of the drama. I'm hoping for the best for you and your kids.

Well just disengage from her. Strong hard 180. Go by your legal representative advice and keep your cards close to your chest.
Once you are ready and your legal ducks are in a row. Then release the karma train down her single one way track.
Until then take it one day at a time.

Thank you all for your great feedback and comments. I don't seem to be able to respond to posts individually so will try to answer all in this post.

First I'm not doing the pick-me-dance. I've read [no soliciting] and am very confident that I've no reason to feel guilty for her affair. I've been a great husband and continuously tried to help her for years as she struggled with her own depression of 'having to spend time' with our children, which was never an issue for me incidentally )and things are much less stressful in the house now that she left).

We have preliminarily agreed a financial settlement which (based on 50/50 standard in my country) is actually beneficial to me. I not only want to use the affair fog but reality is that my family has helped us a lot financially and she'll be able to cash-in on that which she feels guilty for. So all in I think we have a decent settlement for all sides if she doesn't change her mind e.g. because AP or another bf tries to make her get more.

I am trying to take care of myself and the kids but it's hard (esp for myself as I have a lot of episodes / flashbacks). Overall I think I'm doing okay though, thanks to forums like this. I'm struggling to eat which actually is helpful as I could lose some pounds. I did pick up smoking again though which is stupid and I need to fix.

I have a therapist but fired him yesterday as I felt he was too strong on the 'reconciliation train' when neither of us can even picture that. In fact she's STILL together with the AP so why tf would I even entertain that idea (not that I ever could with today's knowledge).

She's moving out properly on Friday (she's been staying 'at a friends' for a few weeks now) which I think will do me good. Have removed all pictures from the house and ordered a deep-cleaning for the day after. Somehow that helps me.

Overall I'm still gutted of course. My life was perfect (I thought) not even a month ago and it all went downhill so fast. I don't think she's remorseful. I think she's thinking this is her true love (she told me as much "never had feelings like this" - thanks, ouch). I'm very sad about her destroying our kids' foundation (and yes I know they're resilient but it'll impact them nonetheless). I'm sad that apparently I don't know this person I was married to / in a relationship with for so long. I feel like I'm just deadweight and she's now out there living her life to the fullest (in her mind).

I had an initial dip into Tinder etc but very bad luck as bad pictures / slightly overweight so it motivates me to keep on training and getting back into shape.

Thanks again for all your inputs!

[This message edited by SI Staff at 9:20 PM, Wednesday, April 26th]

Throwaway-

Don't despair. Take some time to heal. Your WW is doing you a favor in the long run. It might not feel like it right now, but she's not worth what you think she is. Shes a lousy cheat, unfaithful backstabber. You vision of the perfect family had a traitor hiding on the inside. You just didn't know it at the time.

Now you will get to rebuild your family unit, knowing that you've cut the one deadweight out of your life. Yes, it does suck for the kids, but they will adjust b/c they have to. Your time with your kids will be more focus, and you have a lot more to offer them then your WW.

It will take time, but you will get to where Bigger is talking about. Indifference, its a beautiful thing. Work through your issues with an IC, workout, go out, meet new people and start moving on from your WW. She gave you a gift, and as much as that gift sucks right now, you have to look at the long game. The long game with your kids, and the long game with your own life. Better now, than maybe in 10-15 yrs when you would have been even more screwed.

She doesn't know it yet, but she thinks she's walking off into the sunset into a better situation, but it won't last. It might not be next month, or even next year, but its not the fairytale she's selling herself. If your marriage up until you caught her cheating is everything you say it was, except her faulty fantasy about not being as much in love, or not feeling the same amount of love (neediness really), than she will look back in time to realize that she majorly fucked up. She will, and by then, it will be too late. YOu would have moved on to a better life without her. She is making a big mistake, but its in your favor. She was always the unknown, but now you know, and you cannot unsee the shitty filth that she truly is.

OP, I’m very sorry you find yourself here, but you are in good company, some fantastic folks here to provide support.

I won’t rehash points others have made, but finding out who the OM’s GF is and letting her know what’s going on should be a priority. I wish someone had informed me that my WW was cheating on me. I’d bring this up with your lawyer and see what they say. It might be beneficial to wait until the D is final to get the best settlement for you.

Really good to read your last post. You shouldn’t take any blame for your WW’s terrible behaviour.

One thing that I’ve read over and over again on this and other forums is this "I need space to find myself". WTF does this even mean and why do so many wayward use this excuse?! Drives me crazy.

Anyway, focus on you and your kids. Do a 180 with her (should be easier when she is out of the house). I would hold off on any kind of dating. I was a mess for 6-12 months after dday and wouldn’t have been in a good enough place to date anyone (we are in R so it wasn’t an option anyway).

It is stunning to me how people will throw away their relationship for some AP. Relationships born out of adultery have a very, very high failure rate (>90%).

Stay strong brother, you will get through this and I absolutely know how crushing this is for you, but it will get better, I promise!

Thanks again for your posts. She moved out last Friday and was very cheerful / business-as-usual during it (even when I gave her some of the more emotional bits from our marriage which I didn't want to keep e.g. the wedding picture book or our 5th anniversary present. At the end, she got a bit sad and said "Shall we hug?" which of course I denied (like that helps me still after all that she's done). I know from mutual friends that she seems super happy in her new flat (it was her bday last week so there were there). It's also funny because her father was there that weekend and told my friend he was the same age as her when he divorced her mother so maybe it's hereditary somehow...

Anyway I'm continuing to go to the gym and (trying to) take care of myself. Kids are back today after a stint with their mom and that really helps me. Missed them so damn much.

Got an interesting response on Reddit which I wanted to share for anyone who needs to hear it and reflects what you said also. She's gained a (repeat) cheater who had no issues sleeping with a subordinate who was married so she'll now know that he could do this again, regardless of whether the woman is married or not. Equally he knows that she threw away a perfectly happy marriage and cheated on her husband so may not trust her either. A match made in heaven!

I'm still down most of the time but the NC since she left really helps. I'm also fortunate as I have a nanny that picks up the kids after school and then either brings them to me or her place so we really have very limited contact.

Anyway, thanks again for your inputs. This forum is so freaking helpful for my healing process. Oh, and I got a great new therapist! First meeting on Friday but I already liked her from our initial assessment.