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Trials are a part of this life. Once we accept that and also realize that we are completely powerless over them, we can accept God's love to overcome

Therefore, so that I would not become arrogant, a thorn in the flesh was given to me, a messenger of Satan to trouble me - so that I would not become arrogant. 8 I asked the Lord three times about this, that it would depart from me. 9 But he said to me, "My grace is enough for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." So then, I will boast most gladly about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may reside in me. 10 Therefore I am content with weaknesses, with insults, with troubles, with persecutions and difficulties for the sake of Christ, for whenever I am weak, then I am strong.

2 Cor 12:7-10 (NET)

Virginiaregret and needfriendshere, I very much relate to where you are. My FWH and I had made so much progress towards reconciliation and then suddenly, it's like I hit a wall. I look at him and wonder how I can both love and hate him at the same time? I pray daily for restoration of our family and our hearts. We are in pastoral counseling and our Pastor said this week when I was describing how I felt that this is a fear stage related to the grief cycle that the devil would love to keep us in and that the devil fights the hardest when he knows he is losing the battle, which is what I cling to when I feel like I just can't get out of bed and deal with another day. It helps to me to feel that I am battling satan for my marriage because I know I've got God on my side, but some days I just feel so hopeless and/or angry.

I sit here this morning in front of this computer and reflect on the upcoming 2 year mark of Dday. I look back and wonder about what I have gone through for the last 2 years or even the last 27 years, what was it all for and who am I as a christian? In the last two years I have been in indescribable pain and anger. I have used the F bomb more times in the last 2 years than I have in my whole life. I have raged at my WH (from whom I have recieved mental cruelity in the form of belittling, backstabbing, gaslighting, you name it he did, for the last 23 1/2 out of 27 years), his mother (called her a f-ing back stabbing bitch, which she has been and then some, for 27years), and my niece (whom I love dearly, but has complained to me about her mother for the last 5 years, whom I also love dearly and has done nothing deserving the hurtful treatment her daughter gave her). My rage toward these three individuals has surfaced with the volume & intensity of a fog horn when I yelled at them for what they had done. I have also confronted other family members of my WH for their offenses toward me, but in a much calmer voice. All of these individuals have repeated done offenses to me or to someone I loved through the years. I just just kept turning the other cheek, internalizing their offenses and forgiving them until DDay happened. After DDay I have one by one, when opportunity presented itself, shared with each one of them my opinion of their offensive behaviors. As a christian my actions have left me feeling less of a christian for not continuing to turn the other cheek. None of these individuals except for WH has felt they are guilty of their offenses. Wh's mother is playing the wounded martyr who has done nothing wrong. I left telling her she was never welcomed in my home again and I had been treated like a second rate citizen for 27 years by her and her family and I wasn't going to tolerate it anymore.

None of these people, except WH, has asked for my forgiveness or even seen their wrongs they have done to me. Do I just forgive them and let them continue in their damaging behaviors toward me and others? These are people who have been toxic to me and my relationships with others for many years. What they have done are not isolated incidents as they would probably like to believe.

So where does that leave me as a christian. Is God at the very least disappointed in me because I stopped turning the other cheek? Am I a hypocrite christian because I stopped showing these people love or compassion?

Hihn,

Wow! I have not been in this thread for a while and then I come here today and see this:

None of these people, except WH, has asked for my forgiveness or even seen their wrongs they have done to me. Do I just forgive them and let them continue in their damaging behaviors toward me and others? These are people who have been toxic to me and my relationships with others for many years. What they have done are not isolated incidents as they would probably like to believe.

So where does that leave me as a christian. Is God at the very least disappointed in me because I stopped turning the other cheek? Am I a hypocrite christian because I stopped showing these people love or compassion?

I wish I could give you a hug! Your story sounds so much like mine. I think what happens after Dday is that we go into hyper-awareness (when it comes to all of our relationships) AND, for good reason, into a protective mode. My mother-in-law has been a monster toward me because I married her baby whom she hoped would never marry and care for her as she got older. It was "the joke" of the entire family. And for years, H's older brothers and their wives thought I was a fool for being as kind as I was toward her and for always doing things for her. Well that stopped shortly after Dday. Now, I cannot stand the sight of her and I avoid her at all costs. And even though she never liked me, she is acting all hurt. And I'm sorry, but I simply don't care. She made her evil little bed and now she can sleep in it. And my sister. She has controlled our family for years and has been a destructive force in my life since we were young. When I was 19, a therapist told me to stay away from her - that she was poison to me. But, until Dday, I couldn't. And don't even get me started on OW...

I think what we are doing, Hihn (you and I and anyone else here who has done the same) is realize that, emotionally, the A took everything out of us and we simply cannot take anymore. It is self-preservation, not cruelty, that is driving us. What we can and should do is pray every day for these toxic people in our lives - that the Lord will reveal Himself to them and that, through His work and His presence in their lives, our relationships can be restored. In the meantime, we NEED to maintain our distance. You can't help your reactions toward them now - if you are like me, it is almost a knee-jerk reaction. You have been hurt beyond what you can bear, and they trigger pain in you. But you can change your heart. Ask God to help you see them as He does. Then the behavior will follow. Even if we have to keep them at a distance for the rest of our lives, at least our hearts will be right toward them and with God.

And OutoftheAshes, this:

It helps to me to feel that I am battling satan for my marriage because I know I've got God on my side, but some days I just feel so hopeless and/or angry

I think Blakesteele has reminded me of this many times. We are in a spiritual battle - daily. The enemy delights in stealing our joy as we process the devastation of a loved one's betrayal, and now he wants to destroy the marriages we are working so hard to salvage. The anger we feel is normal. God knows our hearts. He wants us to be real with Him. If we do the work and remain in prayer, healing will eventually come. I have to believe that or else everything I have been doing since Dday (including staying with H) will have been for naught.

needfriendshere

thank you so much for your post. God bless you for replying to my post. Your words lifted up my heavy heart at a time when I needed it the most. As always you are a blessing for me and others here.

Hihn.....no, absolutely not. You don't have to stay in relationship with those that choose to hurt you. Forgiveness is not the same as reconciliation, nor is it to choose to be a door mat. You don't need to stay in relationship with them. I messed that up on my previous DD's......partly due to well-meaning but wrong "Christian advice", partly to my own yet to be unburied brokenness.

Forgiveness is important, we are called to forgive.....but we are not called to continue the relationship if the sin/destructive choices continue. Jesus choose to do this....forgive AND fight for a relationship with non-repentant people (us). This is where some pastors, including mine, have the gospel wrong.....and confuse others.

The whole bit of bringing sin one on one, then a small group, then the church......then, if the sin continues we are to distance ourselves. That's God understanding how sin damages our hearts.....pollutes the well spring of life! He calls us to protect our hearts! Note: doesn't mean to box our hearts up. Satan loves that when folks do this....cause the heart is where our power against satan lies. The Holy Spirit lives in our hearts. Take it out and you will fall. Which is why adultery sucks so bad........it tempts us to withdraw from from others (not just our WS), it confirms a lie many of us have believed since childhood--that we are not worth love.

NFH......good point on anger. We are never told we won't get angry....we will and SHOULD! Again, it took me a while to allow anger to be felt early into this trial. We are "just" called to not SIN in anger.

God gives us our emotions....and trusts us to be self disciplined enough to use them wisely.

Know when I talked to an attorney? When I had a third DD and felt angry enough to quit doing the same dang CoD dance! Know when my wife decided adultery wasn't such a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow? When I talked to an attorney. That was anger used righteously.

We both should have used this from the start of our M.....actually, would have been cool if we used it BEFORE we met. Perhaps them we could have dealt with our deepest wounds sooner....started the healing sooner.

That's the physical world part.....but the battles we fight start in the spiritual realm.

Our hearts are at stake. God wants to restore/make new....satan wants to steal and destroy.

Jesus finding the swap meet in the temple....he got angry. Righteously so. And he used that to do the right thing. He did not sin but he was not passive either! The turn the other cheek is not meant to instruct us to stay in abusive relationships. Look how many of us come from homes where parents didn't choose rightly and in doing so modeled really wrong relational skills for us......or abused us.

I'm in the middle of this particular battle right now. I will get another victory, but right now I feel isolated, alone and hurting.

Note I say "feeling". I've been in this battle long enough to know its not a fact. No matter how strong a feeling is, it's not a fact.

You are never as alone as you feel.

It's us never as dark as you think.

Courageously engage your heart and allow help to lead you forward. If others who hurt you choose to repent and a right path that's all the better. But don't let them failing to choose better keep you from doing so......and that may mean choosing to leave them where they are choosing to stay.

Thankful for SI.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 5:09 PM, December 7th (Monday)]

hihn, so much of what you wrote resonates with me. 2 years since DDay 3 and anger like I never thought I could have. The anger gives me power so I don't hurt but after the anger just empty. The F word is now my favourite word. Four letter or otherwise. I can't say I never used it before but it was very infrequent. Now...not so much.

I spent 25 years before A with MIL belittling, sneering. I never defended myself. WW ran and hid. Our children disappeared. WW has now ordered and read several books about toxic mothers, emotional incest. While the A was going on MIL had a stroke and we took her into our home. I bought things to make her stay easier and tried to convince her to stay longer because we could care for her. WW kept fucking OM.

I am, or at least I was, a devout Christian. Praying has been mentioned. I used to pray all day long. Thanking the Lord for the sunshine, thanking the Lord for the rain, thanking the Lord for healthy calves, wonderful daughters and grandchildren, praying the Lord be a shield for my loved ones, asking his assistance with decisions I needed to make. I have written about this previously and asked for prayers for me. I don't hardly pray anymore. I need to. I want to. But I just don't seem to.

Nonetheless, I will try to pray for us, for strength, for healing, for our WS to find what plagues them, for their healing. Most of all I will pray for my children, their spouses and grandchildren (found out today there will be another next June) that they will never feel this trauma, that the cycle will be broken, that the sins of the fathers (mothers) will end with them.

Hey SteadyChevy. You've been a blessing to me over the years. No doubt God has worked through you to help me. I hope he can do the same through me to you.

It's cool to converse with God....really be intimate with him. He craves it.....so open up, share yourself with him. Especially the painful crap. The stuff that you think makes you sound like a hurt child.

Satan loves us to turn from God when we don't feel grateful but don't want to admit it.

No doubt your MIL suffered from long standing unhealed wounds. Not excusing her, but offering some understanding.

Think about what draws you closest to others.....it's not just the good fun times. The best wild fire crews I've been a part of, the ones I have the best motors from are those that experienced real tough situations.....fire lines being over-run, being forced back to our safe zone, being burned over. At the time it was tough, but having shared that with others drew us closer. Same thing works with God.

God knows what adultery is. Sin is sin but God did single out adultery. It's the weapon of mass destruction....killing marriages and families, and not just those immediately affected by it but future ones as well.

Don't let your heart get bitter. Open it up to God....even the ugly parts.

We have original sin, but we have original glory as well.

Don't forget that.

I won't forget your support as I walked through my own dark valley's.

Peace brother.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 5:51 AM, December 8th (Tuesday)]

(((SteadyChevy)))

Blakesteele couldn't have said it any better. Prayer - a real pouring out of your heart - to God is good medicine. It's not that He does not already know your needs or that He isn't already bringing healing. But there is a connectedness between the Spirit within you and the Spirit without that is somehow awakened (or activated) through prayer - through our reaching out to and acknowledging God. So many people find they simply can't pray when the pain is too deep. I feel that is Satan's biggest ploy. Through that he attains small victories in the battle he wages against us and those we love and care for.

I will pray for you every day. When I had cancer and pulled through it, any time I heard someone was struggling with the disease I prayed for them until the need to no longer was there (and still try to). And now there is this. This pain has been worse than cancer in all too many ways. I know what you are going through and how you feel. More importantly, HE knows how you feel. After all, He is well acquainted with betrayal. Lift your heart up to Him. He can bring comfort in the midst of any storm.

You have a gentle spirit that comes through in your posts. I pray that this holiday season, you will experience the joy that our Lord can bring you. I pray for healing for you, your W, and your M. Please stay in touch.

((steadychevy))

Don't let Satan steal more of you. Just start talking to God and tell him it all. He knows it all, but longs for relationship with us. Share with him the hurt and anger, etc. Just say thanks for a sunrise, sunset, moon, etc. We are God's children and He wants us to bring everything to him. Satan desperately wants to separate us from God.

I pray for all of us. Adultery is so very destructive, especially to those in the blast zone, who didn't choose to commit it.

Thank you so much, blakesteele and needfriendshere. I know I have been on blakesteele's prayer list a while and that you add me to yours needfriendshere gives me comfort.

I find I can pray for specific things for others. I just don't seem to pray for myself or WW. It used to be just a regular part of my daily conversations - short frequent prayers little prayers, conversations with God. There was great comfort and connection with that. Many were prayers of thanks. Most were prayers for guidance, to be a shield, for safety and protection. Now the prayers I say seem forced to me - not natural - and are generally about others, many of whom are on SI.

Yeah, Satan knows when we are most vulnerable. I am probably more vulnerable now to his influence than I have been since before I finally took the Lord as my own personal saviour. (That took some time because I wanted to stay comfortable in the Christian faith but didn't want to be a Christian. Rebellious.) I believe Satan is whispering in my ear.

My MIL did suffer deep, festering wounds. I used to sit and coffee with her and try to talk to her in the areas of conversation that appealed to her. That usually went fairly well if it was just her and I early in the morning (both of us being early risers). She probably had abandonment issues as a teenager, she certainly did from when her husband (WW's father) cleaned out the bank accounts and left her with 4 small children (WW was 11) and no job to run away with his girlfriend and her children. MIL was bitter and I stole her surrogate spouse. Emotional incest. WW has FOO along with a lot of other baggage. The sins of the father passed along as part of the inheritance.

I said in my post above that I need to pray that the sins of the father will end with them (daughters, grandchildren). I should have said that they end with us - WW and me.

Yeah, adultery is a weapon of mass destruction with lon lasting effects - potentially generations. That is my greatest fear.

I wonder if I feel God let me down. I know only I can get to the bottom of that. You know - I fought becoming your child for so long and then did and you let this happen to me. I know that is flawed thinking but it is Satan suggestion - plant the seed of doubt and nurture it - keep whispering. I had great comfort being a Christian (finally). I wonder now if it was humble comfort or arrogant comfort. I suspect the latter.

blakesteele, my WW looks for your posts. They have given her considerable insight. For some reason they reach deep within her. I thank you for that. It pleases me that my ramblings have been beneficial, as well. A lot of the time I feel quite incoherent so I am glad. That is the beauty of SI. Hurting people helping hurting people. People who are well along the path of life long healing helping those who are still in the pit of despair and often not even knowing who they are helping.

I will finally close with thanks, again, for your prayers and support to you blakesteele and needfriendshere and all of the others I don't even know about.

First of all thank you all for sharing, praying and giving me your support. I know for certain that all of you here are a blessing given to me and to others from our God. Thank You, Thank You God!

((steadychevy)) I am praying the same thing for yours, mine and everyone's here!

I said in my post above that I need to pray that the sins of the father will end with them (daughters, grandchildren). I should have said that they end with us - WW and me.

Please Lord I'm begging you don't let this continue into the next generations of our families.

I get so much out of reading these posts. I'm really struggling today. The OW in our situation is pregnant, very likely with my H's child and it is a girl. We have not said anything to our four year old son as we are waiting on DNA confirmation after the child is born in February. Out of nowhere on Friday our son decided that he wants a sister. Last night he asked me to pray for God to give him a sister, so I did pray, God willing, for him to receive a sister. I pray all day long, the opposite, that God willing, this child is not my husband's, but if it is his will, to give me (and us) the strength we need. I'm trying to understand that possibly God is working through my son to tell me it will be okay as one of my biggest worries has been how this will ultimately affect him, but I struggle with how God views me praying for this child not to be his with then me praying for a sister for my son. H and I would like more children (far down the road when we are much more healed than now and obviously have the OW/OC situation figured out), so I told H that maybe it will come to fruition in that manner, which is obviously what my son is expecting. I just don't know. I've been so sad lately and I know Satan is feeding off of that, so when he first said he wanted a sister, I felt like Satan was in full attack mode, but a few days have cleared my head a bit I guess.

[This message edited by outoftheashes at 1:46 PM, December 8th (Tuesday)]

(((Outoftheashes)))

Just prayed for you. I do not think it is wrong for you to pray that the child is not your H's. Not at all. February is a long time to wait. Any time you need to vent, we are here for you!!

Im new here. DDAY was on Halloween....devils day indeed.

Forgiveness is important, we are called to forgive.....but we are not called to continue the relationship if the sin/destructive choices continue. Jesus choose to do this....forgive AND fight for a relationship with non-repentant people (us). This is where some pastors, including mine, have the gospel wrong....and confuse others.

This is what I'm pretty much basing my initial decision to try and R with FWH. He is repentent and not gaslighting or blaming. I did tell him that this is his one chance to make things right. If he chose adultry again, I can not continue in the relationship. Now, my worst fear is complete abandonment since I know he is capable of selfish behavior to the extreme. I know God will take care of me, but I fear the pain.

The fear is what I have been praying about daily. I pray for the spirit of love power and sound mind.

For those of you in R, how are you working prayer into your recovery and rebuilding process? We have not yet been to a therapist. My husband has not either yet. So far in this short time, we are asking God to bring to light the issues that we need to address. So far it is giving me more peace. H has recommited his life and I've had to ask for forgiveness my self with a couple of things that I did not realize were contributors to marriage problems. I'm still thinking we/he may need therapy to fix himself, but God is the great physician. Don't know how much better you can get.

Dang good stuff here, folks!! I know it's tough....I know we are on an active battlefield.....but I look around and through the smoke and mortar shells I see Gods team advancing!

It's pissing satan off.

It IS scary. We are right to be afraid. Have your fear....like anger, God allows us to feel fear for reasons (he doesn't make mistakes). So have your fear, but don't let it have you. Satan does whisper to us "this is too much, head back". God desires us to act courageously and press forward.

He gave us a spirit of power, love and self-discipline. Fear is a part of us, but it is not in Gods Spirit....courageously tap into His spirit.

Look how many of us lived well below our potentials because of fears.

"Sins of our fathers"......man, does that ring in my ears as if it exploded in my foxhole!

This stops here! I see NOW (just 3 years into this trial. Ugh) that we were going to hand down the same dysfunction and wounding I was given in my FOO to our girls had this trial not done what it did....open our eyes to the truth!

Keep the faith!

[This message edited by blakesteele at 9:19 PM, December 8th (Tuesday)]

You know I am reading this lovely book that that the priest from my work gave me to read....bottom line God DID make heaven and hell....but HE wants us all in Heaven! HELL is being separated from GOD

Advent is about Waiting.....reflect on that word .....waiting...whether it be sitting in traffic.....or waiting in line

We are WAITING....what are you doing while YOU are waiting???? Are we waiting for a sign? Maybe... I would like to think of myself as a shepherd....tending my flock....

peace....to all of us!

Just getting to one of my devotional's from Yesterday.

Steadychevy This is an excerpt from Sara Young's Jesus Calling for Dec. 8th. "Come to Me in all your neediness, with defenses down and with desire to be blessed." "Rejoice in your neediness, which enables you to find intimate completion in Me."

Hope to the soul is like breath to the body.

Take away breath, you kill the body. Any wonder satan wants us to believe we are hopeless?

Thanks, Brokenhearted. That is the best way. Just talking to God. I am trying but frequently slip back into not doing. I do think it is Satan talking to me, in my ear, that distracts me from talking to God. I need to be more convicted to do it, more determined.

Yesterday, while driving back from a meeting I found myself praying for others. AN 81 year old friend who is being tested for cancer, a neighbour going through chemo, a younger couple who desperately wanting children who have adopted one little girl and have had 2 more where the mother didn't want to give them up after all so they didn't get them who are now pregnant but with a few problems, my daughter pregant with her 3rd (just found out). But not for me. That is where I fall down.

Like you say, Brokenhearted, I need to get back in the habit with mini conversations with God.