SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hi everyone I hope you don’t mind me posting here.I just am in a very difficult situation and feel really alone right now.

About 2 years ago today my ex left me for someone else. He was seeing her in secret. It was probably the worst experience of my life.

About 8 months later (too soon probably) I met my new partner and I took it really slowly and learnt to slowly trust again. We had an amazing year together. Fast forward 1.5 years and he moved into my place and all was going well. Until the last 1.5 months he has been distant but told me he was depressed.

We are on holiday in Turkey together at the moment. He ended our relationship last night. On New Year’s Eve. In Turkey while I’m away from my home, family and friends. He is refusing to talk to me. I barely slept last night and it’s 5am. I’m looking into flights home.

Our relationship really made me believe in love again after being cheated on. I really loved him and now I am alone again. Not good enough again. Part of me is just so grateful it’s not cheating but also it hurts me so much. I just wish I was at home with my family and friends. He is so cold. I truly hope you don’t mind me posting here but I just feel very alone.

I am so sorry to read this. Sending strength and support. How very cruel to take you away from home and then leave you. This is not the act of a good person with honor or integrity. I know you are hurting. Take care of you. This has nothing to do with you not being good enough. You deserve the best. Good luck.

Thank you. I do feel alone. I just wish I was at home. I just feel like I’m not good enough again. It was New Year’s Day 2 years ago and it was dday. I trusted him. I believed in love again. Being in a relationship with him was too soon I guess.

Now I’m not good enough again, rejected again.

Sorry to vent but it’s so hard when you are away from home. And crying at 5am again takes me right back to where I was 2 years ago.

Sending you hugs {{hugs}}. Sorry that you're facing a breakup while away from home.

What a rat for telling you on vacation far from home. Please reach out to your support system.

Thank you all so much. I feel less alone now. The worst thing is that I’m here for another 5 days. I can’t afford to get an earlier flight home as they are crazy prices. I’ve booked another room in the hotel. I just wish I could go home.

He told me on New Year’s Eve. On the dream new year holiday we booked. I got talking to someone else in the hotel. But it was so hard watching the fireworks and everyone celebrating.

I know that I can get through this and to the best of my knowledge there isn’t anyone else involved.

It just brings up the pain of my last relationship. It took me so long to get my self esteem back after being cheated on. We were so happy but it all changed when he moved in.

I’m just scared I will fall apart again. He made me trust in relationships again.

What a jerk! I think you've mis-diagnosed who isn't good enough here. This guy is the loser; he's the one who didn't have the guts to raise relationship issues. He's the one who didn't have the guts to call off the 'vacation'. You're both good enough and too good for him.

I understand feeling lousy about yourself for a brief period - but start realizing he's a bad 'un asap.

WOW - what a flaming asshole he turned out to be. On NYE in a foreign country. Flaming jerk!

Now check yourself on this not good enough nonsense. Don't get me wrong - you are entitled to a major pity party (provided you don't unpack and live there). But he's a jackass and a cowardly one to boot.

You dodged a major bullet. After your short lived pity party once you are home with your family and friends - I hope you throw yourself a victory dance party for shedding that dead weight.

Ugh.. So sorry.

Did he give you any reason for springing this on you during a planned vacation?

Yeah, going with flaming a$$hole here. That was just mean and spiteful. He’s a jerk and a coward and a LOSER. A decent man would not have done that. You ARE GOOD ENOUGH. You are more than enough. You are resilient and trusting and loving and authentic.

I am so sorry you are not home, but I hope you can make the best of it and keep calling the airline. Maybe they can get you on a same day flight without technically changing your ticket or charging you.

Sending (((hugs))).

Major dick-move on his part. I'm sorry you are going through this. Don't let his treatment of you define how you see yourself. You have survived infidelity and developed the necessary tools to continue forward.

Here is a question for you. It has helped me in the past. What would future you say to you right now?

Thank you all so much for your support. It really helps. I’ve made friends in the hotel and that has helped so much.

I went to talk to him to discuss the flight back etc and he was cold as ice. Not even pleasant. This is the real him I am seeing. No apology. Doesn’t care at all.

I told him to make his own arrangements to the airport and also to make his own arrangements back to our home town from the airport we went in my car and it’s a long journey). He lives with me (in my home) so I told him he can’t come back and needs to stay with a friend. I will arrange for my brother to be at home when he collects his stuff.

I have a sneaking suspicion that there may be another woman involved, but that just my gut instinct. We haven’t been intimate for months. There is something going on I’m sure. I just know it.

I want him out of my life. It’s shocking how you see the real them and it’s so different from who you think they are.

Thanks again for the support.

That is extremely cruel.

Look – I don’t really have a magic pill to help you feel better about this. But I can suggest some exercises that could help you deal with this:

First of all: This is all on him.
Barring some extreme action on your half – extreme to the level of him walking in on you with someone else – then the timing of his decision is beyond bad taste and tactless. I want you to be so clear on that. No self-respecting person would dump a partner on NYE in a foreign country while sharing a hotel room.
THIS IS ON HIM! A person this tactless, this inconsiderate is someone that probably kicks kittens and steals candy from kids. Not someone you want in your life.

Then there is your latest post: Haven’t you been contributing more to this relationship? Your car used to get to the airport, your home… Who paid for the trip? Who is paying for the extra hotel-room?

One thing I used dealing with my personal misery post-d-day was that when I started thinking about how miserable my life was, I would consciously say out loud "Thank God I am rid of [name of this SOB here…]. Things can only get better from here on!". Somehow just saying that out loud helped me break out of whatever funk I might be in and helped me focus on moving forward rather than back.

You have 3-4 days left before your flight back…
Do your best to enjoy them… Do tours, try all the cocktails, soak in the sun, dress up for dinner, make friends, flirt with the waiters… You can bawl your eyes out once back in your room, but out there… fake it until you can make it.

Thank you Bigger and everyone! Your support is really helping me.

I have made some friends in the hotel and am keeping busy and distracted. Unfortunately it’s raining here in Turkey but tomorrow is sunny and I’m going out with new hotel friends. I fly back on Thursday.

It’s a very good question about me doing all the effort in the relationship. For the last few months it has been me completely. He moved into my home but paid me rent. But over time it seemed to be me doing most of the food shopping etc. He did some but it was not 50/50. He started not to want to go out for dinner anymore or spend any money. He also didn’t want to spend time with my friends. He was ok with my family but didn’t make a huge effort if I’m honest. We both paid for the holiday but I paid for the extra room.

He even tried to make it my fault that he broke up with me on NYE! He said he wanted to wait until we got home but I kept asking what was wrong so he told me. He said ‘it’s just a day like any other’.

For the first 10 months of our relationship he was really romantic, buying flowers etc. Romantic holidays. Now he’s cold as ice. A stranger.

I agree that I am glad he is out of my life. Because this cold person is the real him.

I am determined to make the most of the time left here. I just want to go home and get his stuff out of my place asap.

He also didn’t want to spend time with my friends. He was ok with my family but didn’t make a huge effort if I’m honest.

My STBXH did this and I can see it as a sign in retrospect. My cousin even noticed his worsening behavior long before I found out about the affair.

Summertime
I am so sorry to hear what this jerk did to you. He’s clearly a very broken man with issues. He’s immature, selfish, and messed up.
You are still raw from what your other ex did to you so this must hurt exponentially more. Please try to believe that this has nothing to do with you. Some people are so broken that they live in their own delusional world where no one else exists but themselves.
I wish you a safe trip home and hope you get as much support as you need from friends back home. Be good to yourself. You are going to get through this. Don’t let this jerk make you feel defeated.

I'm so sorry. What a complete POS!

If he knew he wanted to end the relationship, WHY didn't he do it before you left for holiday? I cannot think of an appropriate derogatory name to call him for telling you on NYE in a foreign country.

You ARE good enough, and as painful as it is, I think you dodged a huge bullet.

Have the best sunny day ever tomorrow, just please be a bit cautious with these new friends. You are in an extremely vulnerable state.

Hopefully by the time you get back to your house, the jerk will have gotten all his things and be out of your life.

Thank you all for your replies. I fly home tomorrow and I can’t wait! It’s been really hard being way from home and having to go through this. It’s a really small hotel which has made it difficult. It’s strange to have sleepless nights in a hotel! I’ve been sat on the balcony since 3am with the hotel cats.

I just feel so angry that this has happened here. I have been asking him for months what is wrong. I gave him every opportunity to be honest. He always denied it was me, said it was work stress, Winter weather, depression etc. I just feel that this all could have been avoided.

I know now that I will have to adjust to him moving out and living on my own again. I’m finding that thought a bit daunting.

If I’m honest I was not over my ex when I met him. It was only 9 months after dday and our breakup. I was in a much better space but still not fully myself. I was dating as a distraction and didn’t expect to meet someone so quickly.

I will do all the things that helped me before. Thank you for listening.

Well there is something seriously wrong with him. I can't wait till you can get home, and have all your support in place, and start fresh without him. What an ass.

And get his stuff out of your place ASAP.

I'm sorry to hear this. I went through a similar experience with a woman I dated for 2-1/2 years, and I know the pain you feel. But the timing of this is really terrible of him.

Let's try to reframe this differently. Be happy that you learned that you can fall in love again after your ex from 2 years ago. Be happy that you discovered this guy's true colors as quickly as you did, or this behavior would have come out after you married him. Be happy that you have a support system (this website) that you didn't have two years ago. Be happy that it's your house, so it's not you who needs to move out. Be happy that your first serious relationship after your ex is behind you. Be happy you don't have kids with this latest relationship.

Now, focus on yourself. Try to look back at this relationship's red flags and take notes. Not being intimate after only a year and a half is a red flag. His stopping being romantic is not ok. I can't believe that's what you would want for your future.

Enjoy dating without trying to force a perfect relationship. Dating is about learning more about someone and seeing if they fit what YOU want for your future. While it can definitely be lonely sometimes when you're single, it's far better than being in a bad relationship.

As you date more, you will become better at identifying behaviors that don't fit what you want. It may take going out on a lot of first and second dates, but there are good people out there and you will find one. Flip the script and worry about whether or not the people you date are good enough for you, not the other way around.

Hang in there. I know it hurts now, but every day will get a little easier.