SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hello,
13 years after my affair, my BH brought it up. While I completely understand the hurt does not go away, I just do not know how to help him. Since DDay we've reconciled, gone to therapy, had a successful life and marriage, had a child, etc. He did have an EA about 6 years ago along with an addiction struggle that he is in recovery for.

When he brought it up he said he will never allow himself to love me or anyone like he did prior to DDay. He said he has had little to no happiness, but when he married me he said forever so he's committed to that. He does say he loves me and our child, but I just don't know how to support him through this. Maybe he should have divorced me all those years ago. I asked about therapy and he says no it does nothing. I'm pouring myself into communicating and supporting him, but also selfishly feel like why should I do all of this when he hasn't fully poured himself into loving me back. I'm open to any and all thoughts. I can handle it. Thank you.

keepinghope:

you posted some time ago:

I feel like I have done everything I can, and given all I can give. Why should I keep trying, when he doesn't put in the effort?

Doesn't sound like he has improved. Rather go hunting than support a (to you) dear relative in hospital?

Ya, you said both selfish - well for sure the go-hunting is a very selfish move.

Then you posted he broadcast (my choice of word) your PA to all. Ask yourself how much good that did your marriage?

I suggest you visit a family lawyer and plan your life on a path that diverges from your hubby.

Others will be along to dissect "him" more and chastise you (some) for putting up with the man showing you little to no respect.

Don't stay "for the child." You are just teaching by example to accept being treated worse than trash. (again, my word choice)

When he brought it up he said he will never allow himself to love me or anyone like he did prior to DDay. He said he has had little to no happiness, but when he married me he said forever so he's committed to that.

There are many levels reconciliation. The obvious goal is to return to the love you had prior to the affair where you once again become equal partners. There is also the act of staying in what might be an ok situation. That’s where I found myself after 5 years. She thought we were reconciled, but I was just going through the motions. She knew things were not even close to where we were, but to her things were good enough. She was actually blindsided when I told her I wanted out

The question is where do you stand now versus where you were before the affair. Is it good, or good enough.

He said he has had little to no happiness

This struck me. Now I will say the scar tissue of the betrayal and the phantom pain of it all is a bitch! That can hit and hurt out of nowhere for no reason. And sometimes the climb out of that rabbit hole is pure Hell.

BUT what I'm reading here is serious depression. I sincerely hope he is getting treatment/help for this.

but also selfishly feel like why should I do all of this when he hasn't fully poured himself into loving me back.

The wall he has built around himself to protect from the pain is also keeping out any joy. Walls are a defense mechanism [and is my intrinsic knee jerk one]. He needs to admit he is not a rock, he is not an island an even walls fall down[yes I mixed Paul Simon with Tom Petty here - be thankful I didn't go Pink Floyd on y'all] A good IC can help him with this.

Thank you all for your perspectives. I have a lot to think about

Aren't you madhatters? You both need to heal both as BSes and WSes. You've written here as a WS changing from cheater to good partner. You describe a BS/WS talking as a BS and not letting himself heal, not opening himself to your work on redemption.

IMO, to R, both you and your H need to be open to healing. If one or both you don't do that, I think R is impossible.

Have you talked with your H about his getting help? If not, that talk could be beneficial. If it's not, you can pull the plug on your M and thereby free both of you from a bad sitch.