ibmovingon ( member #22179) posted at 6:58 PM on Saturday, October 15th, 2011
I spent most of my married life brushing things under the rug and pretending it wasn't happening to avoid the "what if he leaves" issue. And in the end, he left anyway.
setting boundaries will not determine if he leaves you or not, that will be his choice 100%. If he wants it to work, he will work to get to the point where he can accept your boundaries. If he doesn't, he will use the boundaries as an EXCUSE to leave, if he was going to leave anyway. It takes all the heat off him. It is mental blackmail and emotional abuse for a WS to inflict that on the BS.
Just a word of caution...don't set ANY consequences you are not fully prepared to see all the way through. Because if you set them, and he breaks the boundary and you do not follow through with the consequence, that only gives him more power.
BW (me)- 52
XWH - 54
M almost 31 yrs, 2 kids
Dday - which one? He's a sex addict.
Divorce final 2/1/2010
"You are the only one that can stop him from hurting you, he will keep doing it as long as you let him" - My Mom
lordhasaplan? (original poster member #30079) posted at 7:18 PM on Saturday, October 15th, 2011
Agreed, your boundarues are your. They are for you. We need to be able to tell other people when they are acting in ways that are not acceptable to us. This has nothing to do with others, we define how we are to be treated. Glad you apprecited it.
LHAP?
BS- Me (53)D-day: 5/18/10, lies and TT till (11/26/10). Currently in R. Don't carry others crap. It's your job to fix yourself, not your spouse.
bufffalo ( member #21854) posted at 8:12 AM on Tuesday, November 1st, 2011
Twitchy ( member #25393) posted at 12:47 PM on Tuesday, November 1st, 2011
How about these Boundaries and Consequences:
It stops contacting the filthy puss bag or else it gets the hose again.
BH(me)-57, FWW-Past,D-Day #1 - Oct 2007 - On-Line EA leading to a failed rendez-vous. D-Day #2 - Nov 2008 - In person EA caught early.
Away you will go, sailing in a race among the ruins.If you plan to face tomorrow, do it soon. Gordon Li
lordhasaplan? (original poster member #30079) posted at 2:37 PM on Saturday, November 5th, 2011
BS- Me (53)D-day: 5/18/10, lies and TT till (11/26/10). Currently in R. Don't carry others crap. It's your job to fix yourself, not your spouse.
bufffalo ( member #21854) posted at 3:48 PM on Friday, November 11th, 2011
laughagain? ( member #30559) posted at 5:21 PM on Friday, November 11th, 2011
I realized recently this is one of my major issues I need to work on after riding this rollercoaster for 14 months. I now realize that as long as I allow him to lie and be so disrespectful to me he will continue.
So scary though. 
[This message edited by laughagain? at 11:30 AM, November 11th (Friday)]
Me: BS 48
Him: WH 52
Dday 1: 9/9/2010 (2 days after 25th anniversary)
lostsuol ( member #13706) posted at 5:44 AM on Sunday, November 13th, 2011
thanks... didn't see this 1st time around.
annb ( member #22386) posted at 12:16 AM on Saturday, November 19th, 2011
bump 
lordhasaplan? (original poster member #30079) posted at 3:02 AM on Friday, November 25th, 2011
Bump 
BS- Me (53)D-day: 5/18/10, lies and TT till (11/26/10). Currently in R. Don't carry others crap. It's your job to fix yourself, not your spouse.
Lost and Betraye ( member #33988) posted at 4:45 PM on Wednesday, November 30th, 2011
Me=BS 50; Him=WS 46; Dday 11/10/11
Married 13 years; together 20
Kids: DD11;(2) grown boys/men from my previous marriage to a WS
Status: Divorcing
"The past is a guidepost, not a hitching post" L Thomas Holdcroft
bufffalo ( member #21854) posted at 7:03 AM on Tuesday, December 6th, 2011
Lost and Betraye ( member #33988) posted at 6:52 PM on Tuesday, December 6th, 2011
Me=BS 50; Him=WS 46; Dday 11/10/11
Married 13 years; together 20
Kids: DD11;(2) grown boys/men from my previous marriage to a WS
Status: Divorcing
"The past is a guidepost, not a hitching post" L Thomas Holdcroft
emptyheart ( member #18873) posted at 4:27 PM on Sunday, December 11th, 2011
Me - BW, Him - WH
2 great kids that are my reason for living.
1st D-Day - March 28, 2008
False R for a year
2nd D-Day - April 11, 2009
sudra ( member #30143) posted at 4:06 AM on Monday, December 12th, 2011
Me (BW) (5\64), Him(SAWH) (68)Married 31 years, 1 son (28), 1 stepdaughter (36) DDay #1 January 2004DDay #2 7-27-2010 7 month EA/PA (became "engaged" to OW before he told me he wanted a divorce)Working on R
Twang ( member #34121) posted at 4:38 AM on Monday, December 12th, 2011
Me the BS 54
WH 54
DDay of 1st OW 11-30-11
2nd DDay of 1st OW 2/25/12
DDay of 2nd OW 12-13-11
Rec: On my part Started 1/1/12
Hopefully mutually on 2/25/12
Starting over again on R 03-26-12
Twang ( member #34121) posted at 4:40 AM on Monday, December 12th, 2011
What a great read for the end of the day! Wow powerful. Bless you!
Me the BS 54
WH 54
DDay of 1st OW 11-30-11
2nd DDay of 1st OW 2/25/12
DDay of 2nd OW 12-13-11
Rec: On my part Started 1/1/12
Hopefully mutually on 2/25/12
Starting over again on R 03-26-12
bufffalo ( member #21854) posted at 6:13 AM on Friday, December 16th, 2011
unarmbears ( member #7480) posted at 4:05 AM on Sunday, December 18th, 2011
FBS-Me, 67
FWH-Him, 62
2 Sons 33 and 38
2 Daughters 36 & 31 And 5 darling grandchildren!
"Love is an impulsive act, it's free. It's the story we tell about it afterward that's our poverty." Byron Katie
Lost and Betraye ( member #33988) posted at 4:42 AM on Tuesday, December 20th, 2011
Me=BS 50; Him=WS 46; Dday 11/10/11
Married 13 years; together 20
Kids: DD11;(2) grown boys/men from my previous marriage to a WS
Status: Divorcing
"The past is a guidepost, not a hitching post" L Thomas Holdcroft
