SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hi everyone! It’s me, the guys whose wife had a roughly 2.5-month affair with an ugly, 20-years-younger-than-her grocery store cashier. (I hope you’ll pardon my less than charitable description of that individual; I guess I am still venting off lots of anger about the situation….)

I just want to thank all of you for all of your amazing, insightful advice, your personal observations, and for sharing some of your experiences. Your sensitive and intelligent input has been so incredibly helpful to me as I have reckoned with this most challenging emotional debacle of my life, 48 years to date.

Dday for me was only on Monday, March 30, so it’s been just two months and 8 days. Things still feel very fresh. I have a good counselor with whom I have been sharing so much, and getting lots of assistance and insight.

My WW has done, I believe, her best to authentically reconcile, from where she currently sits, but still has not yet been able to find a counselor who specializes in infidelity issues for betraying spouses. She is putting a lot of time into it, calling and emailing batches of counselors a few times weekly, but no one she can find seems to have availability for new clients…So, work on that front is still very much ‘in progress’ for her, and she has lots of work to do.

I want to reach out to all of you to pick your brain about a challenge I have coming up. I would love if you might share thoughts or observations or advice.

Our 18th wedding anniversary is coming up this weekend.

I am feeling a lot of things right now.
But I think the main thing I am feeling is that I don’t have the emotional or spiritual strength to engage in any kind of celebration or recognition of our anniversary this year.

I still feel so profoundly outraged, so viscerally betrayed, and sondeeply hurt by my WW’s 2.5 months long affair with his young man from the grocery store. It is all still so fresh and hurtful, and I just don’t feel it would be authentic of me to celebrate our anniversary this year.

I hope that by next year I might feel differently, if our reconciliation continues to go well…

But right now everything just feels much too fresh and I feel that if I participated in any kind of celebration or recognition of the day, I would be coming from a place of emotional falsehood, or fakeness, and I just do not feel capable of doing that.

I was thinking of maybe just going out to do something for myself that day, like taking a long bike ride on a bike trail somewhere, maybe grabbing some coffee at a café and reading a book, or practicing classical guitar, which I like to do….Something like that.

I was just curious what you all might think about my doing something like that?

In addition to, and as a part of, my own self-care, I feel like the anniversary might be an important time for me to use the date to make a symbolic statement as to how deeply wounding my WW’s affair has been for me, to sort of underscore that understanding for her. And again, on the flipside, I feel that it would send the wrong message if I were to engage in some kind of fake or half-hearted celebration with my WW, so soon after what she has been doing with her AP.

Thanks for any thoughts you might have to share about this. I don’t know how any of you might’ve felt (those of you who have managed to reconcile), when your very next wedding anniversary came up, directly following Dday.… Did you somehow find the strength to celebrate with your WS? Did you take some other symbolic action to help bring a greater realization to your WS? I did you somehow use the day to somehow progress your reconciliation efforts?

I would be open to any insights you all might have. Again, thank you to all of you for being so supportive and encouraging, and above all for being real, even when that means telling me things that I might not like to hear. I’ve never been through something like this before, and I’ve been probably making a bunch of mistakes as I’ve gone along.
Your input has helped me fix a lot of those.

Thanks again to all of you, truly.

-MusicalDad

I tried to reconcile for about 2.5 years. My first dday was 3 days *after* our 25th wedding anniversary, so it was nearly a year later that the next one rolled around. Like you, I did not feel like celebrating it. R was not going great at that point (dday4 happened about 2 months before), and it would have felt totally fake to me. And then STBWX ended up getting sick with Covid that week, so doing nothing wasn't a problem.

Here's what I wrote the morning of that day: "I don't know what to say about today. I don't have a lot of regrets in life when I look back, but my current state of mind is that 26 years ago today, I made a very big mistake. Possibly the worst mistake of my life. I don't know. It's 5am and I can't sleep and I'm feeling numb."

The following year (so 2 years after dday1), I told him I didn't think there was anything worth celebrating. I knew I wanted out of the marriage at that point, I just didn't know exactly when I was going to file. Last year (3 years after dday1), we were in the midst of negotiating our divorce settlement agreement.

Be authentic. Do what you need to do. That's much better for R in the long term. What your WW did was incredibly selfish. She can sacrifice any desires she has around the anniversary, or at least, that's what she should do if she wants R to have a chance at success.

Has she mentioned it? Does she say she wants to do something?

To me it would be important to let her know the honest truth. Tell her what you'd like from the day. And let her know that you are not sure the two of you are ready or in a position to be celebrating anything that day.

Tell her maybe you can do something toward the process you are Doing to rebuild things. Perhaps each write a letter to each other about what your marriage means to you write now.

But also know the best gift you can get from her at this point is the gift of time apart to reflect and focus on healing yourself.

Hopefully there are not others who know the date and will want to celebrate it this year, not knowing the circumstances. If there are let them know this year you are keeping it small and personal.

As for her therapist is there someone your therapist can recommend?

I remember you – for one, you had that semi-unicorn type of WW who was relatively honest and truthful in her recounting of the affair and could confirm with a poly that this hadn’t gone "beyond" kissing and making out…
Having said that – I’m a former cop and I remember an incident where a driver hit a pedestrian. The pedestrian was taken by ambulance to ER, and I was finishing up on-site with the driver. The driver was very concerned about the state of the pedestrian, so I asked dispatch. When I told the driver "Good news – it’s "only" a broken leg" the driver responded in indignant rage – after all; a broken leg isn’t "only" or a small issue. For that driver this experience was a major issue – for me – the cop who had witnessed extreme injury and fatalities – a broken leg was good news.
So you are the "lucky" BH whose wife "only" made out with pimple-clerk. Only you probably don’t feel lucky and I get that. For you it’s pure pain – but just like that pedestrian was probably up and running within a couple of years, I hope that the fact her affair didn’t go further might help you two in reconciliation.

I believe in total honesty. I think you should let your wife know of your concerns and how contradicted you might feel about celebrating this anniversary. Maybe even on how if ANYTHING is celebrated it needs to be something other than the "traditional" celebration of 18 years as a couple.

At the same time – you need to realize that you too have choices and options and it’s YOUR choice to still be in the marriage. A big part of the present problem is that for some months, SHE wasn’t in the marriage. If you are going to be all funky and not celebrate SOMETHING then in a sense you are sending the message that you don’t necessarily want to be there.

I can understand that – in many ways a part of you might want to be somewhere else – but does that part a) dominate you and b) still include her?

Maybe your "solution" is that on THIS anniversary you two celebrate that you two are still together despite what happened, but with the realization and acceptance that it’s like a broken and recently glued together porcelain cup. It might be glued, but what still remains to be seen is if it still functions, and if – with time – the glue might even make it stronger.

I took a year off of anniversaries, birthdays, and any significant day that meant anything to the marriage. Mother's day..Father's day...they all got a big azzed hiatus after her affair.

Our 20th anniversary was at the end of September and my D-Day was April 4th. She told me she started talking to him sometime back in the winter but couldn't be more specific which I still do not believe. Doing something so risky that could destroy your 27-year relationship and you don't know when it started? BS

I asked if she was talking to him when our anniversary came around and her initial response was I'm not sure and then a bit down the road she said I don't think so, so to me it is likely that she was. I had zero desire to celebrate our 21st anniversary. My wife felt it was incredibly important for us to do so

Our MC asked me how much I wanted the affair to taint our relationship and honestly that gave me pause to think. We did technically celebrate it but my heart wasn't in it and I doubt it will ever be again

So my advice is do whatever you want regardless of what she wants. This is one of the numerous consequences of having an affair. Absolutely do not fake interest on your part because that's disingenuous to you and you've already been insulted enough

Btw, I find it very hard to believe that she cannot find a therapist after 2 months

A bike trail on a weekend? Are you kidding me? Only if it's raining. I counsel staying away from riders of unknown skill....

Especially in your case, I think a conversation with your W about your thinking is a good idea. I think she can understand, or be made to understand, that you are not ready to celebrate. If she's still remorseful, she'll understand if you are honest. She may ask for some together time. My reco is to give what you're willing to give and to ask for what you want.

My W, too, was remorseful from d-day on. She screwed up occasionally, but she never wavered in her desire to R. Our d-day was 3 months after our anniversary in 2010. I wasn't ready to celebrate our anniversary until 2014, 45 months later. It can take a lot of time to realize there's really something to celebrate.

My reco:

Be yourself. Be as authentic as you can be. Don't force yourself to do anything but face yourself and your W.

Perfectly normal, MusicalDad. Threads about wedding anniversaries pop-up on a regular basis. We all struggle with them.

Our 10th anniversary was almost three months to the day after d-day. I honestly didn't feel like we (she!) deserved to celebrate. However, I agreed to allow her to show me what it meant to her so long as it was low key, which was an inherent contradiction.

Authenticity is critical for R to succeed. If you'd rather skip it, then so be it. Be honest with yourself and your wife.

[This message edited by Unhinged at 9:53 PM, Monday, June 8th]

Our 27th anniversary was almost 2 months after d day. I wasn't in a very celebratory mood then. It just came around again, a year later, just 2 days ago. Our 28th.

I just told her flat out a couple of weeks ago that I have no clue what I want to do for our anniversary. I said "you know, wedding anniversaries are in part a celebration and recognition of unbroken vows and a certain continuity within a relationship. So what, exactly, am I supposed to be celebrating on June 6th this year?"

She just looked at me, nodded her head and said "I understand." I felt kinda bad because she's spent the last year bending over backwards to make things right, but it is what it is and my feelings are my feelings. We ended up not doing anything special for our anniversary this past weekend.

Now, if you take a look at my recent thread in reconciliation you'll see that my wife actually handled a potentially bad situation yesterday involving her AP about as perfectly and considerately toward me as could be possible, so here I sit thinking maybe I should do something now. It's going to be more out of appreciation for her actions yesterday than our anniversary tho, and I'll be telling her that.

I dunno. I say just do whatever you want to do this year. What you're going through and feeling is pretty normal. All of us struggle with those first, second, and sometimes even third anniversaries and beyond after being betrayed like that. Everyone handles it differently. I don't think there's a real "right" way to respond to this.

MD78 - I think several people have kind of said the same thing, which I think is true....be authentic for yourself. Do what YOU feel.....you are the injured party here. Why should you fuss over her after how she treated you? Bad behavior brings or should bring consequences and part of that is....you don't feel like being romantic or fussing over someone who cheated and lied on you. It's a natural consequence. If she doesn't understand that there are consequences for her behavior, then she's not really into Recon, IMO.

I don't really think people need a lot of counseling on this topic....we all KNOW what right and wrong is....not unless you have a lot of problems in general and cheating is reflective of other life or personality problems. Maybe she does have those. But if she's basically okay and functional and she just cheated because 1. She wanted to and 2. She thought she could get away with it.....there's no therapy needed for that. That's just selfishness and bad behavior. That's what it is MOST of the time, selfishness and bad behavior and wanting to have and eat the cake. I'm just guessing, of course, but what she's telling you sounds performative to me....it's a version of "I'm doing it, Sybil" (if you know Fawlty Towers at all). It's to keep you sweet.

The only way that someone can recover from being a cheater is to beg forgiveness, act like you are the next thing to God on earth, and make any kind of sacrifices they can to make you happy and trust them again. You'll know when you see it. If you don't really see it or feel it, well.....there it is. I think most of these people are full of shit.

Anyway....TIME MUST PASS before you feel like celebrating anything again. It's like any bad occasion or big loss or grief....time has to pass. You can't force healing, you heal at your own speed. Do what YOU feel like doing and don't be guilted into anything. As others have said....be authentic for yourself. If she really wants to do something, maybe she can plan it for a future occasion when and if you are both further along.

She unilaterally ended the marriage. There can’t be an anniversary for nothing. Maybe if she wants to be married to yo again she can suggest something.

NoThanksForTheMemories, thank you so much for sharing your story and also your candid input. I agree, it is just beyond me how folks can put energy into maintaining long-term liaisons with their affair partner the way they do… How do they keep it going in secret and still stay in a marriage? I can’t even imagine living like that, I just don’t know how people are even capable of it!

Stevesn, thanks for your input as well, no, she has not mentioned anything about our anniversary, and I have a feeling she probably already instinctively knows that this would be an uncomfortable subject, so I actually don’t anticipate that she will even bring it up. As far as your question about other people, on that score, I may not be as lucky; her parents always make a big deal about reaching out to us on anniversaries, so they probably will this year too…I’m just going to not be available for those kind of communications, I think Maybe they will chalk it up to us "having a fight", or something. Would appreciate if you have any strategies to share on how to handle people reaching out… I don’t necessarily want to let anyone know what my WW has been doing… For one thing my WW’s family cannot keep any secrets and they are highly prone to gossip, and the main thing for me is that I don’t want my WW’s affair getting back to my young daughters (12 & 10) because I don’t want it to traumatize them or make them be afraid.

Bigger, thanks for remembering my situation… Also, I just wanna thank you for all of your thoughtful input. you shared so many helpful things on my original post in the ‘just found out’ forum, and you are sharing more helpful perspectives here. The story of ‘the broken leg being good news’ is a poignant one, and helps put things in perspective, on the other hand as you also alluded to, I’m upset about the lengths and depths of this affair, even if the extent of the physical was only ‘making out’, although to be honest with you, I still have my doubts, and I even have trouble trusting the polygraph results… Maybe that’s my own paranoia, but something just feels off…. Moreover, I’m more disturbed about the fact that my WW is even capable of engaging in long-term deception like this, and sharing herself with another man, it’s so awful. Thank you also for the parable of the broken cup, that has been glued together, also poignant, and at this point, I’m not sure if it will hold water for the long-term or not… Will have to see how things go.

Clint - thank you for sharing your experience, yes, that resonates with me, I don’t really have the heart to celebrate those special days in the week of such betrayal and deception, it feels nasty, I don’t see how I could get into a celebratory frame of mind over this.

WB 1340, thanks for sharing your story and I’m sorry for what you are going through, I agree with you. It doesn’t make sense when people can’t remember momentous decisions and actions that they took, this just doesn’t make sense to me. It certainly smacks of someone trying to cover up some uncomfortable information they do not want released.

Sisoon, thanks for sharing your experience as well, I admire the fact that you took a sufficient amount of time to feel comfortable before you authentically reengaged in any celebratory activities. There’s a good lesson there. The heart knows when it is really capable of these kinds of things, and it shouldn’t have to snap to any kind of artificial timeline. I’m really glad to hear that you guys are well along in your ongoing recovery, then I hope that will continue forever for you guys. I appreciate your advice about remaining authentic, that is what I definitely plan to do!

Everyone, again, thank you so much for your intelligent and thoughtful input, you are so greatly appreciated, having this community online makes this awful situation, infinitely more bearable, than if we were all just suffering in silence, really appreciate all of you for being here.

Unhinged, thanks very much for the encouragement, I guess it makes sense that all of us feel weird about anniversaries after going through something like this. I agree with you that authenticity is absolutely paramount, and I will be strictly exercising that ethos going forward.

Pogre, I definitely resonate with your sense of indignation about the question as to ‘what are we even celebrating when someone has broken marriage and gone outside?’ that’s a very good point.
I’m really glad to hear about your WW properly observing whatever the situation was that came up with the AP—good for you guys! I wish you all the best in how how you want to communicate about your anniversary, with her recent good behavior in mind.

Sharkman - while your take is rather dark, I do still agree with you very much. You are correct, someone acting this way is basically deciding to end the marriage unilaterally. It’s so incredibly creepy that people do this stuff and feel like they can get away with it.

BondJaneBond, I really appreciate your thoughtful input here. And I love what you said about how we all really know what is right and what is wrong. Bingo, right on the money.

This is something with which I’ve been struggling with a lot, actually: this dilemma of how to explain WHY she really did her affair.

On the one hand, my wife definitely has a bunch of these personality issues: avoidant tendencies, boundary issues, and she has some kind of trauma going on from her distant past which have been present in other relationships before me, and I think it again manifested into full bloom for her after 18 years of marriage in our case.

However, there’s a huge part of me that suspects your following statement, to be true:

"…But if she's basically okay and functional and she just cheated because 1. She wanted to and 2. She thought she could get away with it.....there's no therapy needed for that. That's just selfishness and bad behavior. That's what it is MOST of the time, selfishness and bad behavior and wanting to have and eat the cake. I'm just guessing, of course, but what she's telling you sounds performative to me....it's a version of "I'm doing it, Sybil" (if you know Fawlty Towers at all). It's to keep you sweet…"

… this is something with which I’ve really been struggling, which of these ingredients was the most operant factor in her deciding to have a relationship with this very young man for almost 3 months earlier this year. I do suspect that her character flaws and personality issues are partially to blame, but I also very strongly suspect that the principles you articulated were definitely at play for her. she basically wanted to have excitement and fun, thought she would get away with it, and she was never planning to tell me about it. She found after some time that she couldn’t live with the guilt of keeping it secret from me so she did come forward and confess. But overall I feel that she simply decided to have an escapade because she has been so unhappy for so long due to issues coming from inside herself, rather than things having to do with me.

It makes me very very angry at her. It is so so incredibly selfish. I feel like her bringing up the personality and character issues is almost a ruse, an excuse to hide behind, a sort of a justification, if you will, when the simple truth: selfishness, callous opportunism, titillation, sensationalism, attention-seeking, lust….these were probably the true primary motivating factors.

Maybe if she does get a therapist and can start unpacking some of this stuff I might get some more information about what’s really going on.

At present, I feel like I’m going crazy, because nothing makes any sense about any of this. It’s honestly like being on an episode of the Jerry Springer show.

thank you for letting me vent and get some feelings out here. I’m super upset about it every day still. I’m doing a lot better in my life but I’m still really angry and really sad. Trying my best to deal with it, be a good worker, show up for my daughters, and take care of tons of other responsibilities that I have. This is definitely the hardest thing I’ve ever been through in my entire life.

A celebration should not be a performance in my view.

Celebrating to me means taking a moment, carve out some time outside the routine and daily grind, to appreciate what brings meaning into your life. Oh by the way, positive and negative meaning might be celebrated as important, even if the emotional impact is opposite.

And it’s not about the past or future, it’s about now.

How do you feel now?

You feel joy and gratitude for your relationship with her, or do you feel misery, or a mix of both.

Surely she IS something meaningful in your life, so I do understand the importance of celebrating.

But be honest with yourself and about you feel now. She was a life changer for you, but if is in a negative way you perceive her now, just don’t fake it.

Be upfront with how you feel, the good and the bad.

Doubt it will be joyful for you from what I read.
So do it, but don’t pretend, never fake.

Own your emotions. She must accept it because she caused it.
If it’s too uncomfortable she can always remove herself and let you heal from her influence.

Or own it and fight to rebuild, no matter how painful. You are in this together or you are nothing.

That’s the point.