SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Day 5 of finding out my Husband of 33 years was Emotionally and financially cheating .
Some background Ive spent 30 years being a Stay home mom and then the caregiver of elderly parents.We have 2 grown daughters who still live with us.
I knew something was wrong when I was getting vague answers on some financial questions. Was thinking he probably spent it on Porn which I was aware he watched. When I went on his computer I found he had a secret Instagram account. It was all there conversations , money for rent , personal conversation that even included the love word . My world collapsed.
I screen shotted it all ! Sent some to him at work . Removed him from our room and started protecting myself financially.
When he got home he was genuinely shocked how upset I was his response "it wasnt pysical so it wasnt real, those are just words ,i was helping her .
I believe he believes this we have talked more in these 5 days then we have in years . He is willing to do everything I ask and has already begun . No contact ,full transparency , therapy.
Wow really needed to vent there .

This is at least the second incident posted here on this site where the wayward spouse hides an affair in finances. In both instances a wife posts her laments here.
I want to make this suggestion for you – or you two – moving on. Give yourself all of 15 minutes to google marriage in your state, and what they say about income, assets and debts in a marriage. As a GENERAL RULE a couple is united financially with marriage. This is why you get half of everything if you were to divorce, and are entitled to live a comparable lifestyle. The logic being that the reason he could climb the corporate ladder, work long hours, excel at his career and all that being that he didn’t have to stay home with the kids, drive them to school, be there when they come home, take days off when they were sick, spend 4 hours each day after a 12 hour workday cleaning the home and laundry and all that.

Keep that in mind moving on. There is no way in any healthy marriage that one spouse could hide any significant amount of money from the other. Well… not unless with extreme intent, removing any doubt about infidelity.

I can share that wife and I have open accounts to each other, and talk about how to combine and utilize our paychecks. That’s how we reach our goals the fastest. Does not equate to me needing permission to use our cash, but it does mean that if I were to go buy a new power-tool for $$$ there is no way I could hide it from her.

Other than that… consider getting the classic "Not Just Friends" by the late Dr. Shirley Glass. It helps the WS realize that even with no physical touch an affair can be an affair.

What is cheating? That is up to you. Some couples have very strict understandings whereas others have very lax.

IMO, if you are doing something that you are hiding from your spouse it is cheating. If you say or do something with others that you would not in front of your spouse, it is cheating.

Sending money to online females in exchange for pleasure? Yeah, it's cheating, unless your spouse knows about it and is okay with it.

It is 100% cheating in my few and had thought he knew that before .I was expecting blame and excuses ,denial and him claiming I was overreacting but that just floored me . I want to believe someone could be that stupid but I dont. Ive made appointment to see a lawyer to know what my options in divorce would be .Made plans for a life without him.
The thoughts that run threw my head are How can we even start to try if he is so off page. He admits its wrong but won't say the word cheating . Ive made it clear he has to do the work not me.
As a family caregiver Im a research queen In others experiences in trying therapy where do you start ? Individual for both ,Couples ,Marriage, or All at the same time ?

If he won’t admit he lied and cheated, I doubt couples therapy will have any effect.

You need to get your own counselor to support you. Just for you to learn how to navigate this nightmare and decide if you will try to reconcile (or not).

This is a life changing event whether he wants to admit it or not. Look up KISA - Knight in Shining Armor syndrome. The ego boost is a HUGE part of the affair / cheating.

I also suggest you get a financial planner to help you with the money aspect of your marriage. I think you need to be aware of what you are dealing with financially and keep on top of all of it — every account and all debts such as mortgage or car payments etc.

I hope your cheater comes to his senses. I can tell you my H refused to admit he cheated during his first affair. I KNEW it was going on but he gaslit me for years. And then — Completely rug swept. And after affair #2 how much impact affair #1 had and caused serious problems. We were on the verge of D - I mean minutes away from filing.

Don’t make the same mistakes I did.

Thank you for your sharing. Kight in shining Armour is exactly what my brain was trying to identify but my heart was trying to over look. I am usually the strongest person in the chaos of things and this has just shattered me.