SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I believe in karma, those of us who have done these things to other human beings definitely do not go unpunished. Right now she is too obsessed with getting what she wants and it will have little impact on her. She will just see it as a good sign she ruined your marriage and that she just has to wait it out a bit longer.

But do take the time to write it down. Any writing you do will help you examine and heal over time.

[This message edited by hikingout at 7:00 PM, Wednesday, November 20th]

Snowdrop, I wrote a couple of letters to my WH's AP. She works at the same place both me and my WH work. the balls of that woman for having an A with a married man in such close proximity.

I also confronted her face to face, ran into her by chance at work a few times. For months, before running into her, I obsessed about what I would say to her. I didn't want to come off crazy and trashy but just like you, I wanted her to know what I thought of her. I also went to her boss and ratted her out, only after i found out they were still lying to me about certain details. a lot of people found out about it at work, not from me, but that part to me is a double-edged sword. on one hand I am glad her reputation went down the gutter, but it also put my marriage on display.

I would be lying if i told you confronting her and sending those emails didn't feel good, however, that feeling didn't last long. it was a band aid for my anger in that moment. I thought it would give me some kind of closure or satisfaction but in the end, it really didn't do me much good. It's not going to help with the healing process. If anything, it could do more damage to you, depending on her reaction. Lucky for me, this poor excuse for a woman was so worried about losing her job, she was very apologetic and very accommodating but even that wasn't helpful to me. the pain was and is still there. not as bad as it used to be but only time, IC and a lot of selfcare helped me get to where I am today, not confronting that piece of garbage.

on a side note, I respectfully disagree with people who say the AP should not be blamed or that it is misplaced anger. The AP absolutely is to blame for their part. These people knowingly get involved with someone who already has commitments toward someone else. as human beings, don't we owe each other respect and consideration by not getting involved with someone else's spouse?

take care of yourself, much love and warm wishes to you!

Write the letter. Get everything you want to say in there. Don’t worry about being tactful.

And when you’re finished, hand the letter to your husband.

I am truly sorry you are going through this.

Many of us have wanted to influence the AP to be a better or more moral person, but the truth is they are generally not inlined that way or they would not be doing what they did. Thus efforts I might make to convince them to give up their prize (wh) is not necessarily going to go the way we think or hope.

I was on team wh and willing to blame people in his life for their (his) bad behavior, but the truth was he was fully capable of making different choices other than infidelity.

As an example, I might have a harlequin romance book cover model randomly strip naked and offer me sex in a hotel elevator. Truth is he should not do this and that’s on him. But I am in an exclusive relationship, so it’s on me to decline and exit the area. It’s like walking into a bar. They may have amazing tequila, but I don’t have to drink it. A potential AP may be manipulating, but I don’t have to buy what they are selling if you know what I mean….

Even with people who were affair supporters I found that they were not looking to change their minds about me. I just made myself look bad trying to get them to support the marriage. When people have drunk the infidelity koolaid they are beyond reason.

It was exwh who had turned them against me and exwh who they were going to believe and support. A letter would not pierce their conscious es and it would not change their minds.

I would like to think I have healed some in the time since the A and divorce. But there is still a part of me that hopes each of the affair supporters comes home and finds exwh in bed with their spouses, significant others or partners. suppose that makes me petty?