SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Life is hectic at the moment!!!! I feel overwhelmed often and WH is stepping up to the plate - more than I expect actually. And I make sure I tell him how much I appreciate him because I think credit should be given when credit is due.

BUT why? Why could have not been like this before his affair? Why can’t I be thankful for how wonderfully supportive he is being emotionally and physically without still thinking ‘yeah but he had an affair’! When will I ever just go back to loving and appreciating him without these shit thoughts as well.

I look forward to sitting with him on the couch, love date night and family nights, enjoy cuddling in bed - so why do these stupid soul crushing thoughts of the affair still keep coming up. I feel it’s been a while now, I’ve accepted what’s happened, I’m living my choice and he really hasn’t given me any reasons to doubt his commitment to R.

So frustrating!!!!

They are not shit thoughts. They are thoughts coming from a betrayed place. A place where one guards one’s well being.
A place where one may have mistrust in the actions of the fWS. Not the actions themselves, but the intent of the actions. The same applies to words used.

I do wonder similar thoughts even after six years reunited with my fWS. It’s unpleasant but once burned, twice shy.

Oh man, I could have written your post. I’m 2+ years post DD. It’s been an emotional roller coaster. He is doing everything right as well. And I wonder why he couldn’t be like this before too. Little things come up, reminders, her name, things we did during his 1-1/2 year affair and I go straight to "you fucking asshole, you had an affair and lied so much, why am I still here with you, you don’t deserve me….. etc". Of course I say this all in my head. I have been to counseling and it helped. I am currently trying to figure out what kind of love I have for him and is it enough.

I commend you for telling him you appreciate him, it is hard. I believe that I will never forget the affair, time is telling me I will continue to have the shit thoughts. Maybe someone out longer from their DD will have more comforting thoughts for you. I hate this. I hate what he did to our family. I hate that I sometimes hate him for it. It sucks and is the hardest thing I’ve gone through.

Gently, Webbit, probably because this is all still relatively new, possibly because something is telling you it's not real. If your WS keeps doing his work and you keep feeling your feelings and monitoring yourself, you will heal. You can count on that.

At the very best, it's too early to accept the change as real and permanent at this early date, even if it is.

(((Webbit))) - a hug if you'll accept it.

I'm 5+ years out. These thoughts are normal. It is great that you're able to tell him that you appreciate his efforts. I had a "poster child" of A recovery FWH. I said the exact same thing to him, early days....and to myself for a year before I was able to let go and just take it as face value. You're making me dinner/bringing me flowers/more present......you're still the bastard who cheated on me. He's a do-er. Eventually, I couldn't disbelieve the things he WAS doing.

It is normal. It is your brain trying to keep you safe. You don't have to stay. But, if you do stay, you eventually have to let go that he'll do it again. He could. You could. There are no guarantees. When these intrusive thoughts popped up for me, it helped me to be mindful and present. It helped for me to ask myself if what I was seeing felt real or if it was a thought or trigger. You can get to the point where identifying those thoughts can be interrupted by just acknowledging that it's a thought.

As the years have gone on, we've grown much stronger together. It is terrible why we had to, but I'm grateful for where we are now.

And, why could he have not been like this before his affair.... Fundamentally, the turd that is the affair illuminated for my FWH....or at least this is what he told me....that he didn't appreciate what he had and the grass is always greener. The grass is always greener where you water it. When the A came to light and he realized the devastation he had caused, it devastated him as well. It took him nearly losing everything he had to realize what he had. Can't say I really like that part at all. But, he does show up so very different in our marriage now. He's a different man. Don't know if that is something you can talk to your H about?

Hope this helps.

As others have noted — your thoughts on this are very, very normal.

I initially kept thinking of the A as a tragedy because it didn’t need to happen. However, after a few more years of rebuilding our M, I think my wife had to fall and fail to find her way to a better self. She had no healthy examples of love in her whole life until she became a mother — but she even struggled with that at first.

It’s a lesson I wish she didn’t need to learn the hard way, with me as collateral damage.

However, the transformation in our case is real and lasting and I focus on who she is in the moment.

For me, I’ll still hate what happened, I find it healthy to absolutely hate the A. But I can also appreciate that my wife saw it for what it was — she burst the fantasy bubble on her own and owned the whole thing.

My story is very different from everyone else, but the hurt is the same.

My H had his fun in our first year of M and then waited 42 yrs to tell me about it. His dirty little secret festered inside him and created all sorts of carnage. (anger, avoidance, drinking, emotional distance blah blah blah..... Since he spilled the beans it's like he is a new man. Sensitive, caring, affectionate, upbeat, humble and slow to anger.

I get mad thinking about all the years I could have had with this wonderful partner. I feel robbed. It takes a lot of effort to stay in the moment. To appreciate the upside down, turn around in his behavior. I too think my H had to admit to failure before he could pull his shit together. I am happy for him. I just wish it didn't have to come at my expense.

Hopefully the shit thoughts will fade.

Heyo, I don't post often but man, do I resonate with these questions. I'll share what I concluded when I had the same mentality in the wake of my WW's adultery.

Why could have not been like this before his affair?

There's no real answer to this question, which is where the skill of acceptance comes in. Not approval, acceptance.

Of what?

He was not like this before the adultery.

That's it. "What ifs" are great when you are making plans for the future, but when aimed at the past, there is nothing for it but to accept and integrate what was. When it's an unpleasant prospect, like realizing we were living in a lie or being deceived, our brains try to reject integrating it into our life's story. Oftentimes you'll even get the feeling that a new hurt is being inflicted on you. It's not. It's just your brain trying to reject integrating. What worked for me was saying, out loud, "It's not happening right now" and sitting with it. Eventually it gets integrated, slowly, painfully, and then settles in. It's very unpleasant, but entirely necessary. Once you have integrated what is the truth, the pain of it will dull.

Why can’t I be thankful for how wonderfully supportive he is being emotionally and physically without still thinking ‘yeah but he had an affair’!

Because he had an affair.

Your brain will try and reject it over and over and over again while still bringing it up all the time. She does this because this thought clashes with the reality in front of your face right now. As unpleasant and counterintuitive as it seems, try not to flee from these thoughts. These are unpleasant, soul-ripping facts that have to well and truly be integrated into your internal life story before they can be effectively dealt with. There's no reasoning or bargaining with them, they never go away, they never disappear, they just have to be integrated. Once this happens, your relationship to them will change. They always hurt, on some level, but eventually the pain isn't the stabbing, gut-wrenching catastrophe that it is now.

My response to this was "give it all its time on the stage." See how it moves, feel how it hits, notice where it lands, without fighting it or resenting myself for having these thoughts. And oh, how I had them. I remember having sex after the adultery and being suddenly overpowered with the mental image of her adulteror being right where I was, having the time of his life. 8 years on, I don't get the reaction I did then, these thoughts don't even intrude because I have accepted them as a fact, as well as the fact that it will always be wrong that she did this.

My WW would pick up on my pain during these episodes and tearfully ask how she could help me. I told her to figure out how to un-fuck her AP and get back to me. I told her I alone had to pay the interest on the loan she took out. This is really the most isolated you will be in the whole process, because only you can ever deal with this painful process.

I'm sorry you're in it. This is what worked for me, and I hope it's some value to you.

-Mindjob

I told her I alone had to pay the interest on the loan she took out. This is really the most isolated you will be in the whole process, because only you can ever deal with this painful process.

Well said

This is a question I ask myself (and my WH) frequently. A question I know cannot be answered to my liking, but I ask it anyway and shake my head in disgust.

I’m an extremely stubborn person and it takes my all to offer my WH a praise or compliment. I think it’s absolutely amazing you awknowledge and show him appreciation when you feel it’s warranted. I’m sure that makes you feel good and helps you release certain negative emotions in a healthy way.

Your thoughts aren’t shit and your feelings are valid. I agree with you that it is frustrating to have so many up and down feelings.

Oh man, I hear ya!

We are just over 1.5 years since DDay and I am not sure how I feel……I feel different towards him. I no longer see him as the big strong man who would NEVER cheat on me and was my protector. I now look at him and wonder what he’s capable of. He says he lost himself, and it was a brief period of time, but that he is capable of that. I see him differently - I almost feel sorry for him. Ive become strong, less dependent , more emotionally distant and the holidays are really making it hard. I feel like in a way- I may never really be happy again :( and will just settle into this. I am feeling very sad today

Webbit,
Totally chime with what you have said. It’s bewildering. The only thing I have realised is that it actually took my WH a pretty devastating ‘fall’ to really see himself and start to work on what he was doing wrong. I will never ever be happy that his infidelity happened; I still feel physically sick thinking about the actual act, but I also know that he would not have been reflective or made the changes he has done so far without realising how utterly damaging his unhealthy outlook was, and it was the stark act of infidelity that acted as the nadir of his moral outlook.

Just trying to be glad WH has used what he did as a catalyst for personal change. He had the chance to not be here and not work on things (just as I did), but he has chosen self-improvement and R at the moment. Not everyone does. This seems the same for your situation.

Wishing you well.

I don't think those VALID thoughts you are having ever go away, as I still have them and it's been over 14 yrs since last dday and 26 yrs since dday #1 ( 6 affairs that I know of).

I have that nagging thought in back of my mind, always. I resent him for waiting until we were this old to "want" to be with "me"! They are very real, very valid feelings and thoughts you are having, IMHO.

Just want to say I think most of us feel this when we have a remorseful spouse that is stepping up. Seeing that they are capable of this but yet didn’t do it for years. He did not give me his best or really even the bare minimum which to me is Fidelity for most of our marriage. Twenty years. Yikes. That sucks. I’m in the process of trying to just radically accept this. He’s deeply flawed. I am as well, but not to this degree. I am loyal and considerate and thoughtful. It pains me to say that he was not. I do see him differently. But he’s been consistent for two years. Dealing with my anger, helping with the kids, really being a very good partner. I miss how I felt about him before I knew how disloyal and deceptive he was. Again some level of acceptance just has to settle in to find peace in the relationship. I’ll be three years out in March and some days I still feel broken by it all.

I had a minor epiphany while out hiking and thinking about your post, and that is…

If you don’t have at least some of those thoughts at times, then you are PROBABLY DOING IT WRONG.

The point being that there isn’t a marriage out there that couldn’t be improved on in some way. Most of them in fact can be improved a lot. On the backside of an affair, if you are trying to R, the worst thing that you could do is to settle for bad as old. The best thing that you can do is to take that shock to the system and build something great out of it. If you can do that, then of course you’re going to be asking yourself WTF, why the hell didn’t we do this before?

[This message edited by HouseOfPlane at 7:33 PM, Saturday, December 7th]

I can identify! It's been a few months now since I confronted my WS with the fact I knew she was having an affair (Sept 19th). We have been working to R, reading all the books and having scheduled conversations about how they apply to our particular situation and I have been taking the time to participate in activities she enjoys which includes spending the bulk of our time at our beach condo. I know that doesn't sound like purgatory but I never wanted the condo and while a trip to the beach every now and again was fine with me, living there is mind numbing. That said, I am finding activities "beach side" to engage in as this will be the new normal.

I have learned a lot about how I contributed to her unhappiness with our marriage. The source of my trepidation is her lack of remorse for the A. Initially she said it was entirely my fault. After reading and discussing how we got here, she will at least admit that the A was a choice she made. Her attitude is very much "I did what I did, it's over and you need to get past it, what is it I need to do?"

On September 19th when I confronted her she responded with "I'm glad you brought this up. I want a divorce. It's over, I don't want you and I don't need you". I am still struggling to deal with those words echoing in my head.

I have learned a lot about how I contributed to her unhappiness with our marriage. The source of my trepidation is her lack of remorse for the A.

That reads like blame-shifting, a sure R killer. Your W is responsible for her decisions. She chose to cheat. She could have just D'ed , for example.

I want a divorce. It's over, I don't want you and I don't need you". I am still struggling to deal with those words echoing in my head.

I understand that is devastating to hear. Of course, you're still struggling - there are few words that are harder to hear, and you heard them less than 3 months ago.

But what do they really mean? Just that you're not a good fit for each other, which makes sense. She is, after all, an apparently unremorseful cheater, and no one is a good fit with a cheater, not even another cheater.

Her statements are a major attack on you, and they have to hurt. Are you in IC? A good IC can help you process your feelings and clear your mind.

My reco is to find a good attorney and give her the D she wants. That will leave you free to do what you want. Remember, after 43 years of M, the demographics are in your favor.

I also recommend reading - and probably following - https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/documents/library/articles/discovery/the-simplified-180/. It will help you detach and realize that your W's A was about her issues with herself, not with you or your M.

My d-day was after 43 years of M; my W's A was active on our 43rd anniversary.

SISOON - thank you for the insights. I have already read "The Courage to Stay", Transcending Infidelity" and "How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair". I have encouraged my WS to read them and they could form a basis for our discussions. She says she has been looking at them but doesn't really feel they apply specifically to "our" situation. I just started "Living in Limbo".

My WS feels that I am causing myself pain by dwelling on this and while she will at least listen to what I have to say when I discuss her A, it feels more like its something she has to endure rather than something she had a major roll in causing.

I asked her to write a letter to her AP which she hasn't done. Her position is that I had made my position clear to him directly and there was no longer a need as she has had no further contact with him. I agreed that there was little room for interpretation in my email to the AP but the point was letting me see how she would have ended it. Still waiting.

Over the past few months there have been other "inconsistencies" to her version of events. I view them as outright lies. She may think she is protecting my feelings but we all know who she's protecting. I have asked for a full accounting of the A, I recommended that she write it out so that she gets the chronology as accurate as is humanly possible. Still waiting.

I am struggling with how I'm attempting to balance how betrayed I feel over her having an intimate relationship with another man and how little importance I place on an intimate relationship with her now. Prior to the A we had a fairly active sex life and now the idea of intimacy is something I dread.

My WS finally got her STD panel completed and gave me the results (I took one days after finding out about the A) and since then we have been intimate. However, I am so distracted by the thought of her calling out her AP's name that I have been doing what I can to avoid intimacy. I'm in a rut and can't seem to get out of it.

I keep telling myself and my WS that I will get past my doubts and insecurities. While things will never be the same, we can have a happy life together. I'm just not sure if I'm being honest with either one of us at this point?

[This message edited by Stabbedintheheart at 7:24 PM, Wednesday, December 11th]

I keep telling myself and my WS that I will get past my doubts and insecurities.

I just posted on your original thread, but this jumped out at me.

I don't understand why you think you will get past your doubts and insecurities unless you change course.

Your insecurities are your problem to solve, and you can solve them. They're best resolved with the help of a good IC.

Your WS can resolve your doubts, but she isn't doing that. You can't change her, but you can force her to choose between you and D whenever you're ready.

Your WS wants you to stuff your feelings and rug-sweep her infidelity. She doesn't seem to accept responsibility ofr her cheating. If you accept her terms, you will probably come back in 2, 5, 10, 20 years and post about something being wrong with you. There's nothing wrong with you - your feelings and doubts are real.

My sense is that something is holding you back from acting in your best interests. Are you trying to avoid the pain that comes with being betrayed? If so, my reco is to deal with the pain now - don't let it fester and grow and screw up your whole future. Rug-sweeping is a trap.

You can heal without your WS. You can't R with her, though, unless she's willing to change from cheater to good partner. You're the prize. She's not. She's hurt you deeply. She can redeem herself if she does the work - but your report very willingness to do that.

Another reco: Don't sell yourself out.