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My wife did something along those lines. She called me to come to her shop because this guy was giving her the creeps. I came over talked to him and really found him as no threat at all. She would end up sleeping with him. You need to show her consequences. Being nice isn't going to cut it. I started packing her shit up. I explained she had to leave. Without real consequences she has no reason to leave fantasy land. She is just adapting to the little boundaries your putting in place and your playing the pick me dance. She gets kicked out, has to explain it to her kids and her friends and her family and yours. She runs to AP and his wife and kids do the same to him and fantasy island becomes a living hell for her. She either comes crawling back or they live together just long enough you find a suitable replacement and she gets to wonder what if the rest of her life. Either way your in the drivers seat instead of being a passenger.

I think in life we make choices or decisions that are not always what they seem. By that I mean for some people they choose to remain with a lying cheating alcoholic spouse (random example here). Maybe it’s for financial purposes or fear of being alone, but they choose a situation many others would not accept or tolerate.

It is possible that people accept their spouse or partner for who and what they are. They don’t expect changes or monogamy or honesty. They know what they are living with and accept it.

Nothing is perfect and we all accept the good with the bad. And if it gets to be too much, we re-evaluate and change the decision, or not.

I think in this case the fact that something very different is on the table bodes well for the possibility of change and getting the relationship desired.

As I’ve stated in many posts, from an SI perspective I would have been very foolish to give my CH a third chance. But I did and it worked out perfectly for us. I changed. He changed willingly on his own.

Miracles do happen and I consider my successful reconciliation a miracle

Maybe OP’s will work out to his benefit too.

Thank you, @The1stWife. I do appreciate everyone's responses, even those that aren't encouraging of reconciliation. One thing I know for certain, everyone who is posting understands the trauma of this situation and is part of a club that no one who is not can fully understand.

Whether you understand it or not, your biggest problem is that once you found out and she saw the devastation it caused you, she still decided to continue with it. That is your biggest obstacle you have, and one that some of the most R positive people would see as relationship killing.

Change can happen — it did in my M.

I understand why people choose to walk away, I absolutely have that option until the end of days.

But, I am glad I stayed.

Two people being all in to rebuild something worthy of them both, is rare, and yet, worth all the work we did.

It takes a lot of consistent actions by the WS to show real change, a LOT.

It took me a couple years to believe my wife’s actions, and yet, she kept after it, knowing her changes may or may not be enough.

C81

Triggers? Absolutely. 9 months later, I am lower than I probably was any point during our past periods of fictional "recovery." I don't see this as bad. The shock is gone. The adrenaline has worn off. I theorize that this deep sadness is normal. I understand trauma so much more now. No hour passes without the affair being on my mind. It's like background music in my mind. I don't know if that will ever change.

Question about your triggers…would you say they rise to the level of PTSD? You reference the bomb going off in your mind when you saw those text… Is that a specific thing you can think about and just feel the trauma?

Or is it more just like a deep sadness for the whole episode?

I ask because there are techniques to change your emotional relationship with those memories. There are specific ones that work in dealing with specific trauma incidents, of which finding those texts may well be such a moment. There are also ones for dealing with the emotions attached to the general memory.

Time itself won’t necessarily heal that connection between the negative emotions and the memories, in fact it may well just cement it. Better to actively address it.

Take a look at my profile for some suggested reading that points to exercises you can do yourself.

Question about your triggers…would you say they rise to the level of PTSD? You reference the bomb going off in your mind when you saw those text… Is that a specific thing you can think about and just feel the trauma?

Or is it more just like a deep sadness for the whole episode?

I definitely feel like all of this has left me with something like PTSD. My wife is doing some EMDR in her own IC. I may consider it. But so far I've tried to get through those trauma reactions to things on my own.

I do think the deep sadness state that I am in now, and the reevaluating my whole marriage and who my wife is on the inside is harder than those first months of adrenaline and shock.

Carpenter81,

Thanks for sharing your story. You have my sympathies as a fellow BH.

I haven't posted here in a long while but your story struck a chord with me. Some aspects of your WW and AP's behaviors seem eerily similar to that of a former coworker of my wife and her relentless, narcissistic AP.

I can't top the sage advice you are getting from other SIers here but I do have a couple of thoughts. This might come across as harsh but this is coming from a genuine desire to help a fellow BS.

First, clandestine long-term affairs seldom go away without some kind of exposure. Many times BSes are so keen to protect their family's good name and/or shielding their kids from the bad news that their parent did some terrible things that they keep the A hush hush. It may well be that in your WW's case, awareness of the A among family and friends/associates common to your and AP's families might be a necessary safeguard against backsliding. Think of this as something one would do for a loved one who is a recovering alcoholic or a substance abuser. The burden of vigilance need not entirely be on you. Would this guarantee no relapse? Obviously not, but this might deter a marginal bad decision or cause a small pause at a moment of weakness.

Second, has your WW been assessed for personality disorders? There seems to be an eerie, repetitive pattern in the types of behavior she exhibits (per your post). Your WW seems fully cognizant of the catastrophic risk to her marriage, her career and potentially her standing with her children and yet she wouldn't end the A. That part seems not unlike the behavior of an addict. Your WW was/is getting something from the A or the OM that she finds hard to resist. What is it and why? Your chances of a successful R will be dramatically higher if you both understand the "why" and take mitigating actions.

I am praying for you and your family as you navigate through this mess.