Sorry I’m not good at replying that often, I appreciate everyone’s opinions and comments though! Forever grateful to have this platform.
StillLiving , I know 31 is still young it just feels old because I feel like my time is running out for a family if I don’t make a decision soon. Also it’s not fair to my bf to keep us in this state.
Oh Satya sorry you’ve had to deal with this twice!! That’s what scares me, leave my current bf and find someone who I think is great only to go through this shit again. Maybe I’m staying in limbo to avoid pain again.
Not the victim, thanks for checking in! Still feeling flat I’m still unable to speak up for myself or to tell him I’m not particularly happy. I think I’m scared of upsetting him, or scared he’ll say yes I agree and not be bothered about us ending. Or maybe I’m scared he’ll start doing the work and I still won’t be happy. Or that he’ll do the work and I’ll be happy to stay but feel like an idiot for staying. It’s hard because we are good friends and I get on so well with his family so it’s bigger than just us parting ways you say goodbye to everyone else.
This is like my diary so apologies.
Reasons I’m still here:
• I don’t want society to tell me what to do.
• I know deep down he’s a good man.
• He would be a good dad.
• I love the idea of living life’s ups and downs with one person.
• We have a long history.
• We get on well.
Reasons I’m not happy in the relationship:
• He doesn’t and I don’t think ever has loved me how I want to be loved (I.e. not emotional of affectionate - this was masked in the past because i show these things that i was blind to his lack).
• I feel like actually it’s not okay to betray someone for 4 years and just go back to normal. Actions (should) have consequences.
• He doesn’t make effort with my family anymore (probably from his own shame).
• I fear I have got the ick now as I don’t see him the same way.
• Never makes any effort.
• Doesn’t talk about future plans I.e let’s get married or let’s try for a baby or I want to travel here with you let’s look at booking something.
I’m scared of making the wrong decision.
Scared to be alone forever.
Scared to meet someone else and go through infidelity again.
Scared of living alone.
But I’m also scared of being passive about my life forever and not finding my strength to have difficult conversations.
We have a wonderful house and set up so I’d be giving it all up.
Does it ever work really when you stay after someone betrayed you? Am I betraying myself? I get that human beings are flawed so I’ve always been open minded to a drunken kiss and would even say a ONS with someone he didn’t know - not that I wouldn’t care but I can understand the flawed human element and how someone can do that. But 4 years is a choice. He left a job to get away from the situation as that’s how they met but they still carried it on afterwards anyway so shows that he’s weak minded??
Also he doesn’t have any friends is this a red flag? And I’m scared that means he doesn’t have much of a support network if we do part ways even for a separation for me to get clearer on what I want!! He does have family he can speak to though.
I’ve realised I think I’m an avoidant attachment. I shut down if he talks about the house and plans for the house (maybe I’m shutting down because I’m not on the same page but my head and heart are not aligned).
Maybe I’m focusing too much on the bad and not on any good so only bad is showing up for me. If I start looking for the good more good with come. I know some relationships can be better than ever after infidelity 🤷🏼♀️
Sorry this was such a brain dump but that was needed. I’m such a mess.
[This message edited by LittleRedRobin23 at 8:30 PM, Sunday, November 17th]