SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

So here we are, 3 years later…..

3 years ago today this was my Dday. My life and my families lives, were blown apart in return for my wife having a 7 week affair with a family friend. Every year, I come back here on D-day and write to compare and see if we have move forward. But this year it’s different. This year I don’t need to look back at what I wrote a year or two ago. I already know that we have already started to fall back in to our old ways.

The first year was hell. But there were some good times along with a lot of bad. There were times when I felt stupid and worthless and maybe even spinless for staying and trying. But my therapist made me see that strong people also stay. That it takes a lot to stay and not walk away. I struggled in the first year. But amongst all the mess at DDay, we were still together. Then come year 2. While the hurt and the anxiety was still there, it was different. We were still going through a lot and at times we could have gone our separate ways. There we a few times we come really close. But we are still here. Still together, still a family, but things have changed.

For the first 2 and a half years we were fighting for our family and our marriage. We were there for each other. But it didn’t always feel that way. But it felt like she was fighting, because she wanted to and not because she had to. She proved to me that this was the case even though I didn’t truly believe it.

It was the little things that I had got use to and I really liked that were the first to change. A couple of years is a long time to continuously do something, if your heart wasn’t really in it. Well that’s what I told by self anyway. But the little things were starting to fade away. The hugs, the texts with I love you out of nowhere in the middle of the day. She still does them, but feels like when she remembers and nowhere near as much as she has done over the past couple of years.

For the last six months its gone from feeling that we were getting somewhere to now feeling so distant. I feel like I don’t know her anymore. Since the first Dday it feels like she has been there for me on the milestones. But not this year. This year she says the words, but the words don’t match the actions. Not in my eyes anyway.

She texts a "friend" from her place of work a lot. He is male. But she keeps telling me that he is gay. I know he is 100% gay. But, that’s doesn’t mean there is nothing emotional going on from her side anyway. She would text him throughout the day and night at the weekend. Even when we was away on our family holiday, Christmas day and so on. She has said that she has stopped texting him now because I am not comfortable with it. She still sees him at work and I don’t even know she hasn’t been deleting the messages from what’s app. But it was around the time that she got his number that she changed.

I don’t know if the whole situation has just left me paranoid. I’m may be paranoid, but I’m not stupid. Something doesn’t feel right.

She knows what today is. She knows its dday. I told her last night. She said she doesn’t remember the date. But she does remember the date they had their first kiss and the date she slept with him. She knows how this makes me feel and she hasn’t once text me to see how I am or how I’m feeling today.

Before she would tell me how we can do this and we will make it. She now says to me that I’m the one destroying our family and not allowing us to move on. I have been called crazy. I have been called selfish and told that this is all about me. How I feel and I never think how all this has affected her. It’s like she has changed from a remorseful wife to some on that is now bitter and here because she has to be. She has told me to leave if that’s what I want to do. But the fact is I don’t want to leave. I love her and always have.

When things calm down she states that she gets mad too and whatever bad things she says, she doesn’t mean them. We have been through a lot and we are still here together and that must count for something.

But to me everything feels fake. I don’t know what’s real anymore. I feel stupid. I feel unwanted. I feel like she is living her life, while I’m left carrying the emotional baggage of her affair. It feels like maybe I always will.

3 Years later and I would have hoped we are in a better place and while we are in a way. Things have changed and we are at a new, new. We are still battling on.

We do have good times, but we are still having bad times too. I can see my wife is unhappy with me and with our situation, but that’s something I hope we get to work on and try and fix over the next three years, should we make it.

I have one question? How were you after 3 years?

Thanks for reading and to everyone going through this nightmare, I hope you find peace.

At three years, much as you've described, I felt like we were learning to live with a "new normal". Some days, I was okay with that and other days I wasn't. I still had quite a bit of healing to do, meaning that I was learning to be whole and happy within myself.

I can't speak for anyone else, but when we hear two to five years for healing, I really was on the far boundary of that. At around five years or so, I realized that I wasn't in pain all the time anymore. I had become so inured to suffering that I was almost surprised by the revelation.

My three year update made it into the healing library (meaning to answer your question of how I was, you can find it there: https://survivinginfidelity.com/documents/library/articles/recovery/three-years-(and-a-day)-what-I-did-to-reconcile/). Do you really want R? Does your wife? This post has a feeling of resignation about it.

[This message edited by This0is0Fine at 3:55 PM, Tuesday, May 21st]

@This0is0Fine

Thank you for your reply. Im going to head over and read your post right now.

With regards to your question. I 100% want reconciliation. I would say my wife does too. But the problem is, is it really possible?

We seem stuck between a rock and a hard place. I don't have much trust for my wife and don't have much belief either. But I do have hope.

Im taking each day as it comes. But I want more! I not only want the marraige I had before the affair, but I would settle for, and thats what I would be doing "settling" I would settle for the relationship I had 18 months ago. Because then we felt closer.

Now I don't feel I really know who she is any more. I don't feel listened to or even understood.

@ChamomileTea

Thanks for the reply.

I'm glad its not unusual to feel the way I'm feeling right now this far out.

Im feeling very frustrated and lost. I just read on the internet and see people at the same stage as me, being in such a much better posistion.

I know everyones situation isn't the same. But its comforting knowing that its not so unusual or different after all.

p12241342

I remember your handle - a bit unusual

3 years? Your post doesn't sound like a remorseful wife. Your description seems to say she is still with you for her convenience.

Is it possible you have only posted this thread what is bothering you? If you have no good things in your marriage - just "bite the bullet" and walk. If you need a room-mate to split the rent - lots of possibilities if you start looking.

Suggest you look up 'waitedwaytolong' thread(s) took him 5 years to give in to his real self.

Maybe go back to your first post: posted at 9:36 AM on Monday, August 16th, 2021 and reflect on what has changed since then.

How many lies have you uncovered? How many things happened that have been glossed over? Has she really (even come close) to returning to the person she was when you married?

Just my observation and assessment - she's gone - no longer the person you married and very unlikely to return to that person.
I would start planning a path through life without her.

Poser? Has she ever resolved why she decided to take to another man and wreck your life?

Possible readings that may help:

Cheating in a Nutshell
The Body Keeps the Score - by Bessel van de Kolk

@Hippo16

Thanks for the reply. I remember your name too. I remember you giving some good advice on a number of my post at the time.

Its hard on here to put across both sides of the story and how its affecting both in real life. Your only hearing how I feel and how she makes me feel and not the other way around from her perspective.

Im sure I have done a number of things that have caused issues with regards to our R but they don't get put across on here.

Yes she cheated, but I also take responsibility for the issues within our R.

We do still have many of the issues we had at the start, but as you know its a long lengthy process. She does try and continues to do so. But I think she is getting a little tired an thinks that I should be over this by now.

Its Dday and we spoke about it last night. She hasn't asked how I'm doing.But she did last year and the year before. That hurts.

I should walk away. But we are both still here trying. Things are better at times.

Its hard as I'm sure you know. I also think that you will be thinking that people should also know when to give up. I don't think we are at that stage yet.

This is still a work in progress. We are either going to make it or we wont.

Time will tell. But something is holding us together. Its not money, its not life style. It could be kids. Or she really could be sorry and genuinely wants to fix things

We have had a mad hatter situation, so timeline we are now at is 7 years. It’s taken us a long time to go through the rigors. But it’s been 4 since I learned of his affair.

It sounds little like your wife was hoping the efforts you have made together would put you in a more healed place and now you feel left behind. And your gut is always to be trusted when it comes to relationships that are too close. Gay or not gay doesn’t stop her from having feelings. But it also could be that she is getting reassurance from him that things should be getting better when most people just do not understand the trauma involved in affairs. Either way, when there is smoke there is fire and I would definitely honor yourself on that.

On the other hand, I would definitely also look at what you are doing for yourself to heal. Not because I think you should be over it, but given the state of things, this is where you have control. Have you been able to reengage with hobbies or friends?

Sounds little like maybe it’s time to do a bit of brush up with MC or IC, I think someone can be remorseful and still feel frustrated at times with progress or communication, depending on the circumstances. I have noted that feelings of peace for most who come here are definitely closer to five or six years than 3. I can’t speak to where we would have been because year 3 is when I discovered his affair that started 18 months before. But I do know on certain things it is difficult to find ways to move past something together. Eventually I think we saw it as a shared loss and I think that os what your wife is saying but that’s not for her to decide when it reaches that stage. It’s something you have to organically come to together.

[This message edited by hikingout at 2:56 PM, Wednesday, May 22nd]

@This0is0Fine

Thank you for your reply. Im going to head over and read your post right now.

With regards to your question. I 100% want reconciliation. I would say my wife does too. But the problem is, is it really possible?

We seem stuck between a rock and a hard place. I don't have much trust for my wife and don't have much belief either. But I do have hope.

Im taking each day as it comes. But I want more! I not only want the marraige I had before the affair, but I would settle for, and thats what I would be doing "settling" I would settle for the relationship I had 18 months ago. Because then we felt closer.

Now I don't feel I really know who she is any more. I don't feel listened to or even understood.

While it sounds like you are OK-ish with marriage 2.0, but it really should be something that brings some functional improvements over your old marriage.

It sounds like your a really struggling with trust 2.0. We don't usually talk about it that way, but it's much like the old marriage being dead, so too is your old way of trusting. I don't know how much book reading you have done in R. I won't quite say I'm an "amazon chump" but I have read quite a few books. "How Can I Forgive You" by Janis Spring and "What Makes Love Last" by Gottman might be helpful for you.

I'm not sure if she read "how to help your spouse heal from your affair" by Linda MacDonald but you might want to revisit the "detain and torture" section of the book and see if it describes any interactions you've been having. Perhaps even word-for-word. If she has previously used the book, it might be something you could revisit along with the description of "transference of vigilance" from Janis Spring. Sometimes it helps to be able to describe the goal condition clearly, not just that you are having problem with the current state of the R.

She texts a "friend" from her place of work a lot. He is male. But she keeps telling me that he is gay. I know he is 100% gay. But, that’s doesn’t mean there is nothing emotional going on from her side anyway. She would text him throughout the day and night at the weekend. Even when we was away on our family holiday, Christmas day and so on. She has said that she has stopped texting him now because I am not comfortable with it. She still sees him at work and I don’t even know she hasn’t been deleting the messages from what’s app. But it was around the time that she got his number that she changed.

^^I'm sorry, but gently, this would never be acceptable to me in my marriage, gay, straight, it's crossing a huge boundary. Sounds like she is enjoying the attention and doesn't understand boundaries.

After my D-Day 19 years ago, all communication with the opposite sex ended. No compromises. My WH has strictly stuck to this boundary.

At three years I was still a hot mess with PTSD. Even though I had some good days, the A was still on my mind when I woke up and when I went to bed. I put a lot of effort into the marriage the first couple of years and I think by year 3 I was just tired of it all. Due to the PTSD it took me years to move through the pain, way beyond the 5-year mark. I guess what I'm trying to say is everyone's healing timeline is different.

I was still very unhappy at year 3. I kept waiting for him to fully heal this situation. I then realized I had to heal myself. He could only do so much and the rest was on me.

It’s not my fault he cheated but it’s my responsibility to heal myself.

However there cannot be healing when your wife is constantly texting and investing her energy in another man/person/situation. She’s still cheating. She’s emotionally investing her time and energy in someone else.

SMH. And you wonder WHY you’re not healed.

You don’t have much to work with IMO. Sorry to say.

It is telling She has not grown or moved on or grown. Why should you forget the worst day your life yet she still remembers the first kiss and she still remembers that entire week it is not you that has not moved on it is unfortunately your wife maybe now it's time for you to move on without her sorry to say I vwould point blank ask her why do you still remember the first kiss you don't remember the day you destroyed me

[This message edited by lparistotle at 1:38 PM, Wednesday, May 22nd]

I would agree with the other poster that has observed that there is a tone of resignation in your post. I chose to D, so I can't comment on R, but I can say this. Your WW is not considering how you feel. That is a fundamental part of a relationship. If she isn't prioritizing your feelings, whose feelings is she?

@p12241342

Your posting and postings like this always provide some validation to me in that I rejected and continue to reject my XW's attempt at whatever it would be called.

I'm sorry for your pain, however I don't think the pain is of your doing, it seems you WW is still cheating on you (albeit differently), she doesn't seem to be willing to pay the price to repair things or even make you feel wanted. I could not get my head around that she remembers her kiss with him but not DDAY.

I would not be so kind about these points...

Before she would tell me how we can do this and we will make it. She now says to me that I’m the one destroying our family and not allowing us to move on. I have been called crazy. I have been called selfish and told that this is all about me. How I feel and I never think how all this has affected her. It’s like she has changed from a remorseful wife to some on that is now bitter and here because she has to be. She has told me to leave if that’s what I want to do. But the fact is I don’t want to leave. I love her and always have.

There are plenty of success stories here where through hard work on both, but especially the WS, they have created a marriage 2.0 that works. However, I can’t recall any of them where the WS tells the BS they are crazy, or they are selfish, that they are destroying the marriage, or the WS tells them to leave if that’s what they want to do. I can see, and my EX was one of them, that a WS can get frustrated that the BS has problems getting over the affair, but they either suffer in silence, or approach it with some empathy. Your last line is telling. She knows you are desperate to stay in the marriage and therefore has no incentive to keep doing the work. The next time she tell you to leave, call her bluff. She is bulling you. The way to deal with a bully is to stand up to them.

p12241342

Please get a copy and read - Summary(mine): Staying with your spouse is YOU slowly committing suicide.

also the doctor has a web site - it's worth a visit

However, I can’t recall any of them where the WS tells the BS they are crazy, or they are selfish, that they are destroying the marriage, or the WS tells them to leave if that’s what they want to do.

I can't recall any successful R like that, either.

If you can't resolve issues with one another, why stay? If you want a marriage of convenience, fine, but accept that you've made that choice - and if you're still unhappy in a MoC, remember that you can change your decision.

I recommend the book, too.

I'm sorry you're not happier, P12241342. I really hope your posting helps you.

Umm how do you know he's 100% gay?

You do you know that some gay guys can and will have sex with women, heavy flirting etc

If I were in your shoes, I think I would probably determine that my WW was just doing the minimum to keep me around. I think I’d go ahead and upset the cart and see what happens.

p12241342

From your earlier post - I see you have decided to climb a hill with a long path. A lot of work ahead . . .

I hope you are making progress in some way.

If you can be friends with your wife - - a first step towards a better relationship - you will need to give and take.

In your earlier post - you mention you are not without fault - well, we all have faults - but that is not an excuse to cheat.
Cheating IS THE FAULT!

You have to separate her cheating from your - whatever ever faults she perceives.