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Another row and us not speaking after me bringing up things that hes done which are wrong in terms of reconciling after his EA in summer. 3 seperate occasions I've had to bring up him still interacting with her since D day.

Found out over Christmas he has done a small favour for her at work helping her out with something she lost. This was the last straw for me and its all up in the air again. He just says he was being "nice"

Nice hey. To the mate poaching homewrecker who has come between us this year who he cheated on me with. Nice to the woman who hasnt given a damn about me. helping her yet he can't do things for his own wife. Like cutting her off. He says hes fed up of me bringing it up!!!!! Wtf.

I do not understand him at all and why he just cannot get it into his head. What is wrong with him??????!!!!! WHY can't he see what hes doing is wrong???? Ive had enough

[This message edited by Kittycatkitty at 2:44 PM, Thursday, January 15th]

KittycatKitty:

What is wrong with him??????!!!!!

Easy - he's selfish, maybe egotistical, enjoys attention from a "new" female.
He lies - something all cheaters do well, or so they think.

"We are just having a casual conversation." (?? What about? trading body fluids at Motel 8?)

The walk on the path to total infidelity has started and you are telling us he is not respecting you or your marriage vows.
Do I have that right?

You are old familiar (old being relative to female at work) so he finds her more interesting.

Best thing for you is start the process of mapping your path through life sans hubby.

Read the stories here and you will get the picture by all the posts that are in betrayed threads. (JFO mostly)

Consider the time-tested admonition to inform the other (who doesn't yet know) BETRAYED spouse. AKA her husband.

A lot of WS don’t understand the extent of the damage they cause, and how long it takes to recover from it. They often think that their BS not immediately leaving them equates to forgiveness, and that their transgressions can be swept under the rug, such that you become the jerk for bringing it up. Obviously wrong.

Have him read "Not Just Friends" by by Jean Coppock Staeheli and Shirley Glass, so he understands why NC is important, and direct him to the recovery/reconciliation section of the healing library. If you don’t want him to read here at SI, you can print some off for him. I recommend "What Every WS Needs to Know," "Wayward: the Work," and "The Life Boat."

When he understands better, he may or may be willing to go NC, own up to what he did, and do the work to fix himself. If he is not, take reconciliation off the table.

Good luck

I was in your shoes for 4 years with the same nonsense. "It’s not an affair. We are friends."

It was all lies. And when their contact ended and it was over it was swept under the rug.

I found out my H knew all along it was wrong because he told the next OW all about it. And she told me. Because she referenced the first OW in a very specific way.

It took many years before my H really understood the damage he caused. Like many cheaters he thought "I would just get over it".

For your sake I think you need to read up on the 180. And start preparing yourself for some tough decisions if he continues to disrespect you and cheat.

It’s NOT innocent. He’s addicted to her attention and the ego boost he gets from her.

What 1st wife said is great advice. It’s the precise time for the 180.

My thought in reading just the title was "Do it. Give up."

Now I am not exactly talking about reconciliation versus divorce. I just mean, you are likely the person who has held it together far before he did the cheating. Give up on him. Focus on yourself. Do things tha make you happy, and don’t do what you don’t want to do. Lean into your friendships and other connections. Leave him to fend for himself a bit.

He will either learn to start helping hold this ship together or by the time he lets it sink you will look up to find the life you built is so full you don’t really care if he wants to go.

If he thinks you are going to keep fighting for the two of you, then he will let you keep doing all the emotional work. You deserve better.

All the above suggestions are very good.

He either takes you for granted to the extent he is sure you will acquiesce to his A continuing (who cares you found out, you will stay where you always been), or he is trying to replace you.

Read about the 180, that is just the codified natural healthy reaction to this kind of self absorbed behaviors.

He will notice.

If he cares, realizing the loss might ring the alarm bell.

If he does not, you already moved on and found better for your life.

It is not giving up, is reclaiming yourself.

In this moment of emotional confusion that will help you the most. And you might even find out if you really want to try again or is not worth your time.

[This message edited by BackfromtheStorm at 9:07 PM, Thursday, January 15th]

KCK - you have many great suggestions on here from several posters - I think they're all helpful. First of all - is there any real, legit, reason he has to stay in contact with this woman at work? Sometimes there is, based on work. My guess is this affair is still going on and he's trying to cloak it as a friendship and that is not acceptable. Often times the best solution when someone has a work affair (EA or PA - and I think it's almost always PA, adults do what they do) is to find another job. Has that come up as an option?

If he really will not stop communicating with this woman or "helping" her or however he cloaks it, maybe he just doesn't respect you, and it might be kind of over anyway. This is not how you treat your mate that you love and respect. You don't deliberately show interest in another person when you know it hurts your spouse. I've been attracted to people in the workplace and vice versa and we don't go beyond that....once you start laughing at their jokes a little too much or relaying personal stuff or hanging around the desk....if you're in a relationship you value, you back off and become more distant. I am NOT an advocate of opposite sex friendships anyway (unless there's a big age difference) because I think it's very hard to remove that basic attraction between males and females. It's often a subtext even if people don't act on it. It's something I'm always wary of even for myself.

I would seriously consider divorce if I were you. If you haven't been to a lawyer go to one, start thinking about what divorce would look like for you. If this guy won't stay away from her, that's where you're gonna end up anyway, so you might as well find out. Also, get an STD test. I would kind of....assume the worst here. Once you've been to a lawyer (don't talk to your husband about this beforehand) and got your info and prepare yourself, put your financial records together, etc, I'd tell him - Buster you have to stop this or I'm getting a divorce. There's no more chances either you get another job, or you stop talking to this beatch or I'm out of here. And you have to mean it. I suspect your husband is considering other things at this point and you should be prepared to take care of yourself.

Lay the hammer down, woman!

I got this from another SI member, but I don't remember who.

D – Don’t
E – Even
T – Think
A – About
C – Changing
H – Him.

My guess is he's still cheating.

We went through a period when my H insisted he had to continue to have some contact with OW for practical reasons. Turned out they were continuing the EA. I told him I needed him to quit working at and going to the place where he would see her. He resisted until he eventually decided he needed to end everything with her.

Tell him to find another job or you want a D.

You are on a very tough position right now. What appears to be happening w/ continued contact is the addiction part of the affair.

I’ve seen this up close and it is real. Especially w/ his last affair. I literally watched my H become very unhappy and depressed when the affair ended. Or temporarily ended.

You can tell him anything you want but cheaters will find a way to continue contact or engaging. Some will go to extreme lengths to keep the affair going.

You cannot control him. Telling him you want a Divorce may not end the affair. It just may drive it deeper under cover. The cheater will pretend "it’s over" and you might believe it to be true. Cheaters can be that convincing.

I still suggest reading up on the 180. The 180 is designed to emotionally protect you. It’s not a retaliatory action. It’s not meant to stop the cheating. But it’s a way to disengage emotionally from the cheater.

It might be that the cheating then becomes more blatant. If that’s the case then it was bound to happen anyway. Cheaters rely on the betrayed spouse to be weak and not be in control. Basically to be a doormat to their cheating.

The ego boost some cheaters get leads to an inflated sense of self and arrogance. Basically they believe "they are all that" because they have two people fighting over them.

The 180 means you stop being his wife. It can be mild — like you stop doing errands or favors — to full on you don’t anything for him. No meals or laundry or bedroom activities or anything. Hard core 180.

And at that point you should be preparing for a D.

Thank you all for replying you are all spot on.

1st wife this is what ive been worried about and think it is this :(

Update : ive had it out with him again and told him i can't keep going on like this unless he gets it into his head what hes doing is wrong regarding reconciling. And anything else then im done.

Please stop trying to reason with a cheater who is addicted to the ego boost that the "non affair" provides.

Like I said I lived your exact situation for 4 years. Nothing I said or did had an impact.

However during the 2nd affair I made some smarter decisions. I was however lied to (yet again!) and was in false Reconciliation. I thought we were reconciling and he was still cheating.

For me I then decided to take action. The very hard 180. Now suddenly he’s begging me to Reconcile but I’m just not engaging. Because I don’t want to live another second with him.

Those days were hard. It’s not in my nature to be mean to people. And in the beginning cutting off all contact with him was hard. But after a few days there was a sense of peace and calm. I didn’t care what he did. Or where he went. Or who he talked to.

Read up on the 180 in the healing library.

And stop explaining yourself to someone who CHOOSES not to get it. He knows what he’s doing is wrong, disrespectful and hurting you. He doesn’t want to stop because he craves and needs that ego boost.

Funny how the moment I told my H he was free to be with the OW he suddenly no longer had any interest.