SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I M(27) have been with my fiance F(25) for nearly 11 years. We got together in high school, and have lived together for about 8 of those years. A while back (3-4 years) I caught her texting/flirting and spending time with a coworker, but nothing got physical. Fast forward to about a month ago, and I catch her messaging someone that we met online playing video games.

She said she was sorry, said she would stop messaging him and I decided to leave it at that and move on. Over last weekend, she said she wanted to spend time with her friend that lives about an hour from us. She left Saturday night around 5pm and got home 1-2am Monday morning. Well I had sketchy feelings about the weekend from the start but we had been together so long and I trusted her completely, so at the end I had no reason to not let her go. On Monday morning when I left she asked me to grab her purse for her out of the car before I went to work. Well sticking out of her purse was an airline ticket to Wisconsin with a males name that I kinda recognized. It took me about 30-60 seconds to put it all together and I found out that he had bought her a ticket to fly up there and come see him. They speant Saturday night and Sunday together before she got back on a plane and flew home Sunday night. Her timeline of the trip is as follows...

She was picked up at the airport and brought to a hotel that he purchased her a room in. They spent some time together in the room watching TV and talking before he left her for the night. He picked her back up the next morning and proceeded to show her around town, eating lunch, then eventually bringing her back to the airport. She claims they hugged and she was weirded out and uncomfortable about the whole situation.

Long story short, I asked her to cut all communication with him if we are going to try to work this out, she said she would. However, she continues to text him and talk with him. I even found out this morning that she texted him and picture of her with her ring off...I think that really was the last straw for me, it's all the hurt I can take, and her actions are telling me that she doesn't want to be with me anymore. I told her that if we were to continue to be together she would have to promise me that she would never do something like this again, to which she replied she honestly can't.

I'm not delusional, I know there is an extremely high possibility that I don't have all the facts and that more happened between the two of them. I try not to think about the things that I don't know and focus on the facts, but it's easier said than done. She confessed that they sent photos back and forth to each other but claims they were innocent, this morning found nude photos of her that we sent to him a few days before she left to see him...

I don't know where to go from here, I've read a few pieces on this forum and hearing others discuss similar situations has helped, but I am just so lost and clueless about what I should do. I still love her and want to be with her more than anything, but I don't know if I actually can and put myself at risk again. I don't show my emotions often or well, but this has broken me down to nothing and I see no end in sight for the pain that I am in.

I don't know what I am asking for or what I'm in search of, but it at least helped to write everything out and potentially get some insight from people who have been through this or similar situations.

Thank you for taking the time to read, I'm sorry it was so long.

I'm so sorry you find yourself here. There are lots of really kind, knowledgeable folks here that will be along to offer advice. Many have years of experience and helped me greatly when I found need of this site as well.

As you'll come to learn, all cheaters behave similarly. What you have been told has been happening is not the truth. No grown people deceive their loved ones to get on a plane, go to a hotel room just to watch T.V. You can't 'win' your fiancee back, or make it not happen again by getting her to 'promise' she won't do it again. She needs to do a lot of work on herself to become a safe partner for you, and based on your post, it doesn't really seem like she ever has been. 3-4 years ago she was unfaithful to you. She has told you time and time again that she would stop, but really never has. She sounds the most truthful by saying she won't stop doing it again this last time - believe her.

Take care of yourself - eat, drink, exercise. Read the info in the healing library. Call off the wedding.

Keep posting, and keep reading. Lots of advice to come.

So let me get this straight. According to her, Jon Johnson (from Wisconsin) paid for an airline ticket to fly her to Wisconsin, and also paid for a hotel for her in Wisconsin. He did all of this so (a) they could spend a couple hours in a hotel talking and watching TV, before he went home for the night, and (b) he could then go back to the hotel, buy her breakfast, show her around town (because Appleton is such a happening place?) before dropping her at the airport. Because this is a normal ordinary thing any dude would spend his money on for a chance to spend a couple hours talking, watching TV, and seeing a couple of thrilling Wisconsin sights, since there's no way two people in a truly platonic relationship could replicate all of that over the internet, in real time, without the cost of an airline ticket or hotel.

Also according to her, she did all of this in secret. No, in fact she crafted some lies, specifically to deceive you, telling you that she had to go out for the weekend to comfort an old friend who's feeling down (yes, that's a quote from The Eagles "Lying Eyes"). In fact, she was secretly flying to Wisconsin to see Jon Johnson in a hotel that he's paying for, on a flight that he also paid for. Nice guy, that Jon Johnson. No guy would ever expect, say, pussy in exchange for that level of expense. And the fact that she lied to you about what she was doing and where she was going does not in any way support a conclusion that she gave Jon Johnson any sexy times as a lagniappe for his generous Wisconsin hospitality.

By the way, she wants you to just ignore the photo of her hand sans engagement ring? While telling you honestly that she won't stop doing this stuff?

My friend, what really puzzles me the most about this is the title of your post: "I'm So Lost". Dude, how could you possibly be lost when there is a giant "Welcome to Hell" billboard right in front of you. If you continue forward, you'll be in Hell. Your faux fiance is telling you who she is. Believe her.

You're a baby. 27 years old. Barely fledged from the nest. You've got your whole life ahead of you.

You two met way too young and have obviously grown apart. Here is what you do: Ask her to let you see her actual hand without the engagement ring on it. Make something up, like you want to compare it to the photo to verify whether it really is her hand. Then, snatch up the ring, take it back, and leave the relationship as fast as humanly possible.

[This message edited by Butforthegrace at 4:36 PM, Friday, September 2nd]

I’m so sorry Max.

Your whole world has been destroyed in an instant. it’s totally understandable why you can’t focus.

Unfortunately you are in a new world now and you are going to have to deal with the reality.

The advise you are going to receive is harsh. But it is harsh for a reason. Your girl has checked out and is now in a new fantasy relationship. That’s the truth.

There are patterns to these things that play out again and again. No matter how much we wish for it to not be true.

You girl is in an active sexual affair. That’s the reality.

She did not spend the weekend with one uncomfortable hug. It was very sexual.

That’s not meant to hurt you it’s meant to snap you into the reality of the situation that you don’t want to believe is true.

She took a magical romantic filled weekend in a new area seeing new things and it was very new and exciting for her. There are so many new possibilities that her imagination is running wild and feeding her attraction.

She is now a junkie high on new feelings for this man and this new future full of possibilities.

You cannot reason with her. You can not fight to win her back as you will only feed these feelings.

Also you fighting for her will still provide her with a place of safety until she can make sure her new place is safe enough to jump ship.

You also cannot chain her up against her will. She needs to be controlled but she has to agree to that willingly.

You don’t want to be in a relationship where she is in jail and you have to be the warden. Watching her every move.

Also if you put up with this she will lose respect for you. She knows she is hurting you. She does not care.

She told you she is not going to stop.

You only have one option. You need to move out immediately.

If you own the home kick her out if it’s yours or leave if it’s hers. If it’s both of yours put it up for sale immediately.

If it’s a rental pay whatever you need to to break the lease or transfer it to her and leave.

You need to get permanently out of there right now. You cannot wait.

You will be in for nothing but torture and pain if you wait and in the end you will still need to move.

Doing otherwise is just prolonging the inevitable.

I know it’s easier said than done.

Afterwards block all communications. You need to heal and only time and distance will help.

You need a total break to recover. You have been with her a long time and love her. Make no mistake you are physically addicted to her.

You need the clean break. You can’t keep talking to her as it will keep you addicted.

She needs the consequences of her actions to hit her hard and fast. She needs a complete change in her life as she has changed yours.

If you have been reading you would see that the people who take the strongest most decisive actions have the best results.

If you do all those things you may lose her forever.

She may try desperately to save the relationship. Then she will willingly agree to be controlled to an extent.

Or she may try a new relationship fail and try to come back later.

Who knows for sure but all you can do is what’s best for yourself.

The sooner you get out of this situation the better for yourself in the long term.

Your still young. You have plenty of life left. Don’t sink months and years into trying to force someone to love and respect you.

Get away from her as soon as possible.

Make sure to start eating healthy in the meantime. Work out. Drink plenty of water. Work on your money.

I highly recommend the books by Dr Robert glover called "no more mr nice guy" and "dating essentials for men". There is a lot of self help in both of those.

You need to move forward and make your life the best it can possibly be.

I wish I had a magic wand to fix all of your problem but there is no such thing.

You can’t control her you can only control yourself.

Don’t allow yourself to stay where you are for long it won’t get better if you don’t take action today.

Start packing your stuff in boxes right now.

Call friends and family you trust for support.

I’m sorry for what you are going through but if you take action you will be ok.

I'll be honest with you, I firmly believe that cheating is a character flaw. Not an unrecoverable character flaw, but it does mean a total tear down and rebuild of one's values system. Your WF (wayward fiance) doesn't really value fidelity or honesty, not in the manner she has claimed. She's got a "but..." in her value of fidelity. ie. "She believes in fidelity, but... not if she needs online romances to validate her". She might argue that she's not cheating because she didn't have sex or whatever, but even if we take her at her word (which is dubious under the circumstances), it's a hidden relationship that she's told big whopping lies about in order to keep you in the dark. I think you can safely call it "cheating" whenever your partner is doing things with another person that they wouldn't do if you were standing right next to them.

Fourteen and sixteen is terribly young to make a lifetime commitment. It's just not possible to know who you'll grow up to be until right around the age you are now. The prefrontal cortex of the brain isn't fully mature until the mid-twenties. What you might be finding out though is that her values didn't turn out to be the same as yours, and while that's NOT irreparable, it's not an easy fix either, nor is it something you can do FOR her. She's got to see the need to do it and then do the incredibly humbling and painfully introspective work of remediating her poor character.

I appreciate everyone's replies so far and I think I'm going to start by return home this evening and packing my things. I've got a place I can stay in my hometown that is safe and I can use to figure things out. Most of you are telling me that it's over or not worth R. I believe that I have become co-dependent over this relationship and I need to realize what that means and how it affects my decisions moving forward. Although we are young we have been through more trials and tribulations than most young couples or couples in general. She had a shitty childhood, to which I basically rescued her from, she lost her father to a terrible situation recently that absolutely shook her to her core, and I have been there through all of it, helping her heal and process things.

I know I should probably talk to a professional at some point about all of this to try to work it out properly/in a healthy way, and I'll look into getting some help. I don't need someone to come in here and tell me that there's still a chance because even though there is, it would probably be pretty emotionally irresponsible of me to go down that road.

She has cheated on you twice before you were to get married. Do you really think that she will be a faithful spouse, after you get married?

I am sorry that you got blindsided.

Read up on the articles/threads on this site. And follow the playbook.

Good luck. You are going to find out what "TT" (Trickle Truth) means really soon.

So sorry you had to find this place. Check out the healing library here. When you’re looking for counseling find someone trained in betrayal trauma.

You are 27 years old and there are no children involved. If you stay, it will be the worse decision of your young life. If you leave, you will look back several years from now and pat yourself on the back for dodging a horrible bullet. Your relationship has run its course. Your fiancé took the chicken's way out by cheating as opposed to breaking up with you.

Of course they had sex. It is probably not her first time cheating on you. But who cares at this point. You can get out relatively cleanly. Marriage to this person would be a nightmare. Take it from me. I lived it and paid the price of staying. You will become her warden. You will wonder if she is cheating again. She probably will be. I can't emphasize strongly enough how important that you cut your losses at this point in your life.

Respect yourself and your life. Concentrate on becoming the best you can be physically, emotionally, and financially. Work on your career. See a therapist if you need help in disengaging from this person. But, please, do not waste another minute with this individual. If you take her back you will rue the day you did.

[This message edited by src9043 at 6:27 PM, Friday, September 2nd]

The reality of infidelity is that few comes recover from it. I was very hopeful when I offered R to my WW, and I looked for anything that would give me hope. The Affair Recovery industry was more than willing to sell me hope and I gladly ate it up. Now looking back, I should have filed for D right away. Ironically, it might have saved my M. Looking back, I made the right choice eventually.

I would recommend reading Cheating in a Nutshell. It's anecdotal, but other research supports that about 70% of relationships have ended over infidelity at the 5 year mark. Of those that survive, some are worse, men, or better, but I would suspect that almost no one really recovers from infidelity, in the sense that everything is really OK, just like no one really recovers from the death of a child.

If you are going to do thecwork, she needs to be worth it. I'm not sure she is, since you got together really young, and she is still developing as a person.

You are young and at the peak of your marketability as a partner once you fix yourself. You've never really had a chance to find yourself either as you have been with her from a young age. I would address the codependency issues as well.i read Codependent No More. Good book that helped me understand my patterns. I will forever struggle with these issues, but now that I am aware of them, they are much easier to navigate.

I think it is a good idea to get some space and detach so you can process. When I did this, I had many "Hey, wait a minute!" moments where I realized that a given situation was not how I thought it was. As I detoxed, I realized that my WW was not the prize I had thought she was, that she had patter s of behavior all along that made her cheating something that was completely in character, and that I was actually a great catch. She had run me down for decades and my self esteem was in the shitter.

I'm D now and have been on my own fully for 3 years. It feels good and I continue to grow and find my way as I discover more about myself. My advice. Take the time to really unpack what has happened. Get yourself to a safe space where you can process, get some IC which really helps.and get some support IRL. I had a best friend who was instrumental in my healing. Good luck.

...I think I'm going to start by return home this evening and packing my things. I've got a place I can stay in my hometown that is safe and I can use to figure things out.

Sometimes distance can provide clarity, so I don't think you're making a bad decision on that.

I am really sorry to read that you are here for this reason.

You are absolutely doing the right thing by moving out and moving away. This, even though it's going to keep on hurting like hell in the meanwhile. Basically, a bomb has been dropped on your life, and the tendency of too many of us is to try to get things back to the way they were before and "forgive" our cheating exes. That is absolutely the worst thing you could be doing though.

You are 27, and you have your whole life ahead of you. Meanwhile your ex has had no problems lying to you with a straight-face. She is just not someone you can trust with the rest of your life. And meanwhile, there are plenty of GREAT women out there, MUCH better than your ex.

[This message edited by WontBeFooledAgai at 1:30 AM, Saturday, September 3rd]

Very sorry you are here. This is painful, painful stuff.

You said:

I still love her and want to be with her more than anything, but I don't know if I actually can and put myself at risk again.

It really isn't about your willingness to stay. It's her willingness to be a loyal and faithful partner. She has told you that she cannot (will not).

It's simply not about your choice at this point. She has stopped loving you (the way you deserve) and is now dating other people. How exactly could YOU make that work? Hint: you can't.

She's left the relationship.

Your idea of moving out and home makes good sense. Go get yourself some love and support.

Max, Many years ago I was in your shoes. Your post is very similar to what I went through with my first long term GF (of 5 years). We also started dating in high school and talked about marriage. Its interesting how even though times have changed, the behaviors of cheaters have not. Like you my X had similar indiscretions. I received the same type of explanations "nothing happened", "we just spent time getting to know each other", "we are just friends" etc. We were separated for a month, while she was getting to know her "friend". I was starting to feel better and finally heal, when she came back. She wanted to try again and young me (22) was foolish enough to believe her, or perhaps I wanted to believe her, just so the pain would go away. This was before the days of cell phones and internet. Almost 1 year later, it happened again but this time the new guy wasn't scared off by her crazy. We broke up for good. What my X and your STBX are doing is called "monkey branching", she didn't want to let go of one BF until the other was in her grasp. Its toxic and so much baggage is carried over to the new relationship (which often fails). It took me some time to heal. What helped me was thinking that the person I was in love with was dead and a succubus was occupying her body. Complete no contact. A few years later, the best thing happened to me, I met my wife (26 years married, two adult children). I should have never gotten back together with my X after the 1 month separation, all it did was prolong the pain and waste another year of my life during my collage years. I've read many infidelity stories over the years and I can't image how much harder it would have been for me if I had kids with my X and mixed finances. GET away now and DO NOT look back! One day she will be a distant memory and you will be happy. Your STBX has shown you who she really is, Believe her! A few years ago, I got a FB message from my X apologizing for what she did to me. The guy she left me for was abusive and eventually left her in the same manner she left me! Karma maybe? Hit the Gym to work out your frustrations and anger, spend time with friends, don't turn to alcohol, take your time to heal and love and respect yourself enough to never accept the unacceptable.

You were both so young when you got together that you imprinted on her but she did not on you. Co-dependency is sometimes overused. I don’t think you ever got to do the screwy things guys do because you were so dedicated to her. I suggest individual therapy for you to help you untangle yourself from her.

This is not unheard of. My hs boyfriend was much more in love with me than I was with him. It made me sad to break up with him when we left for different colleges but I did not want to cheat on him. I wanted the freedom to be a college kid with no obligations. It took him a long time to let go but he finally moved on. I suspect this is where you two are emotionally.

Good luck. I think you will be fine. You have a great life ahead. Go.

That was one heck of an emotional bomb she dropped on you.
Glad to see you realize you need some space.
Be grateful you found out before you married what she was like, the fact that she couldnt honestly say she wouldnt do it again, and taking pictures with her ring off should give you a solid footing to take in the real view of your world with her.
I wish you luck, and please never forget there is nothing here that is on you in this.

Max,

Sorry you are here but you couldn't be with a better group for advice and guidance.

I have many regrets about my own situation with my XWW, none greater than I stayed after D-day 1. My XWW had a horrific childhood and it scarred her - she failed to get professional help throughout our 29 year marriage and medicated herself with extramarital relationships.

I learned the hard way about serial infidelity. I wish I had packed my bags the first time. Hindsight is always 20/20. I was deeply in love with a woman who simply could not be faithful. It's not incurable but it's damned difficult to overcome, and impossible if your wayward lover isn't willing or sincere about making changes.

You are wise to pack your bags, step away for at least a while and think about things with the clarity of separate living situations. I wish you the best of luck and healing wishes.

You are going to recover from this and come out stronger. It is going to be a hard year or two, but you are free to focus on yourself.

Thanks everyone for reaching out and sharing insight. It has really helped me deal with the past few days. I would like mention that at this point I do think that I have been told everything, she admitted that their affair was physical, didn't try to downplay what happened. She also started admitting and talking to her family about what happened while also not minimalizing her actions. This was all withoutnme asking for or mentioning it. Me packing my stuff and telling her I'm moving out really must have shocked her system because I see a complete change in her view on this whole situation.

I will do my best to try to not get lulled into a false sense of security, but I can't help but to think that she is starting to understand and accept responsibility for what she's done and begun to understand what she put us through. This is a huge step in the right direction if in fact I do decide to attempt R. Doesn't make the decision any easier, but it does make me feel better and boost my self worth/confidence.

Tiny victory on a long road to recovery? Yay

Tiny victory on a long road to recovery?

Nope. It's exactly the opposite. Tiny puff of hopium that you are inhaling to keep clinging to a false hope.

You're doing exactly the wrong thing. Take your engagement ring back and run screaming. Your 35-year old self will be grateful to your 27-year old self if you do.