A day or two early again this year, but really, the process that led to my wife's very belated confession really started around Memorial Day 8-years ago.
This one is different.
Previously, my annual update was cathartic -- part of my healing and a way to measure progress.
This year, I don't need to do this to heal, I find I'm more at peace than at other time in my life.
Before I get going, I do like to remind folks that I don't care what path you take to heal. You do you, be it D or R or some kind of deal that takes you forward. I just hope that all of us here find a way forward.
I'm not here to sell anything or project my results in hopes everyone finds their way through the way I did.
Between a PM I received and another thread I recently read, some people don't understand how anyone can ever say their life is better, or their M is better after infidelity. For those members who tend to be bothered by happily reconciled members, skip this thread.
However, I do understand why people don't understand the 'better' aspect of it.
The horror show of an A did not make me better. Or my M, or my wife. The A is the most painful and by far and away the most traumatic emotional devastation I have experienced in my existence. As I've often said, I'll aways hate the A, I will never be glad it happened.
We all experience loss, pain and trauma.
It's what we do once we process that pain and sadness. We can choose to focus on today rather than the past (which was a revelation to the more miserable version of me).
And it took me THREE YEARS just to process all of that pain and suffering. I really think suffering is the best way to describe those early years.
Somewhere along the line, I got back on my feet. Somewhere in there I figured out what I wanted with my life and if the M was going to be a part of it.
Then I went after what I wanted.
While I agree no one is owed a last chance, there can be something transformational to some of those people who grab a hold of the opportunity.
We're all flawed, some more than others for damn sure. Some of us are capable of learning and becoming far better people.
No magic, no rainbows, no one won the lottery.
We worked our asses off to glue five million shattered pieces of our relationship back together into something we both wanted.
I don't mean for it to be an oversimplification, I mean this is eight years later. That's a lot of time and a lot of work.
The relationship is better because we're much kinder to each other, we're much more vulnerable, much more caring, and are able to communicate any reaming differences in a civil way. Each day we get a little better at it and the trauma moves a little farther back into the past.
We chose to retire early, we earned that choice by working our asses off from very humble beginnings. This means we're together all the time. And every day we're happy we didn't give up on the other. There is a power in that, there is something special about conquering the pain and sadness as a team. That doesn't replace the sense of loss one feels after an A, but making new memories is a good thing.
I have also noted before, there is a good chance it took both me and my wife years and years to really understand love the way we do now. Of course, I wouldn't recommend our particular batch of hard lessons to anyone trying to be on a path to joy -- yet here we are.
I have good days and bad days, like the rest of the planet. I also appreciate the work we did to find some more joy along the way.
Life is good. It's really good.
I am grateful for all of the kindness of strangers here at SI. I got great advice from people who chose R, I got great advice from the people who chose D. I am lucky to have found a place that helped me on some of my worst days, and helped my to these better days. I hope everyone here finds better days ahead.
