SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

So, I’m sitting here looking at the Christmas tree and wondering if there is going to be a Christmas miracle. I’m realizing that my wife hasn’t mentioned any kind of plan (IC, therapy, whatever) to deal with the reasons for her recent EA as well as the ones from the past.

She did a lot of love bombing after the initial discovery but already she seemsto want this to be in the past and for it to just go away.

I’ve purposely kept my mouth shut just to see if there is going to be actions and not just empty words but 🤷. The only thing I mentioned in regards to our current situation was three days ago. I briefly but tactfully said I want you to be aware and learn from OM was doing-he was slowly grooming you and definitely was doing the DARVO thing during the church meeting a week ago. She said ok but I don’t think he is a predator and reiterated that while she recognizes that the copious amount of communication "was wrong" but that she didn’t feel he wasn’t a wolf in sheep’s clothing or a predator and that she lost a friendship. I informed her that I disagreed and then I calmly shut my mouth (for now).

but I don’t think he is a predator

and

didn’t feel he wasn’t a wolf in sheep’s clothing or a predator

and

that she lost a friendship.

The fact that she is defending him is both sad for you and quite telling.

She's worried about the wrong guy.

Solid insight and that is my line of thinking. 🤬

Everyone, you have no idea how much your wealth of knowledge, experience and compassion has meant to me. I realize that there are bigger and worse stories on here on paper.

Just wanted to say this that I am not taking you all for granted.

I’m sorry for you.

She doesn’t get it.

Even worse, she doesn’t want to get it.

To add even more damage, she’s defending him and calling him "a friend". 😡😡

Friend, I have been in your shoes. 4 year EA my Husband had in the late 90s. And to make it worse, I warned him that this girl was very very interested and more than just friends. From the day I met her I told him to watch his back.

He ignored me and carried in the EA. The first 2 years it appeared harmless. The last 2 years was very damaging.

My mistake was that I allowed it to be swept under the rug and he had no consequences. Worst mistake I ever made. He never admitted to the affair but I later found out from the second OW that he admitted to her he "cheated on me" with the first OW.

Don’t be me. Don’t rug sweep. Don’t allow this to just "go away". Hold her accountable.

The reason she has this attitude goes back to my original post on your thread, the same post as explains why the church-elders, the OM, the OMW and basically everyone except you and us here on this site don’t see emotional infidelity as a "thing" or an "issue" or even a problem.
Keep in mind that possibly a third of certified IC’s and MC’s would probably focus more on your lack of trust rather than her behavior. EA’s are still not universally acknowledged as a "thing".

The book Not Just Friends has been recommended to you several times.
I would in the strongest way possible suggest you AND your wife get a copy and read it together. Do the exercises, discuss the chapters and then see what you read and learn could apply to what your wife was doing.
You don’t have to educate your church or it’s members, but you do need to get your wife to understand what she was entering into.

Bigger makes some excellent points.

Also based on experience (of course this is my own opinion but it’s based on what actually happened to me) if the cheater refuses to acknowledge that they cheated, lied and crossed the line with a "friendship", they are most likely to do it again.

My H REFUSED to acknowledge his EA. He was arrogant in that mindset that no sex = no affair.

So 15 years later when he starts his midlife crisis affair, it’s now escalated. Dday1 he admits he was with someone else that night (duh!). Claims it’s nothing. Ten days later he wants a Divorce.

And I’m certain it’s b/c I was a doormat and he had no consequences from the first 4 year EA.

Once I stopped being a doormat, stood up to him and told him I was D him, did it get real for him. He couldn’t talk his way out of anything. He could not remain arrogant or refuse to engage.

He no longer called the shots. And he now knows I would D him in a heartbeat. He no longer takes me for granted.

Bigger is spot on. I questioned my sanity for decades. Why was I so devastated? There was no sex, just a clandestine flirtation for at least 15 years of our 22 year marriage. I clung to a statement by a certain radio shrink that a married person does not have secret conversations or go on lunch dates with old boyfriends like a shipwreck victim clings to driftwood. I found articles about emotional affairs and those helped some, but I still harbored this doubt that I was not normal and was making way too much of this. My wife fully endorsed that I had over-reacted and should just get over it. I was too humiliated to go public. Then I stumbled on this site and learned that I was not crazy nor alone. Thank you all.

You are right to expect/inspect actions not words. I wouldnt remain silent though. Your wife is clueless, either unwittingly (unlikely) or purposefully so. Just tell her that your relationship is now hanging on her future actions and if she needs a primer, as others have said, both of you need to read "Not Just Friends". I have a gut feeling she doesnt care to though. Shes just going to ride out this storm, bide her time, and start up again when she thinks she can "get away with it". Its an ingrained behavior and the probability is very high that she doesnt really want to change.

As to the ministry culture, one of the reasons the leadership's response is so pathetic is that the current trend is extreme heightened awareness concerning infidelities of all types due to recent revelations concerning high profile ministry leaders (I know, I know, whats new?) that have caused a tremendous amount of vigilance amongst 501c3 organizations concerning inappropriate behaviors of all types. If a ministry remains obtuse on this subject, they should be avoided at call costs. But this is all beside the point.

The issue is you and what you want your life to look like moving forward. You could just watch and wait with a high level of vigilance but its pretty exhausting as Im sure you already know. You could give up the fight and just exist in the marriage as two seperate individuals living in the same household preparing to cast a blind eye to her aberrant behaviors which are sure to surface again. OR, you could begin the process of separation and divorce in the new year to set both of you free from what obviously is, exteme friction stemming from two very disparate visions/understandings of what it means to be faithfully married.

My hope for you is that this is the last year you stare at your Christmas tree hoping for a "Christmas Miracle".

Strength and clarity to you in the days ahead sir.

She did a lot of love bombing after the initial discovery but already she seemsto want this to be in the past and for it to just go away.

This is very typical cheater behavior BTW.

I experienced this the first week of dday2. When I was mostly ignoring my H (as I planned to D him) he realized he wasn’t going to seeet talk his way out of anything.

Immediate action started taking place of his own accord.

This is why I advocate NOT telling the cheater "here is what I ((the betrayed spouse)) need or here is what you need to do!" I believe if they had a brain cell to cheat, they can get two brain cells together to figure out how to make amends and repair the situation.

This proves that they are truly committed to reconciliation. Otherwise they follow your "to do" list and crap out the moment they think they can.

I suppose the only response to she saying she’s lost a friendship is that she’s also lost your trust and that is worth so much more, even if she clearly doesn’t currently see that. Feels like she’s moved into the rebellious adolescent phase. Not surprising as she was put into that role being hauled in front of a kangaroo committee. Perhaps read up on Transactional Analysis parent, adult, child roles.