Gray
Just be warned – You will get the posts telling you to rush out and buy the stake, some gas, tar, and kindling and burn the witch. Some might even offer to ship you a Zippo...
I hate defining something as infidelity without it being totally clear. That is – what she did IS a form of infidelity in the sense she’s not being faithful to the boundaries you both set in your relationship. But I don’t really see the "infidelity" of the type and level we normally deal with here. There are some questions before I would totally eliminate or dismiss it.
Is this normal for her? Both the behavior and the level of inebriation? If you pick her up after a girls night out, is she this drunk, slurring her words, falling asleep on the drive home and so on? What about when you entertain or visit? Is she inclined to drink, and when she does do you feel some sense of foreboding or fear about how she might be?
Or is this a total aberration?
What I do know is that reunions like high school reunions can be quite stressful events – even if that’s positive stress – fun and expectation stress.
You are constantly comparing yourself to the others: Who gained weight, who has the most cash, the most interesting career, the nicest car, the best body... Am I still the main man, the jock, am I still the hot chick everyone wanted to date... We tend to slip back in years into our old roles.
We also tend to start drinking like we did back in the days. My last reunion saw me downing Campari’s and Soda’s by the pints and Ouzo shots simply because that’s what me and my gang got hammered on as young adults. Was thinking next day that I couldn’t recall Ouzo giving me the shits back in my youth though...
I also know the excitement and stress of going can disrupt sleep, you might eat less to fit one size smaller or whatever. Factors that might you react differently to your "normal" alcohol intake.
Not excusing her behavior – not saying that anything she did was OK. But if this is a one-off... well... I guess you could divorce, tell the kids, and try to leave her desolate and broke. But... I think you can also maybe make this a learning experience for the both of you. Based on the context of your post, then this is probably the way to go.
For one I would make it very clear – preferably sitting together and in a calm voice – how hurt you are. How disrespectful this was to you – her HUSBAND. How you feel betrayed that when the two of you go out to enjoy yourself YOU are ignored and offered a front-seat view of her flirting with other men.
I would also make it clear to her that odds are high that SHE is the main source of gossip and chatter amongst the group. How other wives are probably talking about how she wantonly harassed their men, and the men gossiping about how they had to keep her hands off them. By her actions she has shamed herself in that group.
IMHO you want her to feel bad. To feel like she made a total fool and disgrace of herself. She has to recognize the problem, the seriousness of what she did and the risk she took.
You might also want to make it clear to her that if you aren’t enough – enough fun, enough excitement or whatever – that she can let you know and you two can find an amicable way to end this. It’s not what you want, but even less do you want to be cheated on, or stand in the path of her happiness.
Other than that...
Totally agree that alcohol is no excuse, but my view on the impact of alcohol in this scenario will be based on your replies regarding her drinking.