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I’m not sure I’ve posted this in the correct place. It’s been over a year now since finding about the affair and a lot has happened. I’m waiting to see a new therapist to work through a lot of the trauma I’ve been left with. But one thing keeps playing on my mind and I wondered if anyone else had this experience? So in the mix of the affair. My Ex would say to me things like, ‘do you think I spend all day with her I’m at work’ ‘do you think I leave my phone in the van and she picks me up?’ Now at the time I didn’t realise that the things he was saying where actually kind of confessions of what was happening. But he was making it seem like silly things that I was imagining. I’m guessing this was him gaslighting me?
This is something I will talk about to a therapist but wanted to know you guys thoughts and if this is a common experience for a betrayer spouse to experience?
Thanks

If his goal was to turn your accurate suspicions about what was really going on into you just being unreasonable/crazy/paranoid, then yes, that's gaslighting. It undermines your trust in your own ability to perceive reality, such that you try to suppress the suspicions, and he can get away with continuing the behavior you're suspicious of. It's even more evil than straight dishonesty.

It's a really horrible thing to experience, and I'm sorry you went through it. I hope your therapist will be helpful with processing that and aid your healing.

[This message edited by GotTheMorbs at 3:53 PM, Wednesday, May 27th]

I think the term is used too often and thrown around too casually. Gaslighting is a prolonged, deliberate and malicious effort to literally manipulate someone into believing that they are insane.

Lying, obfuscation, deflection and minimizing are an effort to avoid truth and its consequences. They're defenceman mechanisms and, often enough, manipulation tools.

If the goal is to get you to doubt yourself and your sanity then is gaslighting.

The whole thing is manipulation into convincing the other person they are not stable, paranoid and must be imagining things.

(In The case of betrayal)

Thank you for your advice. He did indeed convince me I was mentally unstable to a point I’ve attend my doctors surgery multiple times to be medicated because I thought I was cracking up. He would also tell family that I had mental health issues or our relationship was breaking down because I didn’t know what I wanted!
When I look back now some of the things that were said to me and somethings that were done to me were so so cruel. And I can’t actually believe I’ve accepted to be treated in such away x

It was gaslighting. No doubt.

It was a calculated plan to destroy your credibility and sanity.

There is an old adage - If you have to ask, you already know.

I think that applies here.

Let’s call it what it is. It is emotional abuse. For some reason we try to pretty up the horror inflicted on people. It.is.abuse. Simple. Do not let anyone tell you to just let things go.

For some reason I have recently gotten way angrier on here. It is because of things like this.

People who go after your sense of self are toads. I hope you decide you are better than him and open your hands and let him go. What a waste of oxygen.

Yes its definitely gaslighting been put through this myself and its awful 🫂

Way too many people equate gaslighting with simply "lying"

No, it is far worse.

The lying is just the start. First they lie to you and about you and then they call you crazy for believing in the truth. AND, in my case, adulterous spouse worked hard to successfully convince friends and family that I was delusional and insane just to preserve her reputation and avoid facing the truth about her own deep character defects and any consequences for her actions. Cheated AND deliberately lied about it to the extent that I faced involuntary commitment.

PaperCoversRock

That is just awful. I am so sorry that happened to you.

Papercoversrock this is what my wh did aswell its awful truly
Hugs to all xx

That’s exactly what he has done. He told people I’m controlling and abusive. From his family to my family his coworkers and the other woman.

I think this has hurt as much as the betrayal the lies he’s spun about me.

Ugh, gaslighting is the worst.
Here's my recommendation: keep a journal and right in it everyday.

I've been able to pull myself out of the madness my unfaithful spouse put me in because I could see the evidence of her lies over time. Being able to piece the picture together with dates let me know that I wasn't crazy.

Finding out all the hidden lies I suspected early on but didn't discover until much later was horrible but did help.
I'm sorry you're going through this.

Papercoversrock ( member #50538) posted at 6:22 AM on Tuesday, June 2nd, 2026

Way too many people equate gaslighting with simply "lying"

No, it is far worse.

This is a pet peeve of mine, too. Gaslighting is far darker and more insidious than simply lying. It's an attempt to convince a person that they don't have a grasp on their own reality. It's a systematic attempt to convince a person that they're not experiencing what they know they're experiencing.

The term comes from a play called "Gas Light" where the antagonist would dim the (gas) lighting in the room and convinced the protagonist that she was losing her mind and just imagining it. It was later adapted to film in the 1940s.

After discovering that my wife was exchanging sexually flirtatious messages with the married police officer that worked in the school where she worked I was destroyed. When I confronted her I asked what is going on between you and him and she said nothing, I have not crossed any lines, and that's when I knew things were bad. I asked so you're not talking to him and she replied we talk. I asked and what are you saying to each other and her response was well obviously you know since you're asking me these questions.

With an absolute flat tone and her arms crossed she said we flirt, that's all, I have not crossed any lines, and she said it with anger and zero empathy, zero regret, like it was no big deal. In hindsight it was her way of attempting to minimize the affair and to make me feel like I was overreacting

I was thoroughly confused. You are exchanging sexually flirtatious messages with a married coworker and here I am confronting you and you're sitting there like it's no big deal.

Instead of tears and apologies and regret and asking for forgiveness, which I assumed she would, I was getting the exact opposite. Then she attempted DARVO. She asked so what Secrets do you have that I don't know about and I said nothing, you know everything about me. This was a pathetic attempt to spin things around and shift the focus away from her.

She tried to convince me it was no big deal and that I was overreacting even though I was sitting there on the verge of tears and stuttering and having trouble forming sentences. After an hour long conversation all I got from her was I'm sorry this upsets you so I was convinced the two of them had an exit plan in progress and I just happened to stumble into it. I was convinced the marriage was over so I said I guess there's nothing else to talk about

We walked into the house, I went out to the garage, and stayed out there till about 9:00 p.m. then I went in the house and changed the combination on our safe. When I went up to our bedroom she asked did you change the combination and I said yes and she said why, you don't trust me, you think I would steal from you, and I said you're in no position to talk about trust and if we keep going we're going to take a huge step backwards right now

So she turned her back to me and I tried to go to sleep but I ended up being awake for 44 hours straight. The next morning she was still angry at me and when she came home from work I said I need time to think and I can't do that bumping into you and I will not spend the weekend staring at the ground. There's a suitcase upstairs, I cannot make you leave, but please leave, so she walked upstairs packed the bag and left. I assume she would go to a hotel and let him know where he could find her.

We met Sunday afternoon to discuss the next step and I went to the meeting fully expecting to plan the divorce but she had a couple of days to think about what she was doing and how she was handling it and the fact that our marriage was probably ending and that's what it took to turn her attitude around

But she wasn't done trying to control the narrative. Many times early on in R she would say things to try and minimize my feelings. At one point early on she said you were giving what happened way too much weight, it wasn't anything serious to which I replied since I am considering divorce I'd say you're the one not giving it enough weight. And she kept referring to it as the incident and one day I got fed up and said it wasn't an incident, it was an affair.

One thing that was really grinding on me early on in our MC session was my wife saying she made a mistake and I finally had enough and said you didn't make a mistake, you made a choice. Every night when you spent so much time laying out your clothes for the next day you weren't doing it because it made you feel put together, you did it because you wanted to look nice for him. And every morning when you spent an hour making sure your hair and nails and makeup and jewelry was perfect, it wasn't because it made you feel put together, you did it because you wanted to be attractive for him

And as usual I rambled on way too long. But yes I do agree that your husband was attempting to Gaslight you