SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I saw this after my humorous comment.

God has a plan then maybe his plan was for us to divorce so SHE could learn how to be a better person.

That touched a nerve.

I get the sour mood. You should be cautious with her if this is her thinking. I lost the first woman I ever loved due to religion, we were from different faiths and upon agreeing to be together had agreed to never try to force the other to follow the others religion. Till 2 years later she gave me an ultimatum, and only a few short weeks (less than two months) to comply. Yeah, I could have done that to her, but the point is that I didn't.

That fact doesn't make me a saint, it just means that I kept my word, no heroic reward indicated for doing the bare minimum I promised.

Sure, I'm biased, perhaps jaded, but my view has always been that Whoever doesn't need you to selfishly dick other people over to learn how to be a better person. If that is how you "learn", you are emotionally dangerous to those around you.

God doesn't need you to kill someone while playing with firearms, to teach you to not play with firearms.

So, if she lives her life still, in a manner in which she has to make a bunch of bad decisions to learn to not to make those bad decisions, you should be very cautious. Some people never change.

NARU,

It looks like you have taken the first steps in a looong and uncertain journey.

What you make of the journey is up to you. You can plan it to the n'th degree (analysis paralysis), or you can plan what you can, and enjoy the journey.

Keep an open mind, but of course, protect yourself where you need to.

Am not recommending that you MUST R with her, just go with the flow like floating on an inner tube along a river. Wear a lifejacket, so it you feel you need to bail along the way, you can.

So, if she lives her life still, in a manner in which she has to make a bunch of bad decisions to learn to not to make those bad decisions, you should be very cautious. Some people never change.

I didn't see her trying to justify her bad behavior. I thought she was trying to offer compassion to NARU given the implication from the pastor that God would be disappointed in him for divorcing her. The sermon held up Joseph and Hosea as role models because they offered forgiveness rather than judgement. NARU (understandably, IMO) felt frustrated and resentful at the idea that BS have a divine obligation to forgo healthy boundaries. His fWW suggested that maybe there was another way to read God's intentions, one that aligned with the choice NARU made, even though that choice meant more pain and work for her. A remorseless WS would have leveraged the sermon to advocate for rugsweeping.

If you knew my FWS you would understand the flirtyness. Its how we have always been. Regarding the sermon. I know this isnt a religious site and to keep it simple. It focused on Gods love to an unfaithful people. The examples of Joseph and Hosea was that Joseph had every reason to suspect Mary of being unfaithful and chose to trust her that God was the Father of her baby. In Hoseas example he had an unfaitful wife much like God had an unfaithful people in the Israelites, and yet God never abandoned them.

Thank you BSR. I do think she was trying to comfort me. I think when you look at the Bible, there are a ton of trials that the people face. None of them feel deserved. Did Jesus deserve to suffer for us? Did John deserve to be beheaded? WE all face some form of pain that is caused by the people we love and think love us.

I am planning to spend this evening at a Hockey game my son is playing at with my FWS. We will see how this goes. hopefully I dont have to coach tonight and can sit next to the FWS.

There is a reason you divorced.

I think you should recognize there are many obstacles to a future with the Ex. If you are concerned about her dating life while you were not married then I venture to say you should not become a couple or even date.

I think you answered your own question here.

Again, I am rooting for you both but. It seems like you are both trying to pick up where you left off pre affair. Rather, I think you should take a step back and start from a place of getting to know her. As if she was a new date. I know that is not completely realistic but I’m speaking directionally here. More like that than where you are currently. If her change is real it will take months to see it not days or weeks. Conversely, it will take at least that long to see she has not changed. I want to believe she is a safe partner for you but I am urging caution at this point.

1st wife,
I recognize that there are obstacles. I agree that me not being able to handle her being intimate with other people after our divorce is an issue. Thankfully nothing happened, at least that is what I am choosing to trust her word on. I know its likely a challenging road that I am walking. I am not discounting what you are saying. Right now my FWS is being very considerate. I know she is likely walking on eggshells. We will se how things progress.

Denny,
I know it seems like we are picking up where we left off and in a way I guess we are. We have been in contact pretty regularly since the divorce. We also had been married for over 20 years. Its hard to not still feel comfortable around her although there are times where I am nervous about how fast things seem to be going back to where they were when we were married. I know that I could ask for sex and get it in a heartbeat. We havent been intimate yet. I think I am partly afraid of thing getting there and either not being able to perform or that it would make things more painful if things didnt work out.
I am working on being cautious. I appreciate the concern though.