SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I didn't have your fear about sex because we restarted sex on d-day and I had made my peace with Cialis. As it happened Cialis was not necessary for 10 more years.

I have some familiarity with Japanese culture, so I'm familiar with the concept that a broken bowl that's put back together can be beautiful - different from the original but beautiful in its own way.

Other than that, Your other fears all seem normal to me, because I had them, too. One number that helped me a lot was from Shirley Glass - it was something like, 'Only 20% of the couples who said they wanted to R ended up separating.' That meant to me that 80% stayed together, happy or resigned enough not to D. I wanted more than staying together, but Glass's words and the words of R'ed SIers kept me aware that I could build a new good life and, with effort and good luck, it could be a very good life.

Some of us R, and some of us D, split emotionally, and get pretty much indifferent to our Xes. There are many ways to come out of infidelity whole.

IDK if this has hit you yet, but I found that accepting my fears gave me strength. Knowing my fears made me aware of my vulnerabilities. I realized I had them - they didn't have me. One decision/realization that helped me commit to R was knowing that R was going well if my fear level went down as time went on. I knew R would not be going well if my fear level went up or even stayed the same.

I have to say I find myself rooting for you both. I know the fear you have but you also know more about what to look for in warning signs. I say this to give you something to ease your fears just a bit. Look, you said it yourself, you love this woman and you would like to love her like you use too. And even if you never make it that far you both will be happier than if you don’t try.
Also, she cheated on you as a younger woman for very specific reasons.(according to her) she didn’t cheat after that. So she most likely is not a serial cheater. I am not stating a fact here just a likelihood.
I think your approach with her is well suited to your needs. Trust yourself. I think maybe you don’t trust yourself to be able to deal with this happening again and maybe because you didn’t catch her the first time. She confessed if I remember correctly. I suggest you give her a little rope and let her prove herself. Lastly, you are doing this because you want to be happy. Keep trying as long as she makes you happy. You don’t necessarily have to do more than date on one end of the spectrum. Of course the other end is to remarry. This is all on you, your choice. Don’t say now what you might do a couple of years from now. Let things happen and see what happens. Good luck.

I question the dates thing and whether she had sex.

Have you considered her taking a polygraph? After what she’s done, this is in no ways out of bounds. Again, I’m 99% sure she’d have no problem doing this, and it would both give you comfort and encouragement she’s (now) being truthful with you.

Do you truly see your D as "punishment"? Or would it be better to think of it as the natural consequence of her many betraying choices?

I think we both feel it was a consequence. She might feel it as a punishment also but just like and criminal, you kind of expect to be punished for your actions.
I don’t want to polygraph. I want to trust that she is being honest with me. She HAS to know that if I find out she lied that I will go ballistic and she will never see me again outside of a wedding for our kids.
I think I am just scared and over thinking things. We will see how things go this weekend. I have received many texts from her wanting to know how my day has been going.

I know it’s not in order but I wanted to respond to sisoon.
I k ow that from something ugly can come something beautiful. Much like seeing lightning damage create beautiful designs where they struck.
I think I would characterize it like someone who took a broken tv and turned it into an aquarium. It’s nice but not what it was made for.
I don’t know about the statistics. I think I’m skeptical of how the data is collected. My daughter just brought up something regarding her degree that was like 75% of social workers suffer from burnout and of the 75 percent 90% were female. What does this say about women? I told her she should look at who was interviewed because social workers are predominately female. It’s just like the statistic that more men are injured than women on the job. Well, men are more likely to do jobs that are dangerous. Women tend to work smarter and are less likely to do stupid things for attention.
I hope that my ex and I can build something beautiful out of the remains of our marriage.
Regarding fear. I have always tried to move past them. I’m scared to death of heights but only of heights I might survive falling from. Airplanes don’t bother me.
I’m willing to overlook my fear to accommodate someone else. Like the want to go to the top of a skyscraper and see the city. I will do it but I won’t enjoy it.
I think acknowledging the fear is good. I hope to understand what makes the fear have a hold on me and how to rationalize it to my brain. I think with an affair that there is so many factors that hit you and healing brings pain also.
You are very smart and bring up great things to think about.
Also I made a call to my doctor to ask about cialis and she wants me to have a check up before she prescribes anything. I don’t know if there is any health risks but it has been a while since I had a physical.

Hi Notarunnerup. In general, women are more interested in people and men are more interested in things. Women dominate fields like
nursing, social work, while men dominate STEM fields, and pretty much all the dangerous jobs out there.
Women and men are very different. Now, after reading some of your story, it's obvious that your wife
was not only immature but she also held the other guy in higher regard than you. She might say
she didn't consider you during the affair, but she definitely had no respect for you either. You might
be a reliable guy in her eyes, but you are the guy she settled for. I would advise you to search for
love and happiness elsewhere, because a woman cannot love you if she doesn't respect you. She already
admitted to you that she went on dates, she probably tested the market and now wants her reliable guy back.
Work on yourself, be there for your kids and cut your XW out of your life. Give yourself a second chance to
be happy.

I think I would characterize it like someone who took a broken tv and turned it into an aquarium. It’s nice but not what it was made for.

I just want to challenge you on this, because I think this is another one of those assumptions that has potential to hold you back. I assure you I was destroyed by my husband's A, and I had a lot of similar fears about R. Having been through it, I don't think about our relationship like a tv turned aquarium though. It's more like one of those trees that was able to grow out of the trunk of another tree that was damaged in a forest fire. It's grown thicker bark and maybe has a few knots/scars but it is thriving and is more resilient than what stood beforehand. My marriage doesn't serve a different purpose than it previously did - we are still partners, and lovers, and companions in life. We have both changed and grown and adapted, as has our relationship, but that was ALWAYS going to happen, infidelity or not.
Relationships/marriages/people are not static objects that we put on a shelf to admire. Sure this looks different than what I expected but it's not some consolation prize/constant reminder of the fire.

How about this, you two date. You go places together. She comes to your place for popcorn and a movie. You go to her place and let her cook you a meal. You start as possible friends. Then, at some point possibly some affection which might lead to other things. Marriage is off the table. It is too stressful for you both so you can keep things on the surface until you feel comfortable talking about the deep issues. No timelines, just trying things on for size.

Just a reminder to please not make generalizations regarding sex, gender, etc.

Notarunnerup:

Check out the Japanese art of kintsugi using gold lacquer to piece together broken shards of pottery, creating a new piece more beautiful than the original through the process of breaking and repair.

Just a thought!

Rare but serious side effects of Cialis:

sudden hearing loss or ringing in your ears
vision changes, including vision loss
chest pain
fast heart rate
heart attack
prolonged erection*
high or low blood pressure*
severe allergic reaction*

I'll take the risk.

Congratulations on your decision. I’m sure it must be terrifying, but you have followed your heart. I’m hoping you can allay your fears and commit to going all in, or at least as much as you can.

She doesn’t know how lucky she is. Second chances are hard to find, especially after her actions, and this amount of time.

Hi NaRU,

It’s very understandable, you have a longing for deep connection but are equally scared of the risks attached, in a once bitten twice shy kind of a way. You have I think a very tender heart, that has been badly hurt. I know that feeling. My first thoughts are that the heart is a muscle, so the best protection for it is using it, in my view, perhaps slowly at first, and in doing so, of course you will, faster than you imagine, become and feel much stronger.

I personally dislike the words ‘in love’, in my view applicable to the neuro cocktail highs of idealised limerant, honeymoon soulmate love, much promoted by Hollywood, but not the kind of love that is standing for love, as described by Erich Fromm in the art of loving. Perhaps your ‘in love’ idealised your wife and marriage, perhaps not; perhaps her image of herself was fragmented by expectation, her history, or whatever, and she couldn’t see herself or you clearly. But now that she is not flawless but vulnerable flawed flesh and blood like you, and like you trying to make sense of it all and grow, it’s sounding like you feel she is remorseful enough for you to feel safe enough to consider trying. So I along with others here want to en-‘courage’ you, to go and exercise your heart, don’t let it shrink away from the possibility of love again. It sounds like you have compassion, for you both. That’s a great place to start. And she also. It also sounds like you are healthily risk alert - but hopefully not too risk averse - and like Sissoon I encourage you to do a full inventory of your strengths, because it seems it is you that you doubt, not your FWW, as your post is full of your perceived limits and incapacity to cope, to love, to be the full person it sounds like you want to be. Stick with compassion for you both, you were never runner up. It wasn’t a choice between two men but a choice between two women and she’s chosen the right one now.

There are so many metaphors we can run with - Emergent’s tree is great, of course, making me think of the new shoots arising from forest fire devastation, and it’s fruitful to think of the extant underground roots of your marriage as something that has capacity for wonderful new growth - phoenix like n’all. But even sticking with your own analogy, I see the comparison between the inorganic black box of the tv constructed from and constricted by societal convention to the colour and beauty of organic marine life, continuously renewed with nutrition and oxygen a really useful metaphor in itself. You can make that together, and it’s in your gift. Do you want to make that gift?

For myself, if my FWH’s midlife affair was a last ditch attempt at adventure, then my version of that is to take the risk of the adventure of reconciliation. I have no guarantees but am going to give it the best of me. And it is proving thus far, fifteen years later, so worth every effort and risk.

[This message edited by Edie at 5:20 PM, Saturday, January 27th]

Wanted to give an update.
We had a lovely brunch. It was just my ex and I. I don’t know what I should call her now. We talked a lot about nothing. We then went to Starbucks and had a coffee for a little while longer.
She invited me and our son to dinner at her house. I accepted and we parted ways. My son and I showed up around 6 and ate dinner. It was lasagna and was very good. After we ate my son went to watch the hockey game and I help my ex do the dishes.
There was a little flirting and I will say my butt was grazed a few times. You would think her kitchen was smaller than it actually is.
We say back at the dinner table and talked. I forgot to mention when he had our talk the other day that I said I did not want our kids to know we were trying again.
Anyway, we were talking in The dining room pretty quietly I thought and my son yells from the living room "pretty quiet in there. You better not be trying to make me a brother or something!"
This cracked us up.
We wrapped the evening and I had my son get the truck ready ( he has to get hours of driving time). My ex and I held hands. I thanked her for making today very nice and easy. She said she enjoyed herself also and asked if she could kiss me goodnight. I said yes but nothing too crazy yet. I got a nice kiss and a big hug. We said goodbye and drove home. On the way I got a text of a picture of my butt walking to the truck with a caption "yummy".
I thanked her for the compliment and said she was sneaky. She said she can sneak over to my house whenever I am ready.
It was a good evening.
What do I call my ex wife now?!?

Well every where but here I would just call her by her name. Here, you might consider fws for former ws. Seems that’s what many people do.

Sounds like things are off to a good start, I think you sound kind of giddy.

[This message edited by hikingout at 6:07 AM, Sunday, January 28th]

👍👍

Agree with Hikingout, FWS works well for here at SI.

It was a good evening.

So happy to hear it. 🙂

Thank you everyone.

Bit of a rough day today. Church pastor was talking about marriage as a lead up to Valentine’s Day.

He talked about how marriage is something to not give up on when feelings have subsided but something to fight for daily.

He talked about the obstacles that couples of the Bible faced and overcame with the blessing of God and love.

That it would have been easy to cast aside wife that was pregnant (Mary and Joseph) before marriage or the promiscuous wife (Hosea and Gomer). He talked about how God willed these things to happen for a reason and not to give up when things are hard.

I kind of blacked out of much of what he said due to stewing in my own thoughts.

I am not questioning my actions toward my FWS. I feel that divorcing was the right thing.

I talked to her about the sermon and how I felt and she could understand why I felt upset.

She tried to comfort me by saying that if God has a plan then maybe his plan was for us to divorce so SHE could learn how to be a better person. To give up her selfish ways and to learn to serve people better.

It made me feel better but I think I’m still pretty sour about it all, especially with yesterday going so well.

People talk about the rollercoaster. I thought I had gotten off the ride. I guess I got back on to see if it’s still as bad as I remember. Luckily it looks like my FWS is willing to get on with me and hold my hand.

[This message edited by Notarunnerup at 10:10 PM, Sunday, January 28th]

Just sending you some encouragement in all this, and my reaction to the sexual innuendo during your time together: she may be trying to "build you up" or something, but to me, it seems almost like she's being subtly manipulative...because she knows how she hurt you, and how you might now feel about being "desired" in a physical way, after all she put you through!! So my advice would be "Danger, don't succumb to that kind of approach. Rather, if it happens again, call it out as being overly 'fresh.'"

Waaayyyy to soon for that sort of behavior, IMHO.

Rare but serious side effects of Cialis

Actually, this entire drug class has a very serious side effect that people often forget about. You see, sildenafil, the original drug of the class, was being developed as a blood pressure medication. It didn't work very well. But a serious side effect was noted.

These drugs can cause you to have firmer more long lasting erections!!!

Just be very aware of that and use with caution.