SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

It's been 18 months since my marriage ended, and while I'm happier than I have ever been on my own, I thought it would be worth pursuing a couple of blind dates that were suggested to me.

To my surprise, I really enjoyed meeting one of these men, and we've gone on a couple of dates since. It's too early for me to know whether I see this turning into something more, but after a handful of dates we got into the topic of marriage / relationship history. And that's when he shared that he cheated on his wife once (and for sake of this post, let's assume that what he has told me is the entire truth). It happened decades ago, early in their marriage. He ended the A, his BW knew about the affair, and they remained married for many years (although it doesn't sound like they truly achieved R) before divorcing. He subsequently had a serious long-term relationship that ended only due to his partner's terminal illness. He says he's been faithful other than the one affair.

I'm trying to figure out how to process this. I know what questions I'd ask, what information I'd expect from him, and what behaviors I'd need to see if I were his wife, but this is a person I'm just getting to know and a decades-old affair. I suppose going through all of the questions and testing for whether he takes accountability for his actions, etc. is still valid, and if he doesn't like it, then that's my answer.

Thoughts?

Rather authentic and brave of him to admit that so early in a courtship. I'd probably want to ask a few (gazillion) questions. Have you shared your BW story?

I had the same reaction: authentic and brave of him to share. Upon reflection, however, I wondered if my own unhelpful past patterns might rear up. Like giving (too much) grace and being willing to minimize or rug sweep for the sake of keeping the peace in my marriage. I don't want to read this gentleman the riot act, but I'm also trying to watch out for my own reactions and not react in the way I might have before my divorce and a ton of therapy.

And yes, he knows about my BW history. Which makes me appreciate even more that he shared his past with me.

But still! I have a million questions I want to ask him when we have a chance to talk again.

[This message edited by Arnold01 at 2:15 AM, Tuesday, July 21st]

Also, it's okay if this is a deal-breaker for you. You've only been on a few dates, and you don't owe him anything at this stage. Early dating is all about gauging the other person and sticking with your preferences, so if this is going to trigger a cascade of questions and insecurities from your side (which is 100% understandable and justifiable), then it's fine to walk away.

NoThanksForTheMemories, I was thinking the same things.

On the flip side, I'd imagine this man wouldn't be too keen on getting into a deep discussion about it. I could be wrong, of course. After all, he did volunteer it.

Hey Arnold.

Happy you are reclaiming your place in living life and opening your heart again.

This is a good thing. Congratulations.

Now take this gently because is what happened to me and it’s just to see a perspective.

My wife (girlfriend at the time) told me she only ever had one affair that one time we broke up (because she was having the affair duh!). She swore she was always faithful beside that.

But I "felt" more, several times even if we were 1000 miles away for 6 years until I came to her country to live together.

Turns out that what I felt was in fact on spot.

I counted 12, about 2/every year we’ve been on long distance relationship. She admitted to 4 up to now, #4 DDays as disclosure days. She is still trickle truing the rest (but also not getting the full story of the 4 confessed, so there’s that too).

And she still convinces herself that she was faithful because you know, if is just kiss isn’t, just hands isn’t, just oral, just the tip just condom isn’t isn’t isn’t… the usual bull.

What’s your gut saying about this guy?
Safe partner or red flags?

I also think he was brave to be upfront.

Did you say him and asked him why he thinks he is safe now?

Like "I am a betrayed wife, that’s why I am divorced. I truly appreciate and respect that you confessed your past to me. What did you do to change from then? This is important for me to understand we’re we stand and where we could go from here."

The important question is what do you want. You like the guy and maybe he is changed, healed. But again, you don’t know yet.

What you do know is the kind of work and issue a ex wayward has to face to become a safe partner.

So instead of just a "trust me sis" you do have actually tools to see if he did the work and is reasonably safe to be with, without risking a repeat of the movie.