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Cooley that’s part of the problem here I guess I was happy I didn’t know anything was wrong she started working at this new job and that’s when things started changing. I didn’t want anything different I trusted fully I didn’t look into anything. That’s maybe where I went wrong who knows but I know I was happy and didn’t want anything or anyone else I understand that things will never be the same and maybe I should go but I guess I’m not fully ready to let go of what I had and hope to get back to.

Whether it’s a list or you just ask her. She doesn’t know any more than you about how a poly works.
The operator will give you 2-3 factors to get answers to. I guess you want those to be the main issues like did they have sex.
But you can use the run-up to the test to ask more questions, because she doesn’t know what will be on the final exam. The key though is that if she passes on the important factual questions you need to accept that she’s probably truthful on them all.
This is the opportunity to get the answers you need, and the only way you can do that is by asking.

In reality it can only answer clear yes and no factual questions. Like "would you want to drive a blue car" would probably be omitted, whereas the question "was the car you drove blue" would be allowed. However if she truly thought the car was brown she would pass with a "no" even if the car was blue.

Is this typical behavior of someone that wants to minimize? Has offering to take the test no matter what become a tactic in not taking the test?

Well... What do we know based on what she shared. No touching, no kissing, met 2-3 times in private otherwise always in a crowd... the real "inappropriate" stuff is the calls. I’m not minimizing – if this is true then this is at least the beginning of an EA.
The big issue is the "if this is true" factor. That’s where the poly comes to play.

The minimizing? IF she passes and IF you two decide to reconcile then deal with that in MC. It’s an extremely rare WS that shows full, real remorse (as opposed to self-pity remorse) right around d-day.

I want nothing more than to keep my family together.

If that's true, you're setting yourself up for failure, IMO.

My reco is to stop thinking about the poly and start thinking about what you want from your W, if you can get what you want from her, and how to get it.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 6:26 PM, Monday, January 5th]

This is your life. If you two can find a middle ground, if she can see the damage she has caused, if you can forgive, then happiness could happen. Life slams all of us at some time or another. My Dad used to say that looking at the gifts we have should be daily. He reminded us all the time that a man complained he had no shoes until he met a man who had no feet.
Happiness is subjected. If it does not harm another then whatever brings you joy should be what you wish for, and work to get, every day.

I don’t know if any of you are following the Buddhist monks walking from Texas to DC. They are walking for peace. Look on Instagram. I guess, in the long run, we all want our version of peace. I hope the new years brings it to you.

This is your life. If you two can find a middle ground, if she can see the damage she has caused, if you can forgive, then happiness could happen. Life slams all of us at some time or another. My Dad used to say that looking at the gifts we have should be daily. He reminded us all the time that a man complained he had no shoes until he met a man who had no feet.
Happiness is subjected. If it does not harm another then whatever brings you joy should be what you wish for, and work to get, every day.

I don’t know if any of you are following the Buddhist monks walking from Texas to DC. They are walking for peace. Look on Instagram. I guess, in the long run, we all want our version of peace. I hope the new years brings it to you.

As I read other posts and what others have been through it is all the same only difference is the taking back the power I’ve asked her to leave and she won’t. I’ve talked to an attorney before the holidays and was told I can’t make her leave I don’t really know what to do. The poly is in two days and she claims even if she passes I won’t change my mind even though I’ve said time and time again that it’s the whole reason I set it up. She said last night she wasn’t going to do it to which I said that confirms your not being truthful. Then I’m met with the believe what you want we will see if she goes through with it as she still claims to be telling the truth. My therapist feels I’m thinking the worst and her story isn’t completely true but somewhere in between but her therapist tells her I need to figure out how to move on. I feel like she has either told her more than she has told me and telling her she has told me the same when she hasn’t or her therapist doesn’t see through her bs story which I find hard to believe. Again I want to try to reconcile but feel I can’t start that with so many unknowns and the other is she still works there which she knows I can’t stand said she is looking to find another job but I’ve seen no evidence of that and being a nurse I know that they have a ton of jobs available. I’m still waiting to hear from my attorney since the new year on my next steps but I’m almost at a loss.

My therapist feels I’m thinking the worst and her story isn’t completely true but somewhere in between but her therapist tells her I need to figure out how to move on.

If it’s a full on affair, the possibilities of what reality is are not at all constrained to "somewhere in the middle". And anyone saying you just need to move on doesn’t understand one iota of betrayal.

My concern with this poly is her attitude going into it. What this SHOULD be is a sanity check on her truthfullness, which you have every reason to doubt. She should be looking for ways to re-establish trust. From the way she is talking, if she passes I think she will regard it as a "I told you this was nothing" moment and expect it to be the end of it. But if she passes, it’s just a check point to whether you even want to start the hard work of rebuilding the relationship. Do you think she understands that? Do you?

I completely understand that but her on the other hand I do not and I’m still not convinced she will even go to the test. We argued last night and it wasn’t good she says she is tired of going over it again and but like I told her she really has told me nothing and wants me to just accept it as I said that’s the point of the poly.

My therapist feels I’m thinking the worst and her story isn’t completely true but somewhere in between but her therapist tells her I need to figure out how to move on. I feel like she has either told her more than she has told me and telling her she has told me the same when she hasn’t or her therapist doesn’t see through her bs story which I find hard to believe.

Due to human nature that is almost always the case. Your therapist doesn't need to know more of your ws story to be able to tell you this.

The poly is in two days and she claims even if she passes I won’t change my mind even though I’ve said time and time again that it’s the whole reason I set it up. She said last night she wasn’t going to do it to which I said that confirms your not being truthful.

That's why we tell people that agreeing to a poly doesn't mean they are not still lying. Its easy to say yes and hope to avoid taking the test. Its a way to kick the can down the road. Typically you get a parking lot confession or refusal because poly's aren't accurate. That it won't make a difference is somewhat novel but it falls along those same lines.

Sounds like she knows she is going to fail and is trying to manipulate you into canceling the test. You have told her this is what you need to try to move forward and her refusing makes me think there is a lot more to the story. If you cancel the test you will forever Wonder what you don't know and if she refuses to go you will forever wonder what you don't know

The not knowing and guessing will slowly erode you. Not a good way to live. Stick to your guns and simply let her know that if she refuses to go you will respect her choice but then you are going to take concrete steps to protect yourself and make yourself happy and that includes divorce

The not knowing and guessing will slowly erode you. Not a good way to live. Stick to your guns and simply let her know that if she refuses to go you will respect her choice but then you are going to take concrete steps to protect yourself

Excellent advice.

The cheater has the CHOICE to submit to a polygraph exam. But for those that decline, it only cements in the betrayed’s mind that the cheater has something (or many things) to hide.

In this case, I suggest stopping all conversations about the polygraph. If the cheater submits to the test, great. If not, it’s obvious that she plans to keep her mouth shut and not be truthful and forthcoming and willing to do whatever it takes to reconcile.

So then the betrayed has to decide their next step. And then inform the cheater.

As I’ve stated here many times, if you must resort to a polygraph test to get answers, then I question whether Reconciliation is really the right option.

Sorry duplicate

[This message edited by The1stWife at 6:00 PM, Wednesday, January 7th]