SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Struggling with resentment for the fact he took years away from my life while pulling away from me during his affair. I was 26 when it started and would have probably recovered from a break up much easier than now at 31 when I want a family.

I’m also very resentful to myself for accepting such bare minimum for so long and assuming we were on the same space and effectively taking the relationship for granted. Giving him space unbeknowingly to have his affair when he said he was having trouble with mental health, so I didn’t think it was me or us. I knew we weren’t great but I didn’t know we were bad.

And now I’m still accepting the bare minimum but I’m aware of it more now because I’m not showing him affection, so he doesn’t show me any. I think previously because I was so loving I showed enough affection for the two of us that I didn’t realise he wasn’t - and when I did see I would often make comments and tell him.

Now I’ve become a mute and I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I don’t feel like therapy is working for me.

Maybe the resentment will disappear if I just accept what’s happened, this is part of our history now and move on to our plans of family as we had spoke about for years and even last year while he’d already knocked up someone else (she miscarried).

I think that’s part of my problem, acceptance.

Resent is normal. It's one if the things that have a tendency to effect even more strongly during the second year after dday.

Applying logic goes... 'what does resent get me?'

Of course, the answer is 'nothing'.

Strangely it's much easier for your mind to accept it that sooner than your heart does.

Ask yourself, do you see this man being a good lifelong partner for you and a good father for your children? Be honest with yourself. If you have reservations starting a family will not fix them

There is nothing keeping you with him except your own stubbornness at this point.

I understand where you are coming from. I feel like my WH took my chance at finding someone that would be a committed partner for life. I’ve been with him for 23 years. He also was not giving what he should to the relationship while having affairs for years.
I know you are struggling but why are you willing to accept this when you are not legally married, do not have kids with him and have minimal financial entanglement. It will hurt to separate but I think you would find your footing and be crystal clear on what you want in a partner and in life with some distance from him. I see a lot of myself in you, I tend to romanticize and somewhat make excuses for people. However I have changed tremendously these two years since d day. I thought we had a great relationship but in hindsight he was doing the bare minimum. Could you take some time away from him to do some soul searching. Do things on your own, meet new people? If he truly cares for you and wants to reconcile he would give you that space.

Resentment is part of the healing process.

Question is do you still love the cheating spouse and want to be a parent with them?