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You did all you can do, she continues to rub your nose in it. Move forward with D and don't let her try to reel you back in. When she senses she is truly losing you she will try to keep you on the hook. Don't let her distract you, you got this.

I don’t know how you did it, giving your children a happy birthday and Christmas, with fresh betrayal trauma churning inside you. You have all my admiration. I hope you quickly start to see hope of a new day as you walk down this unforeseen path.

You are a king amongst men being able to swallow this rubbish and still be the best Dad you can be over Christmas. Thinking of you buddy.

Oh she was 'sick' was she? Well, we all know she is for a number of reasons, but I'd put money on it that she spent all day in bed talking to the scumbag. How do I know this? My ex did the same.

I can't wait to see her dose of reality in due course when she realises she threw her family for an absolute dud, but you hopefully won't be around to see it.

and try and move on the the next chapter of my life.

Yes, this is your mission now, for you and the kids. Things get easier when your path becomes more clear, and your WW could not have made it clearer.

The next chapter is something to look forward to with great anticipation and optimism. Take the last chapter and file it away in a special place. In spite of all that has happened, I’m sure there were plenty of good times and cherished memories including the birth of your children.

And now, it is time for you to make more cherished memories, and hopefully with someone new, someone who will redefine for you what it is like to be truly loved and desired, and if for some reason you don’t, you still have you, love yourself, never betray yourself and, you still have your kids and your family.

It’s hard to watch a spouse drive themselves, resolutely, down the road to ruin. Where the harder you try and save them, the more firmly they press the accelerator. It’s very much like dealing with a beloved addict. At some point you just have to cut them loose, let them hit rock bottom, or they will just drag you and the kids down with them.

I have less pity for adulterers than I do chemically dependent addicts as I don’t believe the pathophysiology and impairment of competence is quite the same, but an adulterer is just as irrational and impervious to logic and reason.

So I wouldn’t pay too much attention to any of her Wayward nonsense. It is truly nonsensical.

I’m wishing you a Happy New Year and fulfilling New Chapter.

[This message edited by RealityBlows at 7:36 AM, Wednesday, December 27th]

You need to see a lawyer asap. I am not familiar with laws in the UK but you need to take steps today to protect yourself financially and thereby the financial future of your kids. Don’t waist time finding the "best" lawyer but rather find a good lawyer and follow his/her advice. Time is important to you. If you have split up, what is your agreed to financial arrangement? Does she make enough money to support herself? Or does she expect you to help finance her new love affair? Many times the wayward are so caught up in the fairy tale that they can’t see what real life challenges await them. If you need advice along these lines give more details. If not needed, great. But remember, act today.

Brlywtr

Merry Christmas and I hope and pray you experienced some joy in the enjoyment of your kids.

I try to base my advice on what I consider ultra-realism. That realism can be quite cold and calculated, but IMHO the only way to deal with reality is with reality. It’s like if your car gets stuck in a snowbank you can hope and pray that Superman and his friend Spiderman swoop down and give you a push, but if you dwell on that hope for ten minutes you will still be stuck in that snow ten minutes later. I’m more of a get-your-shovel-and-start-digging type of guy.

The reality is that you can’t force anyone to remain in a relationship. A marriage is totally 100% based on both wanting the marriage. Your wife has given you a very clear message through her actions – and now her words – that she want’s out.
The reality is that her telling you what she wants is NOT the worst outcome.
Far from it.

What would be immensely worse is if you had to endure today, tomorrow, the day after, the day after that and so on with her smirking and sneaking off, hammering at her phone and giggling like a teenage schoolgirl with a crush.
What would be immensely worse is if she told you it was over. Maybe even love-bombed you and went to MC and you think everything is so good and hunky-dory. Only to catch her going to him when she claims to be going to her friend Sue.
What is IMMENSELY WORSE is REMAINING in INFIDELITY!!!

THAT is the WORST outcome.
Worse than divorce. Worse than being able to start your healing.

I get it that you wished to reconcile. My strategy was to make the reality of her actions clear to her. That could possibly either force OM to dump her (after all – he might not want her on a more permanent basis) or make her wake up to the consequences of her actions. That could have opened up the possibility of reconciliation.
But… like I already said: reality is that you can’t force anyone to remain in a relationship. She has chosen not to be married.

The sooner you sort-of mentally say "Great! At least now I know! I can work forwards from this position" and the sooner you start the reality of ending the marriage the sooner you start healing.

Finally – on a practical and realistic issue: If there is no big family inheritance or trust-fund or estate, if there is no registered company founded while married, if there is no collection of assets, a wealth of funds and stocks and so on… If this is the typical man + wife + house + mortgage + vehicle + some cash + some debt + kids… then you don’t need Matlock or Perry as an attorney. Chances are you could do this yourself (not recommended) or with a single solicitor to ensure you follow the laws and cross all the t’s and do all the i’s. Don’t make this more of a drama than need be.

You did everything you could to try to Reconcile. Sadly it is painful (and hurtful) to watch someone you love make the choices they do.

It is very typical to rewrite the marriage history. Suddenly you are controlling and manipulating and not a fun person. Really how dare you!!!(eye toll here). Typical cheater behavior by the way.

If you want a laugh my H told me during his affair that I never loved him and married him for other reasons. After 25 years of a good marriage where I put him first, he had the audacity to say that.

Just know cheaters will say anything to justify the affair.

Your children are lucky to have a parent who puts them first. Take pride in the fact you did and will do what is best for them. Always.

I’m sorry your family is being torn apart, especially around the holidays. But cheaters are a selfish lot, and your STBXW just fits the mold.

Now this is not the end. It is not even the beginning of the end. But it is, perhaps, the end of the beginning

I just want to commend you for managing--- in just the space of a few weeks, arriving at a point where there can be a clear path to getting out of infidelity.

It took me 6 months of trauma and suffering to arrive near the point you're at now.

I know it's not fun, but you should take some solace in knowing that you've been moving towards healing faster than most of us did.

Her family are going to hate what she is doing, so I fully predict in 6 months time she will be single, possibly pregnant, and have a family that look down on her.

I'm so sorry your here.

You said that your WW and the AP had unprotected sex. Unless she is on birth control or had access PlanB, she may already be pregnant. I doubt she even thought of that. Does she think that the AP will want her if she is ?

I wish you the best for the new year, you will get past this.

To folllow up Wish, you may want to convince her to get a pregnancy test to be sure that she is not currently pregnant.
I don't know the UK rules but in the USA if you are married you are considered the daddy unless proven otherwise.
And if she gets knocked up by the BF and he splits as soon as she tells him you may on the hook for another guys kid.

I found 4500 deleted messages on her phone last night.

Selfies, declaring love for each other, sexual pictures, pictures of my kids opening their presents on Christmas morning.

Photos of our family Christmas at her parents saying one day you will be here.

I confronted her and she's now pleading with me that she can't lose me and she can't lose her family.

I obviously know this is only happening because of me discovering the texts, but I really do want to try and reconcile.

I just can't bear to lose my family. What do I do? What does she need to do?

Please don't judge me, I know I'm weak and stupid, I'm just lost.

I just want help

The bh here,who have had the most successful reconciliations,decided very quickly they wouldn't tolerate one more day of abuse. They were aggressive in what they wanted.

Absolutely no more contact of any kind.

A letter sent to OM(from her)telling him if attempted any more contact there would be legal consequences. And,when he breaks NC,have your attorney send him an official NC letter.

She quits her job. Right now.

Std tests

Full transparency. You get full access to all accounts and the phone. Passwords included.

She is completely honest,at all times.

She answers all questions.

She understands this takes years to heal from.

Don't show her this site.

You can not drag her through reconciliation. She has to take the lead. She has to do the heavy lifting. She has to do the work to become a safe partner (hint..it has nothing to do with sex,housework, the kids,etc).

She doesn't really want reconciliation. She was just sending him pics a few days ago. Literally. Her saying she wants her marriage is a game play. Nothing more.

[This message edited by HellFire at 11:50 AM, Thursday, December 28th]

You know your weak but she can’t know it or she is more likely to make more bad decisions. Fake it until you make it. See a lawyer and start divorce process. Ask her to stay with her folks or even her boyfriend. You don’t care but if she sees him one more time the divorce is 100%. If she does everything right she has a 10 to 20% chance of saving her marriage. And let me stress to you the white knight in you has got to be suppressed. This is her shit to fix. You cannot come to her rescue. For the sake of your marriage you have to step back and let her take the lead. You have to make sure that she actually does enough to save the marriage. There are books in the healing that you should insist that she reads. You should insists that she sees an infidelity experienced IC. For now until she moves out lake her sleep in a spare bedroom. Do things for yourself. Take up old hobbies, see old friends. None of this includes her. Go back and read all of Bigger’s posts. Steel yourself for the next two to six months
By doing these things she will snap out of her fog or she won’t. But more likely that she will. For whatever reason WW see their BH trying to win them back by being nice to them as pathetic and that behavior drives them into the arms of the AP. Don’t make that mistake. It looks like she has started to emerge from the fog. Do the things I’ve listed and get her on the road to R. But one more thing. If this does not keep her from seeing pos ap then you must follow thru with divorce. This is just you best chance at saving marriage in my opinion.

Thank you guys.

What are the best books to use? I will literally buy it for her and leave it on her bed

Do not buy her the book! Tell her about the book and that you expect her to buy it. Something like; if you’re really serious about fixing what you’ve broken you should buy "How to help your spouse heal from the affair" by Linda McDonald.

She doesn't really want reconciliation. She was just sending him pics a few days ago. Literally. Her saying she wants her marriage is a game play. Nothing more.

Oh man, the probability that this is true remorse from her is very very low. Read everything Hellfire posted and let it sink in.

IMO you are on the verge of learning a much harder lesson than even your wife's treason-by-adultery, and that is the lesson of being strung along by false reconciliation. I had to learn that lesson over 10 long grueling years. But know what? I CHOSE IT. No amount of "pick me dancing" or "hopium smoking" or "white knight syndrome" is going to bring about the level of change needed in her this quickly.

What is more probable is that something may have changed with her f buddy. As in, the jig is up and he is not up for the whole marriage conflict, step-dad scene. Hes had his fun and hes backing off. Very very common. My wifes f buddy did just that and she made some noise about us getting back together. I was a desperate young husband and father and bought what she was selling. Horrible horrible mistake. I deeply regret it to this day.

But, thats my reality and if you must put it to the test, do so, but dont back off the hallmarks of a truly remorseful cheater. Read everything in the healing library. Read the stories of "successful" reconciliation here on this site but be warned, even they are not for the faint of heart. I can barely stomach some of them myself due to the sheer level of pain and nauseating heartache. And that is in the best of cases. We are talking years of this. Years. Think she has that in her? I doubt it.

Believe only her actions, not her words.

You were told what you need to do in my first post on your thread.

You stick by your guns that you are getting out of infidelity, and that she has a very limited opening to follow you. During that initial phase you are still realistically open to that she will/might cheat and therefore you are still preparing everything for the possible/inevitable separation. The pace is something you control, so IMHO you don’t need to fork out for a solicitor as of yet, but you do need to research divorce.

Right now she’s like the drunkard that’s been released on a Sunday morning from the local police station drunk-tank, with the worlds worst hangover and is 100% committed to sobriety, only to be guzzling a pint next Friday. She needs to show you 100% commitment and nothing else.

You make it 100% clear to her that she CAN go to OM.
You make it 100% clear that the ONLY thing she will lose by committing to the OM is YOU and the present form of family. Point out that she is totally 100% free to spend next Christmas with OM, and that if divorced and a custody-plan in place even the kids might be there (depending on who get’s that Christmas.
Your BEST and BIGGEST hope for a successful reconciliation is where she stands in front of you devoid of all excuses for why she won’t or can’t leave other than she wants YOU.

Look – only a couple of days ago she’s telling Bob the Builder how much she loves him and how he can be there next year. Now it’s over…
I can promise you with near 100% assurance that if you try to rug-sweep, do the pick-me or any compromise from a rather hard "it’s totally your choice, but your actions will either keep me on MY path or possibly divert me to reconciliation" then she WILL contact OM within a week. It’s only a question of when YOU will find out.

You have a usable list above (excluding the quit her job since a) she doesn’t have one and b) the OM met her at the family home).
I want to add one key element to that list:
IF OM tries contact in any way or form – be it phone, text, email, run-in at the store or whatever… she has to let you know. It’s not your role to get angry at her for any such event because she can’t control OM, but if she responds to the contact or initiates the contact then again it’s a clear signal of what she wants.
You can’t make her read anything, nor should you be giving her unclear messages or expectations by leaving books by her bedside. Right now – if she were to read any book on infidelity – it would be to find justifications for why she did it, rather than reasons for why she is accountable for her actions.

Right now there is really only ONE goal in mind:
That is that she shows you through her actions and accountability that she is not in contact with OM. THAT is the goal from NOW until – say – 10th of January.

Look – we sometimes compare infidelity with addiction. When an active addict is placed in rehab they don’t start from day 1 with AA meetings, therapy and 12 step. They start with detoxication. This is where you wife is now.
IF you can become convinced that for the next days (10th Jan…) your wife is NOT initiating or returning contact with OM… Then and only then do you have a chance.

That btw fits perfectly with the required STD tests. Her willingness to do them should also tell you a lot.

Selfies, declaring love for each other, sexual pictures, pictures of my kids opening their presents on Christmas morning.

Photos of our family Christmas at her parents saying one day you will be here.

^^^Please, please do not let your guard down. She's only remorseful because she got caught.

Make appointments with several attorneys to understand your rights.

Christmas was three days ago, and all of a sudden she's afraid to lose her family AFTER she shared private moments with the other man? Just no! Total disrespect aside from all the other sh*t she has done. I'd be freaking furious that she sent a total stranger photos of my children.

They could easily take the affair underground.

I wonder if the OM dumped her after he realized she wanted some type of future with him.

Please, please do not allow yourself to be Plan B.

BRLY

The advice given here in these last 11 pages is designed first and foremost to get you out of infidelity. It happens to be true that is also likely offers your best (and possibly only) chance at ever achieving a real and lasting reconciliation.

I want to be firm here, and state unequivocably that no matter what you choose to do, you must develop (quickly, i might add) a stoic resolve. You must remove any manifestation of weakness, of fear, of doubt, of waffling.

You have to tear yourself away from your old marriage. It is dead. It has been murdered, and you're clinging to the lifeless rotting corpse dreaming for a way to bring it back to life.
Your marriage is over. You can't have it back. you will NEVER get this marriage back.

But more than that, you have to accept that even if you could somehow have this marriage back--- you'd never take it.

Reconciliation requires a new marriage and family dynamic. You'll have to build a new foundation and place your marital structure on top.

And if R is not possible because you have an unrepentant and uncooperative wife--- you'll still have taken the steps necessary to get out of the infidelity abyss.

OP, I don't post much, but your story is so egregious that I felt compelled to respond. Before you do anything else, you need to get off your knees and stop whining and crying over your situation. Kick yourself in the azz and find your self respect. Your current course of action will not only fail to win your wife back (don't know why you would want to) but leave you a broken man. Wringing your hands and lamenting your marriage is absolutely going to end in disaster. In plain English, suck it up and grow a spine. "Weak and stupid" (your words) is no way to go through life.

I won't bother to give any advice past the above as Bigger and others have already told you how to extricate yourself from this mess. You can either find your manhood and follow their advice or sink deeper into the abyss that is your marriage right now.