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Posted in JFO some days ago. Basically I just found out (3/2/24) my wife had a "one time" sexual affair with her male "friend" sometime in October ‘23. Like many of you, I was crushed! Still am. But after my initial reaction of "it’s over!" I realized that despite a pain that left me feeling hollow, I still loved her. So I made the call to reconcile (which she asked me for after confronting her). I have seen a huge improvement in her behavior and attitude towards me as well as of course) a complete cut off from her AP. Messages, socials, even business dealings canceled, closed, and blocked!

I know there’s no easy fix for this. I know only time and effort will heal. But holy god it hurts! I’m a 41 year old traditional (don't let em see you cry) guy who typically has a pretty good mastery over my emotions. I’ve broken down almost every night for a week and sobbed uncontrollably because I can’t stop imagining the two of them together. Just when I think I’ve got it out of my head or distracted myself, it pops up again. Happened today in the middle of my daughter’s BJJ tournament! I didn’t cry but I couldn’t shake off the images in my head either. I’ve tried the tips and stuff here, it’s not helping. And right behind all the pain that floods my chest is the follow up thought, "I should just give up and leave. It won’t stop this hurt but if she’s not ‘mine’ then maybe I can forget faster." Of course this isn’t what I want to do, not really.

So I guess my question is this; for those who have reconciled or are trying; does the feeling of being the consolation prize ever stop? Do you ever stop feeling like your person replaced you and will again? That you’re not good enough and it’s just a matter of time before someone else takes your place again?

I am 15 months out and the pain is still fresh. It’s not as bad as it was in the early months but it’s still there. I cried every day in the first year. I don’t have a lot of advice but I know exactly how you feel. I have those same thoughts about being a consolation prize, and being replaced down the road. WH is doing all the right things and he is committed to reconciling. I’m learning to live with the pain and knowledge of what he did. It’s sucks and it’s hard.

You literally just found out, all of this is normal unfortunately. Yes it will get better, but it takes time and it’s awful all the way through it. Doesn’t matter how much work WW is putting in, it’s a rough ride, but you will get through it. Give yourself grace, feel the awful feelings and know it’s ok.

First, the most valuable thing is to know you didn’t cause this. It’s her shit, not yours. Nothing, not a single thing you did caused her to cheat. That’s all her. She didn’t replace you, she just cheated because someone was there who was willing.

Second, don’t believe the "it’s only one time" narrative. They all say that. It may be true in her case, but if it happened "once" in October and you just now found out, I would not give any credit whatsoever to the just once line. This could be part of why you’re struggling so hard, because your gut is telling you how wrong that feels. Trust your gut.

Lastly, don’t cave into R immediately. Take your time and heal yourself and figure out what you want. A lot BS wants R off the bat but then for many reasons decided they can’t. You don’t have to do anything at all, and in fact I recommend you don’t. Focus on you. Go do things without her, especially things that are physically demanding. Have beers with the boys, do whatever. If she really is r material she will do anything to make it work, and she will understand that she has to wait until you make a decision. If she doesn’t, well then you have your answer and can make a well informed decision on what’s best.

So I guess my question is this; for those who have reconciled or are trying; does the feeling of being the consolation prize ever stop? Do you ever stop feeling like your person replaced you and will again? That you’re not good enough and it’s just a matter of time before someone else takes your place again?

13 months out, it's easier--most days. I've come to accept that the affair was not about me; it is about how my spouse coped with his own pain and fears and tried to escape them.

But I still feel it. There are still days it is overwhelming, but it's not a raw.

There are still times I obsess about her--how she was thinner, younger, sexier... all that torture we do to ourselves.

There are lines in the sand for me--things I can't do, places I won't go. I am better at knowing what the danger zones are. I still hate that I feel like parts of me are broken by this.

Yet for what is it worth, 13 months later, I have figured out this: I was always the real prize. Affairs are fantasies, not real relationships. I am the person who is still here, who has seen both the best and the very worst of my spouse, and I am the person strong enough to wade through this pain to try and heal. My spouse now also sees this, and he is good at trying to show me that every day.

Give yourself time to heal and prioritize your own healing before making a decision. Reconciliation is day-to-day. Based on the advice from people here, I told my spouse we needed time to recover before we could decide on reconciliation, and that helped a lot. It gave me space to say to my spouse that I was still here but that he had work to do to prove he would do the work of reconciliation.

You just found out. Tell her that the priority is recovery first--both of you are broken by the affair. Both need time to heal before you are ready for reconciliation. Reconciliation is hard work and a long process. Recover first.

does the feeling of being the consolation prize ever stop?

Yes. Absolutely.

The logic/feeling conflict is real tough for us 'don't let them see you cry' folks. Logically, we know that it wasn't our fault, and nothing we did or didn't do caused it. That she did because she wanted to.

Emotionally accepting that is a whole lot harder. You'll get there, for sure. It'll just suck until you do.

Do you ever stop feeling like your person replaced you and will again?

Mostly. Once the trust is broken, it's hard to get back. I don't think 100% trust is ever on the table because you now know what could happen.

That you’re not good enough and it’s just a matter of time before someone else takes your place again?

Oh, that does go away. Usually around year 2. For me, it became more of a vindictive glee at the chance to implement all the ideas I had for what I would do if she cheated again.

Does the pain subside? Yes it does. Typically the first two years after Dday are the hardest.

You need to take comfort from seeing your spouse do everything possible to make amends. Is your spouse helping you through these emotional times with support and love?

If so, you can survive this. We are 10 yess out and very happy and have a better marriage in some respects.

Now regarding your comment about being 2nd best. Your spouse didn’t cheat b/c of anything you did or did not do. Your are not less funny or less attractive or less intelligent than the affair partner. In fact most often the affair partner is LESS THAN you.

My H didn’t cheat b/c I wasn’t a good wife. He cheated b/c of a mid life crisis and trying to prove he still had it and was attractive to a much younger woman. His OW (other woman) had her best asset hanging out of every shirt she owned. While there was a 20 year difference in ages she was not physically fit (I am), was everything my H claimed he disliked (covered and I mean covered in tattoos, drama Queen needy whiny person ).

Your wife’s decision to cheat was due to her own flaws and selfishness. Nothing whatsoever to do with you. I know that is hard to believe but it’s the truth.

The betrayed just ends up being the collateral damage in all this.

I hope this helps you see the reality of the affair.

Agree with all the prior posters.

Yes, it will get better but it is way to soon and most of us would describe this as the worst thing we have been through.

Bluntly, this is a total mindfuck!

A year after my D-day I was attacked by a man with a large knife in a public parking lot. Did I cower, beg, cry for mercy? No, I pulled off my business attire shirt and pants in a quick change into my blue suit and red cape with a large "S" for "schmuck" indicating I was a BS and fought him off and then streaming blood off my face I chased him (not that I really had any choice). Not even a flashback.

People at work wondered why I was so calm about it afterward.

What they didn't know is that I had just been through the worst year of my life, nonstop, enduring day after day of an unholy shitstorm.

Just like Superman, my world had been destroyed. But, unlike krypton, my world was destroyed by the person who I loved and trusted most in that world, and she was still there!!!

Yeah, I've got a few scars from the parking lot attack, I hardly think about them.

I've got deep scars from the betrayal. I think about them every single day.

It will get better, but the next few weeks is going to be hell. As for the rest, only time will tell. Keep reading, take things only as you can, stand up for yourself and your daughter, let go of the outcome and protect yourself and your daughter.

[This message edited by standinghere at 9:35 AM, Monday, March 11th]

AHSQU1RR3L

you say:

I found out only 6 days ago (3/2/24). So between the start Oct ‘23 and beginning March ‘24 I was begging

(3/7) or 6 days ago I was tipped off my wife cheated with her male friend

NotTheVictum says:

Emotionally accepting that is a whole lot harder. You'll get there, for sure. It'll just suck until you do.

First - doing the "Pick Me" dance won't work - figure out what that is (read the healing library)

As another poster surmised -"This is not her first . . ."

In case you need to know - Cheaters Lie. The act of cheating is a lie. Cheaters Lie again and again.

Wife says? "I made a mistake" is 101% Bovine Scatology!!! Doing something ON PURPOSE is NOT a mistake.

Some long time Betrayed will post more to your thread - I think.

You now have a memory for life. So you have to make decisions regarding your future both immediate and long term.

Immediate: Time line and "all the fact, Maam" and follow up with a polygraph from someone who does "infidelity tests"

I didn't see much of your marital history? Kids? Family? Previous relationship with your Wandering Waif (!!) of a spouse.

HER family and type of friends?

Most of the folks who post as a "BS" - well, we trod the path you are on. We made decision which way to trod first. If it had not worked, or it DID NOT work, we still kept up a pace.

Look up "waitedwaytolong" for an example of a man who eventually change the path he was on.

My - trickle truth - BEWARE! - it is a favorite of cheaters to not divulge the truth or if cornered, only one bit of truth at each time. Hence the request for a time-line - a document with the details of her cheating from the first flirt to SEX and up to the time you first confronted.

No more contact: Friends (if the exist) who supported her cheating have to be eliminated from her social circle.

for you - see if you can find a person you trust to talk over your experiences - talking helps the brain put crap into proper storage. Maybe start a journal - write in your feelings and facts you have discovered. Might be helpful in the future?

Couple of books: No More Mr. Nice Guy - may find it in PDF online for no cost.

Cheating in a Nutshell - all about the thinking pathways of cheaters

Look at her behavior now that the kitty is out of the sack. Is what she is doing and saying when you need to continue the marriage?

Side note: My case - she ramped up her affair over TWO YEARS - yet claimed "We only Kissed" (remember, cheaters lie)
Also in my case - master of trickle truth - most facts came out decades later. -sigh

don't follow my example - get that time-line and then do the polgraph

promise her noting other than you will listen to what she says regarding moving forward OUT of infidelity. With or Without her . . .

I will be years before you can recall this most recent experience and not have the gnawing pain in your breast - but it will get better with time. Time and the unvarnished facts of her escapades.

Old Guy

But after my initial reaction of "it’s over!" I realized that despite a pain that left me feeling hollow, I still loved her. So I made the call to reconcile (which she asked me for after confronting her). I have seen a huge improvement in her behavior and attitude towards me as well as of course) a complete cut off from her AP. Messages, socials, even business dealings canceled, closed, and blocked!

I have items in my refrigerator that have been there longer than you've known about your wife's cheating. It is way too soon for you to make a decision about your relationship.

Although 99% of people might say that cheating would be an instant dealbreaker, in reality, the opposite is true. Humans are extremely adverse to change, even when it's good for them, so when something life-shattering like infidelity occurs, your immediate reaction isn't divorce but to keep what's yours and return to the status quo as soon as possible.

Unfortunately, rather than being grateful for this get-out-of-jail-free card, the takeaway that most cheaters get from this experience is that the BS is not going anywhere, there are no consequences for cheating other than a short period of time in the "dog house," and that, in the future, they just need to be more careful about getting caught.

Anyone can be on their best behavior for a few days, a few weeks, and maybe a few months. The real test of whether your wife is an adequate candidate for reconciliation are her willingness and ability to handle your triggers, proactiveness to rebuild your trust and prove her commitment, and sustained changes to her thought processes and behavior over time.

Don't mistake compliance with your wishes in the immediate aftermath of discovery for a dramatic transformation in character. And don't be surprised if, at some point in the near future, you get some variation of "why aren't you over this already?!" as you continue to suffer and struggle to cope with your feelings of betrayal.

So I guess my question is this; for those who have reconciled or are trying; does the feeling of being the consolation prize ever stop? Do you ever stop feeling like your person replaced you and will again? That you’re not good enough and it’s just a matter of time before someone else takes your place again?

I know this question was directed at people who are reconciled or trying to reconcile, but as someone who immediately tried to reconcile after Dday #1 (only to be rewarded after Dday #2 with a different OW), I can tell you this: my biggest mistake was that I acted like the "consolation prize" instead of the Grand Prize. I focused on trying to convince him that the marriage was worth saving rather than demanding he earn the right to remain my husband after breaking his vows.

[This message edited by BluerThanBlue at 5:37 PM, Monday, March 11th]

I can tell you this: my biggest mistake was that I acted like the "consolation prize" instead of the Grand Prize. I focused on trying to convince him that the marriage was worth saving rather than demanding he earn the right to remain my husband after breaking his vows.

Take this to heart. This poster is spot on when it comes to what needs to be done. You cannot do the work for the WS.

In reconciliation, it got to the point that I told I told my FWS to leave or go, but as far as I was concerned our marriage was over, even to the point of speaking to our teenage children to let them know that we were divorcing and different living arrangements would need to be made. It took that before she pulled her head out of her ass and really got down to work. She wasn't cheating, she'd just stopped working on the marriage, stopped being present, started backsliding into old habits.

The WS needs to EARN back what was once freely given.

Some random thoughts...

'Plan B'/'consolation prize' thoughts are, IMO, lines of self-talk that are normal. Human beings are self-centered, and believing that we caused our partner to cheat gives the BS a weird sense of power over the sitch.

The antidote is to change your self-talk. Bluerthanblue's realization that she's the prize is one aspect of changed self-talk. It's also a change that brings BSes closer to reality. The WS may look great, make a big income, etc., etc., etc., but WSes cheated, and they haven't healed themselves yet.

The sooner you change your self-talk, the sooner you'll heal. Your WS can help by being honest consistently from now on and by showing how much she desires you in big and, more important I think, lots of little ways. Even with less than total change in your self-talk, consistent loving behavior by your W for a few years is a big help in not feeling like plan B.

But the real cure is knowing in your gut that you're the prize, even though you're as imperfect as the rest of us.

A good IC can help.

*****

It's probably better not to commit to one solution or another until you're well out of shock and into your healing, but you did. My reco is the same as it would be if you hadn't committed, though, so you may not have lost much of anything by committing to R more quickly than ideal.

Now is a time to test your W. Ask questions, and evaluate her answers. Honest answers are positive for R; dishonest answers are positive for D.

Figure out what your requirements are for R, and ask your W to sign on. Delivering what she agrees to is positive for R; not delivering is positive for D.

Raise issues as early as you can and find out if your W will work with you to resolve them.

Share you feelings with her. If you're angry, tell her you're annoyed/angry/furious - and use a tone of voice and body language that show you're angry. If R is going well, experiment with showing her your fear, grief, and shame. If she can't handle your feelings or if she uses her feelings against you, R probably isn't a good choice.

Bottom line: be yourself. Encourage her to be herself. If you're not a good fit for each other, or if one of you isn't all-in for R, the earlier you find out, the better.

One way of describing healing is 'getting authentic'. Be yourselves. You were teens when you met, right? SO you've grown up together. There must be things you like about each other. Are they enough to make you want to spend the rest of your lives together? If so, R is possible. If not, you can split honorably with your head held high.

*****

I didn't fear another A, but I did fear that my W was biding her time until she decided to leave.

I think these sorts of fears are unavoidable aspects of R. We can't predict the future, and BSes know they've been fooled by their WSes already, so they can be fooled again.

And again, the main way for this fear to dissipate is consistent behavior over time. You have to be patient.

There's another side to that, though. Just as you need to realize you're the prize, you need to realize you can recover if your W betrays you again.

IOW, have some faith in yourself.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 9:59 PM, Monday, March 11th]

Hi AH Squirrel,

I'm sorry you find yourself here. The way you're feeling right now is incredibly normal. I know that this is not the answer you want to hear, but you are EXTREMLY early into an EXTREMELY long and arduous process. 2-5 years is the average time it takes a BS to heal from this. I know that sounds impossibly overwhelming right now. I remember reading that and thinking it seemed entirely insurmountable, and I'm not here to try to sugar coat any of this (it really is hard), but that said, I assure you that the intensity of what you are experiencing now wont feel THIS INTENSE two years from now. It does get better. It might still hurt, but it wont be the overwhelming searing white hot pain you are feeling now. It does fade, even if it doesn't go away entirely.

I will tell you that R or D, the only way to get past this is through it. There are no shortcuts. Both R (with a partner who demonstrates their worthiness) and D (regardless of how hard your partner is working) are valid choices, but I don't think choosing to R or D because you are hoping to minimize the pain is a good reason to choose either. You will never forget this - regardless of whatever choice you make. There is no magic pill that can make the hurt you are experiencing right now go away. None of us can tell you whether it will be easier or harder for you to stay or go.

So I guess my question is this; for those who have reconciled or are trying; does the feeling of being the consolation prize ever stop?

I'm 7 years out and happily reconciled, and I certainly don't feel like the consolation prize. I truly believe my husband is lucky to have me and he is extremely grateful for my decision to offer him a chance to R and I will say that any day of the week, with my whole damn chest. I am proud of the work that both of us did to achieve the marriage we have now. Did I struggle with feelings of insecurity about this and comparing myself to the AP in the first year or two - absolutely. I think you would be hard pressed to find a person who didn't experience feelings like this after infidelity. I've always had a healthy sense of self-confidence but it did a nosedive following d-day. But once you realize (and truly come to believe - that can take longer) that the A had absolutely nothing to do with you, and had absolutely everything to do with your spouse and their own insecurities and maladaptive coping strategies, etc. etc, that fades.

The more you read about this stuff (and I really encourage you to read as much as you can here - I think you will find a lot that rings true to you), you will find that a common trait that many wayward share is that they rely on others to build up or bolster their sense of self-worth. They don't truly love themselves, and so they need other people (or accomplishments, gold stars, promotions, etc) to build them up. Often, the thrill they felt from the positive attention they received from the AP was the thing that drove them to seek out more attention, which eventually led them down the slippery slope of an A. I'm not sure if that is true for your wife, I've never met her, but I assure you it's common. In that sense, the A doesn't really have anything to do with the AP either. Despite the justifications the cheater told themselves in order to justify pushing boundaries, the AP is typically just a stand-in source of positive attention to build up the cheater's deflated ego. There usually isn't anything particularly special about them - it could have been anyone.

You are the prize here. Tell yourself this over and over and over again until you start to believe it. Make every decision in R, with this in mind. The fact that someone chooses to eat a cheap drive-thru hamburger because it was quick, easy, and cheap, does not do anything to change the objective fact that prime rib is superior. Her actions do not dictate your worth.

I have not read everyone’s responses yet but I wanted to say YOU are the prize. Remember that. She’s not a prize at all. She may think she is but she isn’t. You are the prize. Write down all your good points and ‘why’ so I am kind for example I do x,y and z. Not just I am kind but real examples.

Then write down your core values. List examples. Maybe journal each night listing things that made you happy and how you demonstrated your values. You need to love and forgive yourself. Sounds corny but over time it worked for me.

Would you date someone who cheated on their spouse? I would rather escape out of the bathroom window than spend another minute on a date with such a person! Yuk! That’s not a prize. It’s not boyfriend/girlfriend material. It’s a one night stand at best.

Work on forgiving yourself. You are the priority. If you are upset cry. If you are angry then take up running or a martial art. Work through the feelings. Sit with the feelings. They will come and go. Like waves let them get closer and then watch them go. Connect with others. Learn about yourself. If something upsets you I found I needed to focus on that for a while, it helped the pain get smaller. But initially I would rage and cry. I sat in a closet for hours each day, crying. I’m not particularly emotional normally but this floored me. However I recognised about an hour after finding out that I am the prize. My self belief hasn’t waivered (I know I am very unusual but my past means I had unknowingly worked on myself at length). I still had a breakdown but that’s not unusual. I could blame myself and say I was foolish and tricked but I wasn’t a fool who was hoodwinked I was clearly a woman who trusted her husband and believed that he would be honest. I saw the best in him. I’m proud of me for being that way (my background suggests I wouldn’t be like this). It’s amazing really. I’m proud I trusted and believed in someone. Reframe your thought process.

You aren’t a consolation prize. You are the prize. Work out and write down why you are the prize.

There’s a book called ‘Love yourself like your life depends on it’ by Ravikant. It’s not about cheating it’s about changing your thought process. It really helped me.

If you are analytical read every book going, leave what you don’t like. Note what you do. Read Gottmans work about good relationships. If you do split be a good partner for the future. I found reading helped distract me and it made me think. I worked on me. I still am.

Remember you can split any time. My husband was daft enough to suggest if i split with him now (it was 18 months post d day) that it wouldn’t be due to him being a cheat. We had tried. I set him straight. I said ‘Er no if I cannot do this anymore it will be 100% down to you choosing to cheat. If we split because you feel our relationship has changed due to cheating it’s your choice that caused that change. If it becomes a dealbreaker that I cannot live with 5 years from now then we will have split because you are a cheat’.

He cannot change the fact he cheated and that choice means he will always be faced with saying my marriage failed because I cheated or he could lie. Not a great choice in my opinion. So remember you are the prize here.